So if you don't want sex very often ... do you still have it regularly? Do you see it as your duty and how do you stop yourself saying No?

[mrsotter]

Our sex life is pretty dire atm. . We've been together 12 years. We have an 8 month baby and a 3yr old.

It first started to wane when I realised dh expected sex at certain times, it turned me right off and then he would sulk which made me want it even less. Then he would try it on whenever I'd had a few drinks which made me feel as if he was sat there waiting me for to get tipsy enough not to say no. This made me feel really uncomfortable. So I told him this and he got in a huff and now there is little contact and even less sex!

I am in the mood for sex as we haven't had any for ages (it takes me this long to want it) but I find myself hesitating to approach dh as I know it will open the flood gates to the expectation of regular sex again. Which I know is unfair, I know we need regular sex so I'm asking how do you bring yourself to do the deed when you don't want to - what thoughts motivate you?

Talking to dh about this is a pointless exercise, it's all about me not wanting it in his head and he cannot see the other side

no idea at all but if you want it now, do it now would be my advice. Can't see the pointi n not having sex because of how he might act in the future IYSWIM especially if you feel it is something that needs fixing. You say the relationship needs regular sex, you want it atm but you are hesitating to say so.

sorry, no expert , just what struck me.

MrsOtter the statement 'I know we need regular sex' is not true tbh. People don't need, they want - big difference. Really the want stuff is all in the mind. While in general I wouldn't want to give sex up, I could also lead a v fulfilled life without it.

But back to your question, yes I think it's a duty to a certain extent, if you've gone to the trouble of marrying someone. I don't think it's fair to totally shut off the sex option without any discussion, even though the sulk behaviour you're describing from your dh is truly the biggest turnoff in the world. It's fine if you're in the mood, but if you're not, I find fantasising usually does it (ie about other scenarios/people if necessary).
I would say have a proper discussion with your dh and tell him your sex needs in order to adjust his expectations downwards. Then compromise somewhat and do it a small bit more than you'd like.

Remember that if your H sulks and puts you down if you are not in the mood for sex as often as he is, then his behaviour is part of the problem within the relationship. A libido mismatch in a couple has to be considered as a problem between them, not a case of one person being a frigid sexless prude and the other being a depraved dirty beast who should learn self control. There is no right number of times to have sex per month/week/year.

The fact that you are now feeling more inclined towards sex suggests that your H is not too bad and if you do get up to anything, a nice chat afterwards might help you both adjust your expectations.

You need emotional intimacy in your relationship and sex is usually part and parcel of that, so I am assuming that's what you mean by needing sex in your relationship.

I think SGB has a good idea that go for it and enjoy it and then afterwards talk to him about why you haven't wanted it for so such a long.

Explain how it complete turns you off because there is an expectation that it will happen if due to x y or z (I'm the same). Explain how effort from him to be loving/romantic/considerate (give him examples) without there being an expectation from him to do the deed will help.

It may help if you can talk to him about it without placing the blame on him, "When I know it's expected every saturday night (every time I've had a drink), I feel so undesirable, like it's just part of a routine, there's no effort put into making me feel wanted." That kind of thing.

Have you thought of having councilling ? It doesnt sound as though you are communicating that well , it might help to have someone experienced in this area to talk to either together or on your own ? Work out what you both want/expect from each other ?

What Springchickens said - word by word.
Having exactly the same problem MrsOtter, you are not alone...

I think SGB has it right - go for it if you're feeling in the mood (don't deny yourself just because of worries about how it will be in the future!) and then have a chat afterwards.

From my own experiences at the moment, I find talking about it rather than ignoring it really helps DH and I stay close at this trying time - like you, we have a 10 month old and 3.4yo and I'm still bf the baby so I feel as far from sexy as it is possible to be. Two children of these ages are utterly exhausting, and I feel continually mauled by them, so I just want to spend my evenings not being touched by anyone and having some physical space, which is not at all conducive to a close physical relationship with my DH! I sometimes think DH thinks 'Oh it's the weekend so it's time to have sex or it will be another week before we have it' and it is a complete turn-off as I don't like to do it just because we haven't for a while. Having said that I do have sex more than I want to - I think I probably only really truly want it about once every 3 months at the moment (DH got the surprise of his life last Thursday :o) but we probably have sex about once a fortnight at the moment - because I invariably enjoy it when I get going and it helps me and DH stay connected so I think it is worth acquiescing when I am not feeling completely anti. There is no real pressure from DH though other than he initiates to see if I'm in the mood, and he is very understanding about my need for space at the moment, so I feel like we are in a good place otherwise IYSWIM and that makes it easy to say yes when I'm maybe not feeling completely horny.