Elderly Parents

[MilkMonitor]

So, my pil are down this weekend. They're fine. We get on ok, generally speaking. They are supportive, loving gps. I'm lucky.

Fil retires next year. They live in a £500k house. He's a partner in a small law firm. Not wealthy but well off.

They keep mentioning about where they're going to live. Tonight the conversation was like this (dh in bed, not feeling well btw):

Fil: So, I keep saying to your dh, we'll come and live in your spare room.

Me: A ha ha ha (nervous). Our spare room is very small.

Mil: Oh yes, I remember your dh saying when he was young, "Don't worry Mum and Dad, you can live with me when you're old. I'll put you in the garden shed if I have to."

Fil: And I said to him, "But your wife might not like it. And he said, "Oh don't worry. She won't mind," He's a good boy, your dh."

Mil: And I remember his sister saying nothing. She was 15 and your dh was 13 and he would say this and she would just be silent on the sofa. Typical dd. She's always been difficult. We could never live with her.

Fil: No, we couldn't. She was a difficult teenager and now she's a difficult adult.

Me: Well, everybody's different, aren't they?

God. I'm being primed for their retirement home, aren't I? Fil retires next year and they're trying to sell their home and they want to move in with us! Why do they think it's a good idea? I couldn't bear the idea of living with my grown up dcs! I'd go potty.

To be fair, their dd is difficult - fallen out with many family members, racist etc. I like my pils. They are kind, loving albeit ignorant people who will, like anyone, make me go bonkers if I have to share my home with them. I don't want to live with my parents or dh's parents. Ever.

Plus my marriage would not survive them living with us. Whose marriage could? It would just be something else to argue about!

Thing is, they know we are designing and building our own house next year and they have also hinted several times about annexes, extra rooms for long term visitors etc.

What should I have said instead? Please help! Should I drop Fil a gentle email saying that I think it's not going to happen? They are both fit - 59 and 65 years old - but no interests other than the gcs to the level of obsession. I cannot have them living with us. I will go mad. I need to nip this notion in the bud. What's the best diplomatic approach do you think?

Say nothing.

It was your dh that promised this - he dug the hole let him fill it.

Yes. Have a serious talk with your DH, he was the one who indulged their fantasy!

But he was a kid when he said all that. I guess that's enough of answer but they're clearly clinging onto it. I really think they believe that next year they should come and live with us when fil retires.

I like them but I don't want them around all the time.

I hate the thought of hurting/disappointing them but at the same time, I do feel they're being manipulative by bringing up what their ds said to them as a child as if it were gospel and an indictment on their dd's personality.

I actually think they are teasing you anyway.

Holy cow, you need years of high-level training at the UN for that one.

I can't believe they would even think of holding DH to something he said when he was 13! That's why children can't sign contracts!

What is your DH's (adult) opinion?

HE really needs to spray cold water all over this one right away, and with no room for misinterpretation. Unless of course he does want them to live with him, in which case you and the DCs can move into PILs' lovely house and they can move into yours with DH

You need to discuss this with your DH, then he needs to talk to pil, long before any building work on your beautiful new home starts!

A good compromise would be to suggest helping your pil to look for a suitable property (bungalow, ground floor flat etc) in an area that is nearby but not too close for comfort. It also means that you would have babysitters on tap!

Yes it completely sounds like they are expecting to move in. By guilt trip.

What does your DH think?

• does he still want your PIL to move in with his adult self?
• does he say nothing in the hopes that it will all go away OR in the hopes that you will just accept it eventually?

Either way, you need to drag out a firm position from him. It may not be the one you want, though.

If he doesn't want PIL to live with him in adulthood, then the two of you starting with him need to be clear with PIL on that before they sell their home.

If he does or doesn't, but feels he can't refuse parents or be firm with them on this then lord help you. PIL will keep pushing for what they want, and if they aren't receiving any firm refusals from their son, then that's what's going to end up happening. That, or massively wounded egos and eternally hurt people all round, with you cast as the villain.

I cant honestly see that the PIL who are fit and healthy with substantial wealth behind them would reasonably want to move in with the op - perhaps you could look at properties local to you and suggest they look at living nearer to you but at the same time retain their independance .....because as the dc get older the Grandparents home will be a place they will like to stay over at.

Incidentally is this is a cultural issue?

BTW as a 54 year old - 59 and 65 is not elderly!

Many people live well into their eighties these days so if you take your PIL into your home now, you could have them with you for 25-30 years. Scary thought!

I can understand them wanting to see their grandchildren frequently but expected to move in while they still fairly young, fit and healthy is completely out of order. They are only thinking of themselves and what they want - they are not considering the needs of you, your DH or DCs.

My DH is an only child and my PILs (now deceased) would have moved in very quickly, given the chance. Like you PIL, they had no hobbies or interests and were obsessed with my DH - not their GCs particularly. Because of finances (they didn't own their home) such a move was never really a serious option, but I would have really put my foot down if it had been put forward. Living under your PIL's scrutiny day in, day out is not good for your mental health, no matter how well you get on.

I think he's probably teasing you. They are not old - I thought you were going to say they were in their 80s or 90s...Why would a sixty year old partner in a law firm want to leave the comfort of his own home and come and live with you and the noise of grandchildren 24/7

Say nothing to him but do speak with your DH to manage expectations. If you know you never want them to live with you say it now - I'm presuming the same goes for your parents. Presumably you realise they may need care in the future and may need to spend their savings and potentially the money from the sale of their house (in the future) on live out / live in care or a care home so that may impact financially on you but obviously you can't have everything (their assets but not the caring responsibility).

This is totally down to DH to tell them it isn't going to happen, but he could try softening the blow by suggesting they move closer to you. Not as close as in the same street or anything, but just close enough so they are able to visit reasonably frequently.

P.S. I adore my PILs, but not in a million fucking years would I have them living with me.

I moved in with my parents when they became to unwell to manage & was a carer until they died, about 10 years, I am totally happy with that decision. We employed help using my mothers benefits (until she sacked them :( )

However these were MY parents. Your Dh should explore all options if they are serious and look @ what HE intends to do & see if you could cope with any of his ideas. I'd be trawling the estate agents for a big house with a granny annexe and pool your resources, making sure Sil had no legal claim to it. He can then look after his parents to his hearts content whilst you and Dc pull up the drawbridge :)

My great-grandmother moved in with my grandparents for a few years when they were newly married, my grandmother always said it was the most difficult thing, despite the fact that they all liked each other she drove her dil bonkers as I think any mil would.

Could your dh say to them, in your presence "Mum, Dad, we know you're only teasing about moving in with us, but please could you stop - we all know you don't really mean it! Let's face it, we'd drive you mad within a week! So, what kind of place are you thinking of buying when you sell yours?"

I am between the ages of your PIL and would never in a million years want to move in with my DD or DS. There would be more chance of them coming to stay with us. I also dont consider myself to be elderly. I also agree if my MIL moved in with us I would move out.

Of course they are teasing, I bet your face was a picture when the conversation started, they only did it cos your DH wasn't there, and wanted to see if you reacted!
They probably weren't dissapointed!

I'm in my 50's and can't imagine sharing a home with young children, much as I like to see the younger members of my extended family, I think most people in their 50's and 60's feel the same way!

Not so far off their ages myself and can only imagine they are teasing. I'm looking forward to many years of child free existence and certainly wouldn't want to be with my (future) grandchildren 24/7