Found a letter this morning

[foundletter]

I was putting DH's socks away this morning and found a letter to me in there. It basically said he is unhappy with my sexual past and the sexual things I did at the age I was (14). But what can I do to change it?
He thinks I flirt and brag about my sexual experiences (which I don't think I do). And he says he wants more sexual favours, shall we say, and that I'd give them out willy nilly (no pun intended) to previous partners. He thinks I fancy a certain friend or that I'd 'been' with him him in the past - neither of which is true.

Should I mention that I have seen it? If I do it really all blows up, I end up depressed and self-harming, but these things need addressing I suppose. He's at work now and I just want him to know that I love him and he's really special, I couldn't live without him. I don't even know what advice I'm asking for! Just what do I do I suppose, TIA.

Presumably he left the letter for you to find? Otherwise, he isn't very good at hiding things! Perhaps rather than openly mentioning the letter to him (if you think it will blow things up) why don't you write a letter of your own to him, reassuring him of your love and telling him how special he is to you.

Now where could you leave it so he would find it? Not in your sock drawer, that is for sure!

Sorry i dont knwo your story Foundletter, so thsi might be out of line......

seems to me that his feelings about your past are HIS issue. as you say, you cant change the past and you cant change someone else's feelings.thats his responsibility

what you CAN change is the fact that if you have a row, you self harm. thats YOUR way of dealing with YOUR feelings. Please tell me you are getting some help to deal with your depression and self harming behaviour????

Thanks guys,

That's what I was thinking, a letter about how I love him without mentioning the other stuff. But then he'll know I've found his letter whether I openly give him it or hide it which could blow things up. I'm gonna write one but I dunno if I'll give it to him (definatley not hide it), just keeping my options open.

Any other great ideas anyone?

Thanks KM, crossed posts.
I suppose they are his issues but I just want to make him be happy and not have issues, resolve them for/with him.
I was on AD's for a while a few years ago and told the GP that I self-harmed but she didn't offer anything else. The only thing I can think of is a councellor (sp?) which I'm apprehensive of and I haven't got the time. I am getting better I hardly ever do anything like that now just when I argue with DH which isn't often. I'm getting stronger and am slowly working out why I do it, the feelings involved etc.
Thank you for thinking of me.

Could you not write a 'love letter' to go with his Christmas card. That way he needn't know that you've seen his letter - unless you really think that he wanted you to! Then again, if my dh found a love letter in his card, he'd wonder what was going on!

Thanks fairy, that's quite a good idea, athough he probably will think something's going on! Will do that and give him his Christmas card early so he knows how I feel soon. I don't know when he worte the letter only that's it's fairly recent so I want him to know now!
Thanks everyone much appreciated.

foundletter

There is help out there for people who self harm and I would urge you to look at this website initially:-

www.nshn.co.uk

Self harming as an issue certainly needs addressing.

Thanks meerkats I will have a look at that

Please dont think I am judging you - I knwo its your way of dealing with horrible feelings.And I admire you for working on them all alone - its not easy.

But some of teh things you say about your Dh worry me

• he cant deal with you directly

• he is unhappy with your "past" ( although you were just a child and preseumabley a pretty mixed up one)

• he accuses you of flirting and bragging about sex
  _ he is unhappy with your sex life

• he falsely accuses you of fancing other men and having sex with them

It sounds like he has soem big issues. I knwo you love him and want to work it out with him. But I dont know how you can if he wont talk about it directly and if you do, you self harm and get depressed. Dont you think it woudl help to have a neutral third party to help you resolve thsi stuff?

I wonder if your husband would benefit from going to Relate or receiving some form of counselling himself? He sounds very insecure.

I wonder if your husband would benefit from going to Relate or receiving some form of counselling himself? He sounds very insecure.

I wonder if your husband would benefit from going to Relate or receiving some form of counselling himself? He sounds very insecure.

I wonder if your husband would benefit from going to Relate or receiving some form of counselling himself? He sounds very insecure.

I think he is insecure mummytosteven but I don't think he'd be up for Relate, although I might gently suggest it to him next time he's upset about it.

Thanks everyone

god sorry about the multiple posts there!

I was wondering, just as you are considering writing a letter to help you explore your feelings, rather than for him to read it, could he have done the same? That might mean that he wrote it when he was feeling very insecure at THAT moment, but not necessarily all the time. Perhaps he already felt better having written it, and it is not so much of a problem as you might read into it.
I think I would make it my mission to let him know how much I loved him, lots of cuddles and smiles, tell him how sexy he is to you etc.

foundletter - how are you feeling about it all today? What have you decided to do?

Thanks mumoftreasures, I did think that he might have done that but he obviously feels like what he said in the letter so I still need to make him feel better, again thanks.

Thanks KM for thinking of me today, I wrote that love letter to him (without mentioning any of the stuff from his letter) and gave it to him cos we'd had a minor arguement yesterday morning and he was lovely didn't let on that I knew and I think I quite subtly (sp?) reassured him on a few points from his letter. He thought I was really soppy and it went really well, he got soppy too. It might all blow up again you never know, but at the moment it's very positive thank you all for your help yesterday. Internet hugs to all who helped!