Please, desperately lonely and heartbroken.

[Melissaanddoug]

Please, if anybody could help with just some small words of advice. I'm really at all time low, my marriage has been declining slowly over the past yeara, been together about 12 years.
My husband has become very colds towards me emotionally, and treats me in fact like on of the kids, his motivation for being here is the children alone.
There is no sex or affectionHe has constantly rejected me sexually over the past number of years, the humiliation is destroying me and he has told me that I am pathetic.
Our children are the reason I'm still here I guess. I'm so terrified for them because I think I am totally going to fall apart.
Last night was rock bottom in that I truly truly wanted to die. I told him this but he said he didn't believe me.
I do have friends I can talk t, but didn't, just tries to keep up a charade that all was well, I'm going to try now, had been confiding alone with one guy online, but I felt that I was using that to mask the hurt in the marraige as he would constantly reassure me that I was attractive, desirable etc, things I desperately did want to hear, it just didn't feel like the right thing to do though.
Just hoping that with the vast amounts of experience here thT somebody may be able to help.
Thank you

Thank you, and specially for offers to Direct Message or meet ups.
I am very grateful for the time posters have given to respond. Yes I expect the children will cotton on sooner or later that something is amiss, don't want to model rubbish relationship skills for them either.

I'm taking first steps by posting here and opening up to friends, just allowing myself to do that has made me feel a little raw though, as if naming it makes the pain keener.

Somebody said to me that life isn't this hard all the time, trying to keep
That at the front of my thoughts as sometimes I forget.

Melissa how are you doing today?

Hi there, thanks I'm ok, baby steps you know.have been very wobbly so trying to take things easy and stay away from alcohol as I feel that it makes everything worse in the end. Normally not a big drinker but have been turning to it for solace of late.
Thanks for checking in!

just seen OP and want to say big hugs from me. Baby steps are great. don't try to fix your life all in one go. Sounds like DH could be the problem as far as the depression goes if you told therapist years ago about witholding affection?Wish you all the baby steps you need. You are miles more capable and loveable than he is letting you believe. Try and make an effort to not take notice of his bad messages. Can you pick a few phrases eg I am great I am capable I am good. To replace his words with and try and fill your mind with those instead?

Your medication is not working, you need to make an appointment to see your GP and get your meds either upped or changed. Your body has become accustomed to them and they are now failing miserably.

Please please see your GP, get new meds, and this will give you a better perspective on things and help you cope better.

Thank you cjel and fabby.

Yes I have a feeling you are correct about the effectiveness of the meds and did bring this up last time I saw Doc. I think I will have to be more forceful at next appt to have them changed.

I so want to hear "nice" things from him, I guess you are right, I need to say them to myself!

starting to say them to myself is doing me so much good !! I even believe myself when I say it now!!!