Living with Aspergers - the husband's viewpoint

[HappyHubbie]

OK, I?ll confess ? I?m a man. You probably guessed from my ID. I didn?t want to intrude, but I have exchanged a few messages on a thread about Aspergers, and I thought it might be helpful to write a bit about my own experiences as an adult who has Aspergers as there seem to be a lot of women understandably struggling to live with men who have at least some Asp tendencies. Rather than hijack an existing thread I thought I?d start a new one.

I'm probably unusual in that I am aware of my ... peculiarities, I suspect most Asp men have no comprehension of their behaviour. The reason for that is simple, when I was a kid in the 70's Aspergers didn't exist - you were just a bit odd.

All my life, both as a child and as an adult, I've felt like an outsider. I have plenty of acquaintances but few actual friends, and I have always been like that. In my job I have to be quite outgoing, large groups of people don?t bother me, and I am very good at talking to strangers on any level from children to dustmen to Lords & Ladies. It doesn't often bother me, I like my own company, but just sometimes I do wish I had a proper circle of friends like normal people. I feel I?ve missed out on a lot. I have a strong and happy marriage, great kids, and generally I?m pretty content with life.

As a child I always felt slightly on the outside of everything, like I never really belonged. It didn?t help that I wasn?t much good at football (Asp often has physical aspects ? my son runs in a very odd way for example) and the things I excelled at weren?t in any way ?cool?. I always felt good being part of a team or doing any activity which involved wearing a strip or uniform, because it made me like everyone else for a while. I still feel like that. A few years ago my job involved wearing a uniform, and I positively loved it, I was so proud to wear it (it was a holiday company, not the SAS) ? how pathetic is that for a grown adult!

I had a terrible relationship with my father since I was about 10. It?s obvious though that he too has Aspergers tendencies, and knowing that has let my finally have a relationship of sorts with him. We?re distant, but it suits us both. He wasn?t like me, he was more shouty and much less tolerant. My mum, like my wife, has not had the easiest of times and the way he spoke to her used to upset me so much that I often tried to persuade her to leave him. She didn?t, and now I?m very glad. He?s mellowed a lot.

It?s only in the last year that I?ve been aware of Aspergers at all. My son was identified by his primary school as being ?on the spectrum? and they have been fantastic, both the teaching and support staff have made a massive difference. Part of their work has been educating us as his parents in what Apsergers is and how to deal with it. Going through that process it slowly dawned on me that I had had exactly the same problems as my son has. For obvious reasons this has been a hugely emotional journey for me, reliving my childhood which, while it wasn?t particularly unhappy, I am happy to have put behind me.

I was never violent or aggressive as a child, although my son can be at times. In my 20?s and early 30?s I was prone to getting angry about stupid things, usually bad driving, and I?ve had more than a few incidents where I?ve leapt out of the car ready to thump some bloke who cut me up or whatever. Never angry with my wife or the kids though, and I rarely even raised my voice (more of a sulker than a shouter). In the last ten years - I?m now mid 40?s ? I have mellowed a lot, and now that stuff doesn?t bother me in the slightest.

I?m easily distracted. I forget to do stuff that I?m asked ? simple things like buying a loaf of bread. Often I make decisions without considering the effect on my wife. I?m quite intolerant of tv programmes like X Factor , and I can?t stand being in the room when it?s on, or even hearing it from the next room. I?m not as supportive as I could be, I tend to offer advice like ?Well, get a new job then? when faced with complaints about a hard time at work. It?s not sarcasm, it would be my solution, and I?m trying to help. It doesn?t help. Sometimes I deliberately ignore my wife, even though I know I should respond. I?ve no idea how much of this is down to Aspergers and how much is due to ?being a man?.

On the positive side I am happy. I love my wife, and tell her so at every opportunity. After 20 years we still hold hands walking down the street. I try to be a good dad, I don?t succeed as much as I?d like, but I do my best. My wife has probably been the most important factor in coming to terms with Asp. She is tolerant, understanding, kind and loving. She married me knowing what I was like (we lived together for a long time) and she chose to accept me as I was rather than setting out to change me.

So how do you deal with a man who has Aspergers? Understand him, accept that he doesn?t hate you. Accept him, don?t try to change him ? Asp people can?t change. For me defining myself as having Aspergers has been a huge help. I feel at peace with the world (that sounds corny but it?s true) and my place in it. Before, I always felt slightly out of phase, slightly ?different? without it being a conscious thing. There were times I hated myself. Knowing and understanding what the reason is has made it possible to deal with some of the issues, but there?s a lot I can?t change. I wish I could. Before confronting the issues with my son, I would probably have laughed if my wife or anyone else had suggested I had it. I was always sceptical that such things even existed ? now I know they do.

If your husband has Aspergers please also remember one thing ? you probably think he sails through life, pleasing himself without a care for anyone else, because that?s how we appear to others. The reality is different, and I?m pretty sure having Aspergers is worse than just living with someone who has it.

I hope this helps someone. I?m happy to answer any questions, but please remember a couple of things:

1. There are many flavours and shades of Aspergers, I can only answer for me.
2. Some men have Aspergers; some are just not very nice. A lot of what I have read here probably falls into the latter category

I have no questions, but wanted to say thanks for such an interesting post.

