I can't stop crying, feel so upset this morning

[kkgirl]

Had a falling out with DH last night, caused by youngest son, who wouldn't go to bed. DS2 wants everything his own way, DH took both sons to a local football club, and because DS2 is only 9, he wasn't going to be included in the game, so went to car all upset. DH spoke to the organiser and they agreed to let him join in. He was watching a match in our bedroom, and then we get lots of attitude when he was told at 10pm to go to bed.
I stepped in, as DH can't deal with situations without losing his rag, and then it ended with shouting and threats of grounding etc. DH told me he was tired and had had a long day. Like I haven't Just because I work part time, he thinks I have it easy, but once he comes in from work, thats it sit down, play on computer, have a beer.
He slept on the sofa, no apology this morning, and although it sounds trivial its not. For the past XXX number of years, I have tried to keep it all together, but am feeling that its not worth the bother. The thought of years of this, and then when the kids start flying the nest, whats left.
Sorry just needed a rant, so upset can't think straight.

oh poor you. I know how you feel. Maybe phone him later and see if you can sort it out. Are things really so bad or is it just the odd thing?
If you think its worth working at then do!

thanks, i dont want to be bothered with him, i feel so hurt that he doesnt appreciate how hard i work. Things are bad, he treats the children like they are a nuisance, doesn't show them any affection, and never really bothers with me, prefers mucking about on his computer. I can't see the point in carrying on like this for years.

playing devil's advocate (feel free not to read)

maybe he felt when you stepped in that you thought he couldn't cope with his own children .. maybe he felt emasculated by it and it all blossomed from there?

You sound just like I did years ago!!
I left!

You say he doesn't show the kids affection - at least he's involved with them and takes them to a football match. That's got to count for something?

Could you make some more time for yourselves in the evening by getting the kids to bed earlier? I have a 9 yr old and she goes to bed at 8.30.

kkgirl - have you talked to DH about how you feel? I don?t mean as in shouting about who has the hardest life and who get sthe least respect type discussion (we have these...) but a proper, no blame just honest feelings talk? I would try to engineer some adult time, even a simple meal out with babysitters for the kids, and see if spending time as a couple, relaxed no pressure type thing can help you both get back that "couple" feeling again? I know when our marriage goes offline a bit, the only way we get back on track again is talk talk talk talk and talk about how we are feeling/what is uspetting us etc, with plenty of time spent together as a couple and as a family. We are far from perfect but have successfully worked at our marriage so far!
I think it would be worth trying to discuss your feelings with him in a way that does not get him on the defensive and feeling that you are just blaming him, and try to get him to tell you how he is feeling too. You might well find that he feels you are with the boys so much that he feels undermined or that they listen to you but not him..I am not excusing him in the slightest, just trying to say that there is often two sides to a problem and it is always worth trying to empathise with the other one.
You must have seen something in each other to have made a home together and have two children, so perhaps worth considering if you can get back to that again with a little bit of communication, finding time together etc and get your family back on track. At least this way, if it does all eventually end in deciding separation is the best solution, you can do so knowing that you have made a good stab at dealing with the real issues and have behaved like adults.

Agree about the son's bedtime. My 9 yo son goes to bed at 8 or sometimes 8:30 as a special treat. If your son had a regular bedtime, there would be less room for him to argue about it when the time came and so less stres for you and dh. Also, it sounds like you could do with some time together alone. I don't know what age ds1 is or when he goes to bed, but you should try to get some space for yourselves.

Sorry, I am not really addressing your relationship issue here, but it did strike me that your son goes to bed too late.

10pm is late for a 9 year old. Your DH was probably miffed because you stepped in and he perhaps feels you think he can't deal with DS. He had taken him to the football and made sure he was included in the game. Perhaps he doesn't do the family thing because he feels you think he doesn't know how to do it right.

Thanks for your replies. I feel as if I am always trying to calm things down. DH has a quick temper, and is miserable in nature, whereas I try to see the best in things, and be positive when I can, perhaps I am being unrealistic. DS2 does normally go to bed earlier, its just that he didn't come home until 9 when the match finished and then we didn't bother trying to get him to bed until 10 because we were watching TV.
I think the crux of the problem is that we are always tired, we have ds1 11 and dts 9 so it is quite a lot to cope with.
I'll talk to him when I can, although time is the problem, he is out tonight and tomorrow, there is very little time for us both.

Thanks for your support anyway.

Dh sounds great fun, quick tempered and miserable!
Not like the man you married, yes? People do change, grow apart sometimes. The only way to know is to get a baby-sitter and go out together. Chat over a candle, that sort of stuff...

Oh he is the man I married, just more stressed and quick tempered than ever.
We have apologised to each other, and I have told him how offended I felt, but as usual he wasn't sure what he had said to upset me, he thought it was something else.
He has exchanged my guillotine which broke to try and make it up to me, that sounds very unromantic, but it was something which needed sorting and I am touched.