"Don't tell me not to throw things in my own house"

[VivaLeBeaver]

He's been a twat isn't he?

Me and dd are sat in the dining room. DH comes into the kitchen part (its a kitchen/diner), he finds a roll of parcel tape on the work top and picks it up and throws it hard into the dining room bit. But far enough away that it wasn't in any danger of hitting us.

I ask him what the point of that was and not to do it and that was the reply I've got. I know he's narked off as he says that me and Dd don't put stuff away properly (it was dd who'd left the tape out).

But surely I should be able to sit in my own home without him slamming round the place and throwing things.

Well I know where I am living the USA if you throw things because you are mad even if is not at a person it is considered domestic violence because it is the potential to get hurt and emotional abuse to those around.

Even if you are unrealistically messy there are ways to sit and talk about makeing things better without getting in fights or stomping around.

If you do have a talk with him, Viva, what specific, measurable things can you request from him and propose for yourself, that can help you see how much progress is actually being made after the talk?

(just saying that as agreeing to do "more housework" is a vague concept that can end up being hotly disputed, whereas saying "do the lawn, bathroom and a shopping trip every week, whilst I do x, y, and z, and if anything is out of place please put it away calmly / nicely ask the person who left it to put it away, and let them choose the moment in their day when they can get around to it.")

so it has been eight years of fun...(not?)

have you had lots of fun times??

sorri - some of this reminds me of my exP.... a moaner. OCD ish about certain things (espec when i did them "wrong").

if he meticulously tidy for his own stuff too then makes some sense to say oh he is ocd - but if actually he has his own area for mess then what is that al about?

my exP then developed severe MH issues... but then again there is a fine line/blurred line between controlling behaviours (that impact on how you behave ie you alter your behaviour to try and avoid another moan) and suffering from MH issues he cant control without profressional help. if he doesnt see he has a problem you wont get much joy.

maybe now is a good time to take a thorough look at your relationship, yes.

whether you and dd want to continue to live with his moods.....you might find an individual session with a relationship counsellor helpful. to see where you could go from here.

people can get grumpy, have a moan, - but then they get over it...

what is the general mood in your house? usually light hearted and fun (except for an obvious reason) or always a black cloud?

Sorry but he sounds like a fucking nutter.

It is abusive to behave in a way which causes another person to change their behaviour out of fear. And chucking things is dangerous, you don't know where they are going to land. And FFS, what sort of example is that to your DD? Chucking things around the house? Who the fuck does that? I can understand if you live in Buckingham Palace and your rooms are enormous, but in a normal house? Do people throw things around, is that normal? I find it bizarre and mental tbh.

I grew up in a house like this - it was always REALLY messy, and my dad (who never did anything to help around the house at all) would regularly go into HUGE rages and throw stuff around/out the front door/downstairs/upstairs/off tables etc. etc.

It was hell

I still have anxiety problems from spending my childhood in a constant state of waiting for the next 'event'...

I'm not saying that your DH is as bad as that (dad turns out to have mild aspergers) but he should be made aware of how his behaviour can impact on his DD...

Good luck - I agree with the other posters btw, why on earth is it YOU that has to cut down your work and be 'in charge' of the state of the house? ESPECIALLY with an ill parent? Shouldn't he be taking everything over to leave you free to look after your dad as much as possible? Isn't that what marriage is?

Does he get no reaction unless he chucks things? If not, that would tend to make him chuck things.

Sounds horrible. I don't think I could put up with living with someone who throws and slams things around in a temper like that - maybe you'd forgive that behaviour in a moody teenager up to a point, but a 50 year old man should be ashamed of himself! It's just ridiculous.

If you're struggling to keep on top of the housework, then I would think the two of you need to sit down together and work out how best you can manage things between you. Shouldn't be just a case of you running around and re-organising your life in an attempt to please him.

"Does he get no reaction unless he chucks things? If not, that would tend to make him chuck things"

Um, that smacks of making the other people in the house responsible for his behaviour. No-one or nothing makes him chuck things - he chooses to chuck them. If he gets no reaction in the office from his colleagues about an issue he wants to engage with, I bet he doesn't start chucking things there.

Excellent point by HerBeX, OP: how does your H handle his frustrations with people who aren't you and DC?

Agree with HerBeX too. He's a grown man, and no one can 'make' him do these things. He's responsible for his own behaviour!

Maybe if it was a toddler or young child we were talking about, there might be something in the idea of him playing up out of a craving for attention/reactions from Mummy. But he's 50 years old!

You are suffering domestic abuse, both emotionally and physically (what he did was assault, and because dd was there, child abuse). If ss find out about this they could threaten to take dd away unless you ask dp to leave. Please contact womens aid for advice.

it is a little bit of a leap to suggest DD is going to be taken away - SS are not going to rush in on reports a tape roll was thrown!

what does DD make of his behaviour?
how does she see her dad?
how does she see her mother?

however - posters are making the valid point that there is both subtle and not so subtle controlling behaviour going on here.

that you need to tackle: but as the reaction has been "i can do what i like in my house" then you will have a tough job asking him to change his ways....

tho if you point out it is shared house with you and DD not "his" house and that if this conitnues he will have to find his own house to act as he wishes - then he may or may not believe you.

but you cant say that unless you really mean it.

the more you become aware of what is going on - the better and stronger you will be and ready to consider your options and present them to him.

In an office, however, there are procedures you can invoke if you need a response from someone and they just ignore you.

What do you do at home if your OH ignores you?

He has certainly got her attention. How do we know this isn't what it takes?

I read in the OP's posts that clearly takes a lot less than throwing stuff to get her attention, Apocalypto, since she admits to walking on eggshells when he comes in in the evenings.

Sounds like she is very much listening to his wants and needs, but that these are confusing and frightening to her.

So I take it that he's not bemoaning you working too much out of concern for you overdoing things? It's because there's been less time for you to pander to him see to what he sees as "your duties" around the house.

hmmmm.