Should I stay or should I go?

[StandingHere]

Name changer here. Sorry, this is long...would appreciate any thoughts from you wise women (and men).

I've got myself into a situation and I genuinely don't know what to do about it. I've been separated for about 18 months (quick background my H left me for a colleague and they are now living together, we have a 2.5 year old DD who we share parenting with - I was utterly devastated at the time but am now moving on from it.)

A couple of months ago I met a bloke when I was out and we swapped phone numbers. I felt at the time like I was ready to meet someone new (I hadn't been interested until this point) and was flattered when he kept texting me but wasn't sure about meeting up again. I signed up for a couple of internet sites and went on a few dates but nothing came of them - it was just fun getting out and meeting people. This bloke was persistent though and eventually about a month later I finally agreed to go and meet him again. We had a brilliant time and ended up spending the night together. He told me things were complicated in his life and the more I got to know him the more I realised how true this was. He is still living with his ex, has a child and lots of other issues with complicated family etc. He's had a really hard upbringing and doesn't seem to have many people who genuinely put his needs first or who he can even talk to about anything. His mates are not what he calls 'proper friends' (he lost touch with them when he moved to a new area) and there are things he has never told anyone about before he met me. Over the last few weeks it has got more and more intense and he has told me he loves me. I have started falling in love with him too, and really feel like we might be able to have a future together, but the current situation is so difficult that we can't be a 'normal' couple and have proper time together - it's always a few hours here and there followed by stress and recriminations when he goes home. And then last night he dropped the bombshell - well, I guessed. I thought there was something strange about the fact that his ex was always on his back, and when he said he had something to tell me the penny dropped - she's pregnant and due to give birth soon.

He has assured me that they are split up - he has even told her a couple of times that he is leaving but can't do it in practical terms (nowhere to go, no money, mortgage etc) or emotionally (doesn't want to leave his son or ask his ex to move in with family which would be the only option). From what he has told me she is very confrontational and is always shouting and swearing at him in front of their DS, telling him that he's a shit dad etc. He spends as little time at home as possible anyway, because he can't stand being there, although this may have gotten worse since we met each other, which I feel terrible about. Without going into too much detail I don't believe that they have any long-term future together, but my dilemma is whether I should just back the hell out and keep away for a few months while he deals with the situation or stay in his life and be supportive. I can't really find any way to justify distracting his attention from a newborn baby, however he feels about his ex I think he needs to concentrate on his children for a while. But - and of course there's a but - I feel really strongly about him and want to be there for him. Am I kidding myself? Can any good come of this situation?

Whatever the reality of this is, the only thing to ask yourself is , after extricating yourself from your ex, getting your life together and seemingly now on an even keel, do you really want all these complications in your life?
Are you ready and strong enough for all the emotional fallout??

I would distance yourself from him for at least 6 months, you owe it to his children, and get out there again , he is definitely not the only pebble on the beach!

Let him sort his own life out!

Fluffyanimal: I suppose it would depend a little on how the woman presented herself. But my advice to such a hypothetical woman would be 'Sort yourself out before expecting other people to look after you. Someone who makes bad choice after bad choice and learns nothing from the consequences is a loser.' Someone who is really fucked up is certainly bad relationship material, given that it's not possible to 'love someone better'.

if he was a nice guy, he would not be swapping numbers and persuing women who he just met, whilst he had a pregnant (?EX) wife at home.

If he was a nice guy, he would have been upfront about his situation from the start NOT once you had become emotionally attached.

This sounds like you have been seduced by my STBXH!! I can hear him using those lines about no-one putting his needs first/ really hard up-bringing/ no real friends/ hasnt told anyone else until he met you.

I would NOT believe his description of his wife. Why is she pregnant with his child if he thinks so little of her?

Even if he is genuine, you should still end it. His situation IS complicated/ stressful/potentially unhealthy and you have a dd to consider

SGB: but sometimes life is more unpredictable than that. Sometimes you meet someone and you fall for each other before you've had the distance or clarity to sort yourself out. Sometimes it takes the support of a new partner to do these things. I agree that you can't love someone better, but you can love someone while they get better, and being loved can give people the motivation to sort themselves out.

I think of my dad here. He met my mum while still married. His wife was what I think MN would now call 'toxic', and based on both his and my sister's accounts of her, possibly NPD. He got engaged to her young before going to university, during which time she met someone else but wouldn't break off the engagement. He followed through with marriage because he felt he'd made a commitment to her. She had a long-term affair, kept trying to push him into affairs, and yet kicked up merry hell when he met my mum (also in an unhappy marriage). My parents made the decision not to separate from their respective spouses when they realised they were in love, but to stay with them until their children were older. Then they divorced their first partners and were happily married for nearly 40 years. Now looking objectively at their story, I would not agree with or condone the way they behaved, but I know that they were both good people muddling through life as best they could, making mistakes but ultimately thinking they were doing the right thing. Sometimes life really is just messy and people aren't bad, they've just got themselves entangled through poor judgement.

Fluffyanimal: Maybe, but my advice to someone contemplating a relationship with an obvious fuckup would still be 'Run away, this person is far more hassle than you need, and there are less fucked up people out there' while my advice to anyone who came on here blaming everyone else for their bad choices would be 'sort yourself out, no one else can do it for you. And don't inflict your messes on other people in the guise of 'falling in love' with them'.

In answer to op's question - no nothing good can come of this situation. His (ex?) partner will be devastated (like you were when your ex left you!) to find out he has cheated at the very time when she needs him the most.

If you really care about this man tell him not to contact you again until he has left and is living apart from his ex in his own place. Until then, he isn't available.

It's a cliché surely ?

My wife doesn't understand me, I'll leave her soon I promise, i don't want you to meet my have any friends. etc etc etc

Possibly there is a thread on MN from his wife's side.

Go.

Ohh, I was you.

One word - RUN.

Put yourself in his pregnant and about to give birth wife's shoes.

She probably knows deep down her husband is playing away but has not hard proof so he tells her she is going mental or that it is her 'hormones'. No wonder she is yelling at him in front of the DC. Not right but understandable.

Of course all this information about what a psycho she is and likely to turn up on your doorstep is from the man who met you on a night out and swapped numbers, chased you relentlessly when you weren't really interested and didn't bother telling you about his wife being pregnant until months after you shagged and were developing feelings for him.

Cynical? Me?