Thanks for sharing that HappyHubbie. It's an interesting post and I think it will help a lot of people. It's also really refreshing to hear your perspective.

Did realising you have Aspergers make you appreciate your wife more?

Thanks :)

As the mother of a teen with Aspergers, I found your post fascinating. I can't ever imagine a time when my son might have the level of insight into his AS as you seem to. In fact, at this point, I can't imagine him ever finding someone to share his life with (other than his xbox!).
I am as sure as I can be that my husband is on the spectrum as well.
Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for your post HappyHubbie. It's really interesting to read such an insightful perspective into a poorly understood set of conditions.

My son has ASD. When talking about how it is inherited, dh often says things like, "Well, that will be me!" I wouldn't be surprised actually - my dh sounds like you! Especially the job comment!!! It is sometimes said that autism is very very extreme maleness!!!

Your post has me wondering if I have Aspergers. So much of what you describe is familiar! Interesting post, thanks.

Great post, really informative. My dad (82), I am pretty convinced, has Aspergers. My daughter is very severely autistic, so there is possibly a heredity element to it. I love the bones of him- infuriating as some of his habits are, he is the kindest, most loyal person you could hope to meet. I'm so glad that my mum stuck with him, even though he can be awkward to live with.

Thank you for sharing that HappyHubbie. My son has been diagnosed as possibly on the spectrum - one of those borderline cases - and you sound a lot like him. He also gets on with groups of people, will talk to anyone regardless of "status", but has few close friends. He loves systems and hierarchies (and would love a uniform!). He is kind and sensitive too and you've given me hope that he'll one day have a happy relationship.

Seeing as you are in the relationship section, one of the most important things you said (for me) was:

"1.There are many flavours and shades of Aspergers, I can only answer for me.

1. Some men have Aspergers; some a just not very nice. A lot of what I have read here probably falls into the latter category."

I think there has been a sudden tendency to label any shortcoming from a male (particularly where he lacks empathy) as being down to aspergers. Having aspergers or autism does not make you a robot or a clone who acts identically. You are still an individual with your own personality. Whilst a man or woman with aspergers may well inadvertently offend, that doesn't mean that they are cold or uncaring. Most people with aspergers will be upset if told that they have hurt a loved one (although maybe not understand why). If they are not upset about hurting people that tells it's own story that has little to do with ASD.

You sound like my DH HappyHubbie (i hope he is as happy as you are ), albeit he has a great relationship with his Dad (also Aspie).

I get infuriated and confuzzled by him regularly and this part of your post really resonated with me:
'If your husband has Aspergers please also remember one thing ? you probably think he sails through life, pleasing himself without a care for anyone else, because that?s how we appear to others. The reality is different, and I?m pretty sure having Aspergers is worse than just living with someone who has it.'
Sometimes, yes, i do feel DH gets to do what he wants to do without a care for the rest of us, so it is interesting that you feel this is related to Aspergers rather than being an unthinking male

Thank you for your post it has been very helpful. My partner is in a bit of a world of his own and I'm not sure if it is Aspergers but your behaviours sound very similar. He would never consider himself as having Aspergers (I have tried suggesting it) and just considers himself to be a bit of a loner. He gets on in groups ok but like you has few close friends. He is extremely numerate and logical but enjoys the arts and literature (just perhaps in a less emotional way than I do). He often ignores me and prefers lots of alone time which until recently has put a huge strain on our relationship as I was taking it very personally.

He is also easily distracted and intolerant of certain things, he also offers really practical/simplistic solutions to multi dimensional problems because they make sense to him but they send me ballistic when all I want is a hug and some reassurance. I have had to have crisis talks with him to explain that I personally like alot of love and affection otherwise our relationship will have to end and he has agreed that he will make more effort.

It's really odd because reading your post has made me feel warmer towards him. I now know he is not doing this on purpose and it is not personal. So thank you for your post.

Thanks op that was an extremely interesting and informative post.

You sound so much like my dp that I had to think very hard to decide whether he had access to a computer at the time of your post. He hasn't, so that's OK, although I wouldn't have minded him writing those words, I prefer to be the sole mner of the household.

thank you happyhubby apart from the fact that my hubby was brilliant at football as a kid everything you have said makes sense, and you are very similar to him, im sure he does love me in his way, its just frustating sometimes having to ask for a cuddle as he wouldnt think of it first, and the walking out of the room cos he needs his space when im half way through telling him something is teeth gritting time, have to write a shopping list or yep he forgets all the things i want and only comes back with his stuff, but in other ways hes lovely, never shouts, has never hit a woman in his life, may not hug but buys me bars of my favourite chocolate for no reason except its a nice thing to do

redbunnyfruitcake, my DH sounds very like yours. Your post says that until recently you've found it hard not to take his ignoring you personally. I am really struggling with this at the moment, and I'd be so grateful for any ideas about how I can accept that he doesn't mean to hurt me, he just doesn't realise how his ignoring me and lack of hugs hurts.

