problems dealing with BIL and MIL - do we carry on?

[widge]

Hi, this is my first post altho I've been lurking on MN for a while now, I thought I'd ask for some advice. This might be a bit long - sorry.

My MIL had a stroke just over a year and a half ago and is now paralysed down her left side. After she left hospital she moved in with my BIL, her eldest son, as she can't live on her own any more. They're Indian, so he expected her to move in with him and she's always been closer to him (my DH was closer to my late FIL).

Carers come to the house three times a day, so they have lots of help with the physical side of things. We try to take a little bit of pressure off them by dealing with all the paperwork, her house (BIL is insistent its not sold), the bills etc. We also go and stay for the weekend once a month so that they can get away for a break (we live an hour's drive away). We made sure they have all the benefits they are entitled to (since they don't like filling in forms) and we make sure they get any of my MIL's excess pension.

So far so good. The problem is the way my BIL treats my DH. Before my MIL's stoke my BIL hadn't spoken to my DH unless he wanted something for over two years. He thinks nothing of shouting and swearing at my DH on the phone, the house is filthy when we visit (ugh, the state of the bathroom, all the cooked breakfast dishes just left etc) even if my MIL has been in respite for the two weeks before. He has told my DH he has no family (er, what about me and DS?), that he is white (I'm white) and so on.

My DH puts up with all this because he wants to see his DM and I certainly agree that if we do not do anything that my BIL demands then he would likely cut off access. The problem is that this is really taking its toll on us - we dread him ringing, we dread something setting him off so he rings DH to shout at him, we don't enjoy staying in their house. They have never once said thank you - altho we are always telling them what a great job they do, what hard work it must be and how much we appreciate it. Altho my DH is getting "used" to being treated like this, it really effects him and I hate to see him so unhappy when he is honestly doing all he can to help.

It has got to the point where I am wondering why we are keeping contact with them. BIL has already demanded a greater share of the proceeds of MIL's house when she dies - which is fine, we are happy for him to have the greater share, as he is doing the caring and it is hard work. I just wonder whether we would be better to hand over the house keys, bank account and pension to them and walk away. It really is a huge pressure on us and I'm just not sure its worth it any more.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What would you do?

Difficult one. Impossible for you to just give up on your MIL though. BIL sounds like an @rse and I hope he treats his mother with more courtesy and respect than he does the rest of your family.

Sorry, not much more I can add to help I'm afraid.

Hi widge, sorry you're going through this.

Would it be possible for MIL to stay at your house for the weekend instead of you and DH having to put up with BIL's stinking attitude at their house? I appreciate it's hard work looking after her but at least you wouldn't have to put up with seeing BIL.

BIL lives on his own, or did before MIL moved in, is that right? So presumably the filthiness of the house is something to do with how his own habits have been?

Hope I'm not out of line here, but it sounds as if BIL may have some general life skills problems? What do the carers think/say? Is there a social worker involved? Also, what does MIL say? - I'm guessing the stroke hasn't affected her mental capacity.

Thanks for your messages and support.

MIL can't come to us for weekends, she has to be moved by an ambulance when she does go into respite briefly and she needs a special bed to make sure she doesn't get bed sores. Also, carers are provided locally - there were enough problems switching bewteen her local social services and my BIL's local social services when she moved out of the hospital into his house - and they are only 20 minutes away from each other and in the same county!

BIL lived at home until he got married, he now lives with his wife and two kids. You're spot on about his life skills though - he doesn't seem to have any friends from what we've seen and if I'm honest, his wife brings out my least favourite characteristics in him.

Social services are involved but my MIL was always a bit vague about things she's not interested in (such as what day of the week it is for example) and her English (second language) is poor so its difficult for them to speak to her. And BIL does treat her well enough. She did used to be moody though, like my BIL, and they have been very close, then fallen out over something really small, then been very close .... ever since my FIL died. FIL was so straight and upfront and never put up with things like that. I did get annoyed on a couple of occasions when she tried to put my DH in the middle of a few fall outs she had with BIL, which meant abusive phone calls and so on for my DH.

