I reallly need help breaking out of damaging situation. Background: DH and I married for 12 years with 2DS, 8 & 5. Things have been rocky for the past few years and I have gone through some fairly heavy experiences like losing a twin pregnancy and cancer feeling very lonely and unsupported. DH is not an 'emoter' which I knew when accepted when I met as I am a fairly resilient individual but little did I know how cruel and mean he could be at my weakest moments - so much so that i think I have married a woman hater. A few examples, when I was in hospital with threatened twin miscarriage he says at hospital bedside that i am spoiling his weekend and went off to the park with oldest son. When I was going thru dark stages of early cancer diagnosis i was told that 'i was such a glass half empty person' and to 'stop being so self obsessed'. There are plenty more incidents like this. He also has binge drinking issues. He is a manager but regularly drinks with staff, getting so blinding drunk that he passed out on the road at one staff event. Last year he fell down the stairs at a family do. I have continually warned him to cut back his drinking as it is affecting his work and our family life, but he does not accept he has a problem. He just ploughs on, taking reckless risks like cycling at night in the city after 8 pints. The straw has broken the camels back today, though. I accidentally opened a letter and it was a CRB check for a job he applied for but didn't tell me about. He had been cautioned for drunk and disorderly a few months back, but never told me anything about it. We don't hug, kiss or sleep together.
I know he sounds like a complete tosser and you are probably asking why on earth I am still with him. Well its the usual, isn't it, he is loving dad and the kids love their father. I would feel guilt about splitting up. But mostly it is because I have no family in this country and I cannot leave and return to my home country without major issues taking the children with me. Splitting up and staying in this country seems so difficult financially for me and the kids. I don't know how I could do it without a support network. I don't have many friends in RL. This whole situation is really getting me down and I feel trapped and depressed. It was my fault for making myself so vulnerable. I have asked him to leave before but he won't as he knows it is so complex for me- and my threats won't be followed through. His family won't help. I am beginngin to really hate him and hate myself for getting into this situation. I don't know what to do.