How do I stop crying when I'm angry?

[WillPenn]

Whenever I get really angry with people I just start crying, and I hate it because it means people don't take me seriously. Today I got angry as these officious twits at a library who wouldn't give me access to the place because I didn't have the "correct" documentation - i.e. despite having my passport, drivers licence, work staff ID with photo, the council tax bill I had was from March 2011 and this was "too old"(!!) When they refused me admission, I got angry and then started crying....I'll bet they all thought I was a complete nutter.

This also happens when I'm arguing with DH and it really annoys him - quite rightly so. I just can't stop the tears welling up even if I try to think of something else. Does this happen to anyone else? And has anyone managed to overcome it?

I have the same problem OP and I think it almost makes me look weak and overreactive when I do it. I want to be the cool cucumber in situations of conflict but I don't always manage to pull it off. What DoMeDon and JamieAgain mentioned about it having something to do with suppressed anger actually seems to make sense to me. I've never really made that connection before but I am aware I have suppressed anger issues from my childhood and have been working recently to address them.

I cry when having to face an authority figure...any authority figure...I may even be getting praised but still blub like a baby.

Crappy childhood and bullying father lead to this.

I usually explain that the simple fact of being in the room and being face to face with them as an authority figure may reduce me to tears so please ignore my crying and carry on as usual.

I don't half feel a numpty having to explain myself...but better that than then thinking I am really upset.

Oh, this thread is striking so many chords!

DoMeDon do you have any nuggets of wisdom you can impart about the link between repressed anger and tears in confrontations? (theoretical stuff; not asking for personal info you wouldn't want to impart)

I'm actually crying now after a mini-confrontation. Feelings and thoughts seem to be a mess of: "If someone confronts me then I must be wrong" and "But I don't think I'm wrong! Why am I not allowed to stand my ground?" Does sound a lot like a childish voice that's the result of bullied childhood as Mizzy alluded to.

I like the suggestions made above about crying anyway (since it can't be helped) but voicing rational thoughts and feelings while doing so like "I'm crying because I'm angry" or "I'm going to cry now but listen to my words" or somesuch.

I really don't know the theory well enough to express it so can only go with personal stuff - which I will share becasue you ask and I want to help, but I won't go into too much detail as I don't really want to (hope you understand).

I was critisised a lot as a child, spent a lot of my time feeling confused (told I was loved but never really felt it), I have always had a huge sense of fairness and was quite insecure (never felt good enough iyswim).

If I was confronted I would fight for what I thought was fair, feel confused, not trust myself (due to my insecurity) then get upset and cry. If I was angry about something, it was like the unfairness of it took over and I would cry out of sheer frustration.

I don't know if that makes sense without details, but talking about the issues from my childhood (which I don't want to rehash here), has helped me realise why I got SO upset. I have also learnt how to express myself and deal with my feelings in an appropriate way.

Makes sense to me, DoMeDon, and thanks for that!

I think I cry because I get adrenaline overload.

I'm all prepared for a confrontation then when nothing confrontational happens - I don't/my body doesn't know what to do with the adrenaline so as a release...so it bursts into tears!

I can do anger Ok with an authority figure and in a measured way...but faced with an authority figure and no confrontation go to pot.

I wonder if the anger crying is linked to adrenaline also in some way??

DoMeDon - you have just described many of my childhood emotions. I'm not sure that I was criticized as much, but praise was certainly thin on the ground.

Also, my entire family is allergic to confrontation and often resort to passive-aggressive behaviour instead. As the only member of the family who is willing to confront issues head-on as I can't stand all the manipulative behaviour, I've now been labelled the trouble-maker. Interesting to think that some of these influences are reflected in how I react to others when angry.

I know this won't help but might bring a smile to some faces (it did to mine).

Stop it

I don't know if people really sympathize. I have had this all my life my dad does too. Unfortunately I have even had family members suggest that I cry to get sympathy even though I was the one to walk away and not let them see I was crying. Has anyone figured out how to make others understand that you need the space to calm down?

As a non crier when angry it really is frustrating dealing with someone who does. No one wants to continue a discussion/ argument with someone whose blubbering, so in effect it's a 'drop the mike moment' and your left standing there being the bad guy for making the other person cry. I don't have any answers but surely it's not the responsibility of the person you are arguing with. As the person with the tears issue, I'd much prefer you give yourself a timeout to regain your composure than stand there sniveling, how the hell am I supposed to know if you're a crier when angry or someone who uses tears to manipulate.

As an aside, I presume (correct me if I'm wrong) that the only document that the OP had with her address on was six years old, I presume the rules are there for a reason and her error was her problem, not theirs. Calling the staff officious seems like a really shitty way of transferring the responsibility of your error to someone else and if I had been on the receiving end of tears in this situation I would have been seriously pissed off.

My post isn't about bashing people but to give an idea what it's like to be on the other side of the tears. DD is 10 now but when she was 7 she was having difficulties handling her anger when in a discussion (usually a telling off) but she could feel it coming on and would say I need a timeout. Which diffused the situation and gave us both the opportunity to be more logical than reactionary.

Some people laugh when nervous and do so at times when it's not appropriate and my advice would be the same, give yourself a timeout because handling your emotions are primarily your responsibility, not mine.

Isetan, I don't think anyone here is saying it is the non-crier's responsibility to deal with the tears.

Zombie,.,...........

ZOMBIE

ZOMBIE

ZOMBIE

Shame it's a zombie bcs it's a good topic

Yes, I've actually found it both interesting and useful.

glasspider "Has anyone figured out how to make others understand that you need the space to calm down?" and "I like the suggestions made above about crying anyway (since it can't be helped) but voicing rational thoughts and feelings while doing so like "I'm crying because I'm angry" or "I'm going to cry now but listen to my words" or somesuch", to name just two examples.

Saying it can't be helped is a cop out. There are particular things I do that don't help in confrontations (eye tolling) that I have to learn to control because they provoke a reaction which distracts from the point I'm trying to convey.

What I think is funny is that isetan is actually 6 years out! (Joke!)
FYI If feel myself welling up and I would rather bite my tongue till it bled than let someone see me cry if they're not my friend/partner/family
Maybe because people think women are weaker and I don't want to seem weak