Not sure what answers I'm looking for but.. here goes..

[tellmethefuture]

So I'm new, and looking at all the good advice that's given here on various things, I thought I'd give it a shot.
I'm married 10 years with two dc 11 and 8. The problem is, although I really like my family life and wouldn't do anything to sacrifice it, I don't fancy my dh. I know it's gone and isn't coming back and I suppose you could say, we're in friend zone (for me anyway). We do still have sex, though not loads and mainly instigated by me cos I don't feel I can shut up shop with no explanation, but I don't want to give an explanation either cos a split is not what I want. In other ways, things are good. I respect my dh as an equal and he's a good dad. We're quite independent and not the type to crowd each other, and we each have hobbies and in general, the family setup is good. I suppose when I look into the future, I don't see us together and I'm wondering if anyone ever did that, ie stayed together until the kids were older, then just parted amicably, or if that's even possible?

'Okay Tellmethefuture, the bottom line is you would just like to enjoy/have a more satisfying sex life, you don't find your partner a turn on anymore.'

No, that's not really it. Seems like it's just very hard to get across how I feel about this. I really like my life, put it this way, my life would be 100% perfect if it wasn't for I feel I have a duty to my partner from a sex point of view etc. I'm not resentful of him at all, if anything I'm just resentful of this b%llshit societal expectation whereby you have to be in this sort of relationship in order to raise children. Ok you don't have to be but unless you're rich, the options of doing it any other way while still ensuring that the children have a 'present' mum and dad are limited.

MJ that's just it, our happy lives are not built on a pack of cards, we actually have a happy life with two well-adjusted and fun children who, granted, don't see us snogging and all over each other but do see us treating each other well and with respect, so please, don't make the situation out to be something it isn't. I'm sure there are plenty of adults out there who would've killed to have a setup like ours when they were young.

Whoever said I'm self-indulgent, you're entitled to your view. Our first priority is and always was raising our children. I already said I didn't want to replace what we have with anything, all I'm saying is I just find the sex imperative a duty and would like if there was just more flexibility there. My dh wouldn't be into an open rel setup so that wouldn't work.

I have been with dh 35 years and still tingle when he touches me!!!

Aren't you great

MJ if you think I'm cold, that's your opinion and of course, perfectly valid, although the truth is you don't know me so you're only basing it on the minuscule part of me you're seeing here.

I don't see separation and divorce in my future, that's just it, I don't know what I see in my future. For example, I know my dh wants to fulfill one particular dream which might take a few years, and if he does that, I won't be with him during those years as it's a project I wouldn't be qualified to take part in. So y'know, there's no definite plan on my part to separate but that wouldn't rule separation out. I never made promises to anyone.
Your views are a little black and white aren't they? The way you come across to me is that you think you're perfect.
I don't find sex with my dh repulsive because of how highly I regard him as a human. There are shades of everything in life MJ, and if you're really delusional enough to think that every instance of sex between two average humans is 100% wanted by both of them, you have a lot to learn.
Let's just agree to disagree.

I have to agree that you are being unfair on him. Making assumptions about what he does and doesn't want - assumptions that basically support the status quo as you have it.

I am not sure what you mean when you say "more flexibility" in your last post

Also you say "I never made promises to anyone" - well you are married, so presumably you did make promises

Please don't think I am unsympathetic BTW, I have been with my DH for 22 years so I'm not a newby to this, but I can't help thinking about this from your DHs point of view.

I signed a book in a registry office, there were no vows or promises made.

My dh is very happy with his family life in the same way I am. He doesn't have a raging libido, if he did I most certainly wouldn't be with him. I'm actually not making assumptions for him but I know that breaking the family up in the medium-term wouldn't be an option for him, and for all the reasons mentioned by me already, it's not something I want either.

I mean more flexibility in society in general, where it would be nice if like-minded people could join together as a team for the sole purpose of bringing up children in a good environment. See, most people wouldn't buy into that arrangement, though if people were to stop and think, it's better than all these folk going off and having affairs and causing devastation. Just my opinion though, cold disrespectful person that I am.

But you are too scared to actually talk to him about it - so there must be some doubt in your mind about how he really feels.

Sorry if I'm off-beam here, but are you thinking you might have sexual feelings for other women?

Why would you think that?! Tbh it would make things much easier if I was, but no, having pretty much had a few experiences in my youth, including 3somes etc, I know I'm strictly a man's woman... that doesn't mean they weren't bloody great fun.

I wouldn't say scared. I'd say the same man would be fully willing and capable of bringing something up with me if he thought there was a need!

In general, I think people find it hard to think in anything other than absolutes, ie it has to be abuse or bliss. It can't be 90% happy but with the 10% being sex, people don't seem to be able to compute that. Like that means our lives are a total lie, built on a 'pack of cards', kids will be psychologically damaged, I'm the wicked witch of the west, my poor dh being massively deceived and ill-treated: what's all that about?

"Like that means our lives are a total lie, built on a 'pack of cards', kids will be psychologically damaged, I'm the wicked witch of the west, my poor dh being massively deceived and ill-treated: what's all that about?" - I don't think people think all of that necessarily. I think it's more that people find it cruel (? - can't really think of a better word) that you have these feelings about your relationship in the present, and also in the longer term, but won't discuss them with your husband. As such, you are removing his option to choose - whether to stay or go, whether to change the status quo of your relationship in another way.