At the moment DS is too small to understand what's going on, he's only just two. DH has agreed that he would cut himself off from them in a flash if BIL ever did anything that effected DS badly.

Its just so stressful and its only been going on just over a year - I can hardly bear to think about having contact with my BIL for years and years longer.

Well said Binkie!

Why does BIL insist that the house isn't sold now, why wait until MIL dies? Do you think it's maybe so that you and DH have to be involved and keep in touch with him due to the paperwork for it, and then he can sound off at your DH?

Maddison - I think you've got it spot on, its about control for him. I was never that fond of my BIL, but didn't find him objectionable until my MIL's stroke. She's nice enough though and it does upset me to think of my DS ever cutting off contact with me BUT I hate seeing my DH going through this with his "D"B.

Ah, my picture wasn't quite right, then - didn't realise BIL had a family too. It must be tough on his wife, however expected the arrangement is. Would I be right that it's also difficult for you & dh to find common ground with BIL via her?

It is good that MIL is treated well by BIL. But lots of complications and stresses here, I do see - and also I guess that some of those phone calls will be BIL offloading his own stress/difficulties with coping/emotions about his mother to whom he is obviously deeply attached - without realising it - ie, BIL thinks he's calling about a problem he's blaming on dh, but really he's calling to be miserable. Would it help at all if dh could remind himself that he, dh, isn't the real target, just one that's, for whatever sad reasons, a "safe" one for his brother?

I do feel for you all.

Is there any way you could limit the unscheduled contact, especially the abusive phone calls? Don't answer the phone if you think it's from BIL, unless your DH needs to speak to BIL?

Isn't there a way to tell what number is ringing on a landline? You get some gizmo on your phone?

Or let an answering service pick up all calls & you listen to the message (rather than your DH). Delete (so your DH won't hear it) & pass on any important messages from BIL to your DH so that he can ring back when he's mentally up to it?

Personally, I would also ask MIL to finalise her will so that everyone knows exactly what share BIL vs. your DH is getting of the house/estate... get that settled. Even if it's that BIL is getting 75% or 90%. I know that your MIL, being Indian, may not care about English law & wills, but you've got to try to persuade her.

If BIL's house is filthy, isn't that partly BIL's wife's fault, too? Is your SIL unapproachable?

We have caller ID which tells us who's calling and we do use it - can't dodge his calls for too long though because that just annoys him (and then DH gets it in the neck about being difficult to get hold of).

Unfortunately my BIL (like all my inlaws) only says "Call me" when he gets our answermachine (never please!) and likewise when I answer he will only repeat that he wants to speak to his brother (I think he knows full well what I would say if he tried shouting at me).

Will ask DH to talk to MIL about her house, which she hasn't mentioned since she had her stroke, so I don't know what she thinks has happened/will happen to it. At least one way or another that will be settled and since we're resigned to BIL taking most of it (and like I say, fair enough, its tough on his family) we're nothing to lose there.

His wife is ever so slightly hostile, always has been even before this. She comes from a very poor background, but I don't think that's it. Her English is better than my BILs, but she likes to talk Hindi if I'm in the room because she knows I don't - nice. She's never been keen on doing much housework which I suppose is fair enough, especially as my BIL isn't either.

This sounds like your dh needs to assert himself a bit more. I guess some of our cultural differences may be causing you probs too.

I certainly think your dh needs to ask his mother if she is happy as things are, and point out that the house is hers (assuming it is), it's up to her what happens to it.

BTW if the house is in her name, then if the time comes that she can't be cared for by your BIL's family, Social Services will force a sale to pay for her care.

Of course you could always point out to your BIL that if his mother does not make a will, the proceeds of the house sale will be split evenly between the children. If he wants more, then now is the time to get it sorted.