HappyHubby, thank you. You sound very similar to my DH, and it is somewhat sobering to hear from the other half of the relationship in a time of strife

Could you describe how Asps affects your day to day behaviour as it sounds as if you feel an outsider- but do you behave like one? You seem to have high empathy skills for someone with Asps?

AlsoAvailableSober - actually, that's not what I meant. Much of what is put down to Aspergers is probably just men being .... rubbish. My point was that if you think your DH is Asp then he's probably not as happy 'on the inside' as you might assume.

redbunnyfruitcake - you're describing my relationship with my wife perfectly. I'm glad it's helped, keep in mind that I love my wife very much, as I'm sure he loves you. Interesting you say he wouldn't ever consider Aspergers, until having problems with my son I would have scoffed at the idea too.

FourThousandHoles - yes I'm your husband. I'm typing this from the kitchen, do you want a cup of tea while I'm here? Only kidding, my wife doesn't do internet forums, you're safe!

HappyAsASandboy - Sorry you're having a hard time, hope my post helped a bit.

Terraviva - One thing I've learned from these threads is how hard it is to be the partner of someone with Aspergers or even just some of the symptoms, I hadn't really considered that aspect of it. I'm probably looking at my wife in a new light too now, which I didn't expect to happen.

ameliagrey - Interesting question, I'm not sure how to answer that. I suppose I've learned to avoid situations which make me uncomfortable, for example I don't drink much, and I tend to avoid going to pubs and so on with groups of colleagues even. We don't really go out with other couples, part of that's down to babysitting and so on, but also my wife knows that I'm not great in these sort of situations. That said, in the last few years my job has changed and I have to be very outgoing with strangers so I'm much better in these situations. I used to feel like I was acting cheerful and friendly, now I think it's part of my character rather than an act and I actually enjoy meeting new people but I just don't desire close friendships so I keep people at arms length (which naturally tends to cure the problem of having friendships anyway). The only close relationship I've ever had in my life is with my wife, but even that probably took 10 years before I really felt so comfortable that I could tell her anything. I've no idea if that's normal but it seems a lot (we've been together 20 years now). My wife has had to be very tolerant, patient and forgiving. My first wife was none of these things, and the marriage lasted only a few fairly tumultuous years. I don't mean to blame her at all, we should never have got married. I'm ok on empathy (by Asp standards anyway) but remember that Aspergers is a whole set of things and not everyone has all the features to the same degree. We're interesting that way ....

Reading your replies has made me realise what my wife has given up and been through to get us this far. I knew I was lucky to have her, just didn't realise how lucky! Which reminds me, it's time I demonstrated that - I shall go and offer her (rather than FourThousandHoles) a cup of tea.

Gosh - that thread could have been written about me - mum of two teenagers, one (male) not diagnosed but with definite Aspy tendancies, and a nephew diagnosed at the age of four, which made me investigate Aspergers.
I can identify completely with the childhood isolation, feeling an outsider, happy with my own company, lack of empathy, very systematic approach to dealing with any problem. Both my exes said they didn't know me any better after ten years or so of marriage, than the day they met me. I felt no emotion whatsoever when the marriages ended, just a feeling of 'oh well, another friendship that didn't work out.'
Now I am older, I am able to see situations from another's point of view, and I do have a network of friends. Tbh, they come to me for a male perspective on any relationship puzzles, as they have decided that I think like a man. I am not emotional, or girly - for years I just thought it was part of being from the North!
Hugging, kissing and touching is a particular no no, and I have actually explained to my children when they were younger, that if ever they needed a hug, then come and get one, because I wouldn't necessarily think of offering - both kids turned out very well balanced, and my boy, like me, is learning to appreciate that some areas of his personallity need a little work.
Life is still a learning curve, and I have difficulty in reading body language, and picking up on the little clues that mean so much.
Luckily, I have some good friends who now explain things to me, as well as rolling about laughing because I don't get it!

happyhubbie just read your post. A very honest post,I think. have been with my DH for over 20 years. As years went on so did the computer time/game playing. I wasn't interesting enough,or sexy.
In the early years I just thought he was.....a cold fish.... could change....
No.
I'm living through it,but now he has health problems that are not logical. Any idea where to look?

Interesting, yesterday we had a meeting with the EP who suspects DS has ASD, but she also suspects that I do too. I've always attributed my weird behaviour and lack of social skills to ADHD.

Fortunately, DH has ASD traits too, so is not too bothered by my emotional neglect.

EP also said that adults on the spectrum make great parents.

Thank you for taking the time to post, that is really useful to read.

DS has HFA. DH also believes that he has many traits as does FIL.

I hope my DS manages to hold down a happy long term relationship like yours

Hi HappyHubbie,

Can I ask you about in your 20s and 30s and your aggressive outbursts. Was it impulsive? Was it you could not help yourself? Would you then persue who ever it was until you had revenge? Did it become obsession with anyone or just needed to hurt the person you percieved as doing wrong to you that moment in time? How did you feel at these times when these incidents happen...what thoughts did you have?

This is about my ex not you lol! He has symptoms of AS and our dc has ASD.