You are exaggerating what people have said - read back and you'll see.

I made the comment about marriage because my own view is that whilst you don't promise to love your DH for ever and ever, you do promise, IMO, to be honest and to give them the opportunity to know what's troubling you. Anything else is a deception. And on top of that you don't want to really know how he feels so that he won't rock the boat. You want it all your way. And you are troubled enough to post on here, so you really aren't all that happy. It isn't nice to be having sex without wanting to.

I asked about the sexuality because of the way you talked about partnership being mainly for the purposes of bringing up children in an "acceptable" family unit, and because, despite the nice things you have said about your DH you seem to have little passion (I don't just mean sexual) about him.

"As such, you are removing his option to choose - whether to stay or go, whether to change the status quo of your relationship in another way".

Exactly

'It isn't nice to be having sex without wanting to.'

Oftentimes I do feel like the sex, it's just that ...mmm how to even explain this... y'know I'm not even going to try cos it'll bring down more misunderstanding. Let me sum it up by saying that possibly in relation to sex, I think more like a man, ie sometimes it's just the scratching of an itch (not generalising for all men here).

'And you are troubled enough to post on here, so you really aren't all that happy.'
See that's where you're wrong.. and I feel I shouldn't be this happy with the situation the way it is. I suppose I don't feel entitled to that happiness cos in some ways I'm getting it under false pretences?

You're right I don't have passion for him, that's the prob I guess. But I find being passionate in bed comes naturally to me so it's easy to do (like I said, I have a very good stock of memories that come in very handy!) and also, to my credit, (well I do have to stand up for myself here!), I never fake orgasms. I guess it's emotional passion I can't do ... and I know that if I can't do that with dh, I can't do it with anyone and probably never have. And that's probably why I have the problem I have....

The potential solutions to your problem seem (at this present time) unpalatable to you.

You have successfully blocked every avenue/solution.

You do want to talk to your Dh/partner.

The passion cannot be regained with your Dh as far as you are concerned. You believe there would be no point in even trying.

You cannot leave because you are weaker financially.

You are mainly happy with the life you have with Dh (90%).

Is it that you would like other sexual partners, (but would also want to continue the marriage arrangement you have with your Dh) but know that your Dh isn't likely to agree to that?

What is it that none of us understand?

The potential solutions to your problem seem (at this present time) unpalatable to you.
I don't know if there actually is a solution to not being sexually attracted to someone, when it's not the usual suspects (pill etc etc). I find it really strange that people should find it unusual that the attraction should be gone without a trace. Has nobody ever experienced this with boyfriends?

You have successfully blocked every avenue/solution.
If you give me the solution to how to feel attracted again, I will gladly take it :)

You do want to talk to your Dh/partner.
We've actually more or less covered this ground and he has told me he's very content with the way things are. Delving into the whole sexual thing? I don't feel the time is right.

The passion cannot be regained with your Dh as far as you are concerned. You believe there would be no point in even trying.
I've spent the last 5 years trying, trust me. Nobody wants that more than me. Again, please give me the magic solution to losing attraction.

You cannot leave because you are weaker financially.
Like I said, it's not really that leaving is what I want but I do see my (hopefully temporary) lack of financial independence as an issue potentially.

You are mainly happy with the life you have with Dh (90%).
Very, yes.

Is it that you would like other sexual partners, (but would also want to continue the marriage arrangement you have with your Dh) but know that your Dh isn't likely to agree to that?
Not in particular no, so it wouldn't arise that there'd be a need for me to ask my dh to agree to it. I do fancy other people from time to time but I don't think that's unusual.

What is it that none of us understand?
I think what lots of people don't realise is that there are many, many people living in this type of relationship. It's an extremely tall order to stay attracted to someone over a long period of time and clearly, all the posts here about affairs here should tell us it's not working brilliantly. Long ago, people could expect to live til about 30 and that'd be good going. So in that 30 years, you basically had time to fulfill your biological function, then you corked it. Ok I digress, but nobody is going to tell me it's not a relatively common thing for the fancy to just disappear never to return. What people here can't accept is that it's quite possible to live a happy life without there having to be sexual attraction on both sides. It's a question of assigning priorities in your life imo.

So, am I right in thinking that you didn't post for advice - just to find kindred spirits?

That sounded more arsey than intended. I'm just not very clear. The thread was started with what I assumed was a problem, but latterly you are saying there doesn't seem to be much of a problem - and I'm not sure if that's because you are feeling attacked, or whether there really isn't much of a problem and you just wanted to talk to others in the same situation.

Well yeah mainly I wanted to see if people had done it successfully, which I asked in the last line of my op. I know from seeing people in RL that people do it plenty with no disastrous results but the worst side of that is when people stay together who dislike each other when it's clear to everyone they shouldn't be together (bad for everyone). A couple of people contributed above with cases like that. I believe my case is different in that we are happy and for me there's only this one thing, but that one thing is not more important than the totality of everything else.
So I know people posted anecdotally to say they know couples in my position but it looks like nobody on here has come through the situation fully themselves.
So that answers my question really. It was interesting and food for thought to read all the different views.

I am not sure of the point of this thread anymore

Best wishes