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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

any advice on how to help a man cope with getting older?

43 replies

slicerrice · 26/07/2011 19:04

hi- my partner is 14 years older than me- in his mid 40s- and has that eternal peter pan lifestyle- in my eyes he's getting sexier the older he gets but he doesn't feel that way! any gems of advice for how i can help him cope with getting older? as a musician he's working in an environment where people are younger and younger- even i feel old at 30 when dancing in the clubs to his sets... he had an "accident" at a party last christmas and i am worried about how he is going to take getting nearer 50... i don't want to go through that again... any tips gratefully taken!

OP posts:

Bandwithering · 26/07/2011 20:15

Just read the thread properly now. I feel sorry for you. If you're happy with an older man, and you're happy generally,,, then what more can you do for him?!!? seriously. He shouldn't expect you to counsel him through ageing the age difference will always be the same. I'm cross on your behalf.

Original poster

slicerrice · 26/07/2011 22:17

thanks for all the advice and sisterly solidarity. Maybe if i'd gone to "dadsnet" i might have got more practical tips... I think it's just what you've said Bandwithering- if we're happy, what more can i do? xxx

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 26/07/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CJ2010 · 26/07/2011 22:32

HairyGrotter- thank u for nearly bringing on my labour with your post!! I'm sitting here laughing my head off!! DP jus came rushing downstairs coz he thought I was in pain!!!

This thread is genius, OP has not realised what she is letting herself in for!!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/07/2011 22:36

Has he always been a fannyrat, OP, or was this snogging-of-younger-woman something totally unexpected? 'I did it because I'm agonising about getting older' maybe sounds a bit better than 'I was pissed, horny and not really thinking straight and I'm sorry' but the latter has the advantage of being true.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 22:38

I hate this man! OP, I can't believe you are posting here asking how to make a vain, philandering rat feel better about himself.

Can you not see how this comes across to other people?

Original poster

slicerrice · 26/07/2011 23:09

yes i can now! and its really not what i meant... lesson learnt... i should have realised the accident thing would have been like a red rag to bulls here...

he didnt say it was because he didn't want to get older- it was just something that came out of the fall out discussions. and it wasnt the only thing we talked over- he didn't use it to excuse what happened. as i said earlier in the post- we dealt with what happened- don't think i let him off lightly- this was 8 months ago and he's paid for it many times over. i guess i was just hoping someone out there was in a similar situation, and could say "oh i found it useful when my partner felt like this to..."

but i think someone said it well earlier, just take it lightly, do a bit of ego boosting (both of us for eachother) and stay happy. sorry to have riled you all with yet another tale of a man who made mistakes- i didn't mean to upset your evening!

but thanks again for the solidarity. all the way through what happened i knew that if i did walk away from him, i had plenty of friends who would fully support me. but i chose to forgive, and looking out for support in that decision.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 27/07/2011 00:11

Slicerice, how do you cope with getting older? As each day passes, do you find you need other people to rack their brains for ways to help you deal with the trauma of - er, being alive for another day? Perhaps you are not so vain, shallow or feeble-minded.

In which case, why are you putting up with it from your partner?

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 00:28

Am thinking about the number of musicians I knew/know who are deeply into fidelity.... most of them think its something you do with your instrument :o

confidence · 27/07/2011 00:30

I don't see anything wrong with coming here looking for advice with how to help your partner be happy, since that's what people in happy relationships, as you seem to have, do. Pretty hilarious how everyone's so determined you ought to be more embittered about his snogging someone than you are though. Like, "how dare you come on here saying you've resolved the situation and it's OK, when you should be packing your bags and issuing ultimatums and generally being as unhappy as we tell you you should!" :)

On the OP, I'm a middle-aged musician and can, as they say in California, "totally relate". His fear may, whether he articulates it or not, be rooted in practicalities. Music IS a young person's game and it may be that as he gets older he gets fewer gigs and opportunities.

Can he work towards opening up a parallel career path that is not quite as youth-centric as DJing?

pickgo · 27/07/2011 00:31

Very sad OP tht you feel responsible for preventing his infidelity, even indirectly or partially. Are there better things to spend your energies on?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/07/2011 00:47

Thing is, OP, no one can change another person's feelings. He will have to sort it out for himself. However, he's not entitled to disregard your feelings and expect you just to put up with however he sees fit to behave. I think that's why other posters are getting outraged on your behalf: if he's given himself permission to shag around because he's unhappy about getting older, you don't have to put up with it and, while you can't force him to stop doing so, you can decide to cut him loose.
However, if you genuinely feel that the 'accident' (and I can't be the only one who initially wondered if you meant that the wretched man was suffering from incontinence and was frightened that this was an irreversible sign of aging...) was a minor thing and his worries do not mean that he is desperate to chase younger women to keep the darkness at bay, then it's still true that you can't wave a magic wand and fix it for him. Getting older is inevitable, unless you die young, which probably isn't the alternative option he would prefer.
What he could, perhaps, consider, is the fact that older people still like music. It's not the case that you have to restrict yourself to Cliff Richard and the Proms if you don't want to, once you pass 35. John Peel wasn't a teenager when he died, but he was still seeking out and sharing interesting music with a wide-ranging audience who appreciated it and him: if your chap is an expert on music, he shouldn't find it too hard to get an audience (and employers) who treasure that expertise and the knowledge he has amassed.

garlicbutter · 27/07/2011 00:50

I see, it's not that he's vain/feeble-minded/etc, he's rationally concerned because DJs can't get work as they age

Original poster

slicerrice · 27/07/2011 00:58

thank you confidence... said it perfectly.
i had a good chat with him tonight about things- and i feel much better now. i think its really about talking about things in a relationship before they build up out of proportion in your own mind.

Having this thread and all the various reactions really helped me clear my thoughts about it all tonight- so thank you everyone! but i might be more careful about the stuff i put out in future posts so i don't go upsetting people again...

thanks again, :)

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 27/07/2011 00:59

Was the accident with his tongue a snog, or oral sex? Because that's how I read it.

garlicbutter · 27/07/2011 01:22

Glad you had a good conversation, Slice, and are feeling better. Please don't worry about 'upsetting' people if you have a concern to discuss, as I certainly don't see any evidence of respondent distress on your thread.

anothermum92 · 27/07/2011 01:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cestlavielife · 27/07/2011 11:23

he is in his 40s and already a miserable old git?

you cant really help him you know - he has to sort it out for himself.

he should get some counselling CBT etc.

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