Closure

[mrbloke]

I have posted about online dating, but thought I'd ask for some advice about another matter.
I was brutally dumped by text about a year ago by a woman I was in love with after a very short and intense relationship. I won't go into the details of it, but she spurned any attempt I made to contact her at the time or when I tried again a few months later and I never learned the reason why she dumped me.
I was very hurt and to be honest I still think about her a lot and wonder why she did what she did. I've considered writing her a letter telling her how I feel. However, I don't know if this is a good idea or not as part of me feels like I shouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing I still feel this way as I guess if she'd have cared she would have perhaps explained at the time. But maybe it would give me closure?

I'm still in love with her even after how she treated me.

Thanks all for advice. I've made up my mind not to send the letter. As I said already, I think it was just this friend of mine who planted the seeds of doing this in my mind with her suggestion. I had even considered turning up at a social drinks I know ex will be attending in a few weeks. Dunno why I would do that really? I suppose just to see if she is as phenomenal in reality as the memory I have constructed of her in my mind. I thought this would help remove the scales from my eyes too, but I'm not going to go. It seems to creepy and I'd probably hate myself for doing it.
And to answer an earlier question about whether I'd been too intense and scared her off, it was actually the other way round. She was the one who first uttered the words 'I love you'. She also wanted to go on holiday with me, do this with me, that with me blah blah blah.
I'd always been one to keep my guard up in affairs of the heart after my divorce and as soon as I let them down this is what happened.
I'm sad to say the drawbridge has been pulled back up again. :-(

Thanks Imperialblether but I read and understood the OP just fine. Was just offering a different strategy as Mrbloke stated he still had deep feelings for this woman..

Good decision Mrbloke, but if you do want to leave the door open for communication with this lady as you still (rightly or wrongly) have affection for her, I don't think you would be seen as stalkerish or creepy if you sent a "hey how you doing" type text...but a long emotionally intense letter is a different matter. I speak as a woman who has done the whole bury my head in the sand, ignore communication type dumper in my youth!

Good decision mrbloke. Feel free to write it down to explore your feelings, it does help . Good luck!

Yes I can see why you might say that, but don't you think it's a natural response to somebody breaking your heart?
To be honest, I actually don't feel any anger at her at all because I'm still in love with her. I know and wish I could as I'm sure it would help me get over her and see her for what she probably is.

OP this is crap. I have had disappearing men twice now and still wonder. The first I realised wanted control, the second I think wanted to be in love with me but really wasn't. The advice given here has been good, it takes time and telling yourself you deserve better.

I know its hard when you put so much of yourself in to a relationship to make it work and in the end its nothing that you did or didn't do that ended the relationship. I had an 8 month relationship, we got engagged and moved in together, but in the end it just wasn't right. I lost so much of myself and it changed my future as i had to change uni course due to staying with him. It took me 2 years to get over it all.

I would like to regrete all of it but i cant because it changed my future i got a diffrent degree and worked in a diffrent field and meet my husband thru work and now we have two fab children. None of which i would have if i had staied with my ex and because of him i meet my husband.

I think you need to understand and accept that it was not right. You can love someone and not be with them but you need to want to move on. Its sometimes easier to live in the past than it is to imagen a future. You need to live in the now and make things happen. Chosse to love her and let her go and then look at yourself and what makes you happy and do the things that you like. Then when you least expect it i'm sure you will meet a nice women that will spark your interest.

Its a good decisions not to contact her. But if it is still on your mind in a month try the letter and burning it as it really is good for letting go.

Just been reading through all my posts and the replies. Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and give advice. Reading through it all I realize it makes me sound like a right whining mess. I'm really not like that and have cracked on in my life since it all happened. Also,I never discuss all this stuff with anyone else. I guess the anonymity of this website allows us to talk about our feelings. I suppose we all have longings and desires under the surface. I agree with virtually everything that's been said on this matter, even the post by Heleninahandcart which is basically her telling me to pull myself together and get over it.
She's right.

She dumped you by text, that's all you need to know about this woman, enough information to move on.

Don't feel daft though for wanting to write that letter (or bang on her door and shout WHYYYYYYYY!!!???) that's what everybody feels like doing when they've been dumped.

Chalk it down as a mismatch (as you've said). You sound like a decent bloke goodluck!

You sounds like a really nice boke, to be honest - and she doesn't sound very nice. I think you're well shot of her, as others have said, and when you get the whole thing laid to rest in your mind, there's no reason you won't go on to have an enjoyable fulfilling relationship with someone else. If you pardon the analogy, this is just like a wound that has healed with something left in it. You need to open it up, clean the muck out and then let it heal properly in it's own time. I reckon you'll be fine now you've started looking at this issue rather than ignoring it by throwing yourself into the world of online dating, and while it might take a bit of time, you will fully get over it. Go easy on yourself.
Good luck, mate.

snorting at my typos... bloke, not boke, obviously.

There's no such thing as a nice boke.

Aw thanks. Those are really nice things to say. I think you have summed it up anothermum. I'm an honest person and would never dream of telling someone I loved them if I didn't mean it. Therefore I rather naively find it hard to reconcile that someone would say it to me unless they meant it too. I was left simply feeling very confused.