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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MNer's i need your help, for my friend

12 replies

NameChangedToHelpToMyFriend · 21/07/2011 12:24

My lovely friend is going through hell at the moment, i so want to help her but i just dont know the right advice to give her in terms of where she would stand financially.

Im going to have to keep certain details here to a minimum as i dont what to risk (however small that maybe) her DH's family/friends finding out.

Basically they are a larger family than average family she is a SAHM and he works to support the family, he earns i very very good wage, they dont qualify for any tax credits at all. The mortgage is over a 1000 pound (joint mortgage), and he has approx 20k debt (possibly more) on credit cards :( which was all spent in shite!!! for him i will add, not on things for the family!!

This man is mentally abusing (i wont go into to much detail, IMO this is very serious abuse!!) my friend, its escalating now to the point now where it could very shortly to turn physical abuse to. He constantly threatens to walk out on her, leaving her terrified she will be left homeless and unable to support her children :(. He threatens to fight her for the DC as he can support them and she cant! her MIL actually once reported her to SS because was on meds for PND!! :(. All this abuse is also being witnessed by the children.

Where would she stand financially, if she just let him walk out? would her DH have to still pay the mortgage? would she have to move into rented accommodation and claim benefits? another fear she has is that she would have to move to some god awful area, and move the DC's school. One of her DC's has SN's and is settled at their current school, so a move to a new school would be a much more stressful than it would be an NT child.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/07/2011 12:28

Why not give Women's Aid a ring and ask their advice? You'll be able to go into more detail on the phone to a WA person than you can on the internet.

It is very unlikely that he would get custody of the DC and be able to throw your friend out of the house. You refer to him as her H so I take it they are married, in which case it's likely that he would be made to leave and he would have to support the DC.

nojustificationneeded · 21/07/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NameChangedToHelpToMyFriend · 21/07/2011 12:38

Yes they are married SGB, he would would actually leave at the drop of a hat! he packs a bag almost every week, the DC beg her to make him stay and she does to limit the upset for the children.

Good idea about WA i shall try and get her to call them, am right in thinking the call wont show on the phone bill? if not will call for advice, though there really is no question that she is being mentally abused :(.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedToHelpToMyFriend · 21/07/2011 12:40

Yes some of the children are pre school age.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedToHelpToMyFriend · 21/07/2011 13:57

Just a little bump, if anyone could advice regarding mortgage? would he have to pay anything towards it? could she end up homeless?

OP posts:
fastweb · 21/07/2011 14:11

Just a little bump, if anyone could advice regarding mortgage? would he have to pay anything towards it? could she end up homeless?

Are they married ? Is the house in both their names ? Is the morgage in both names ? Is his name of the kids birth certs ?

She need a lawyer and she needs it now, people make all sorts of threats to keep a partner under their thumb, knowledge, from an expert that knows all her personal circs and details is her biggest shield against this sort of manipulation.

buzzsore · 21/07/2011 14:18

What sometimes happens is the wife and children get to keep the house while the ex would pay into the mortgage, until the youngest is 18, at which point the house would be sold and assets divided or one could buy the other out. Or they could agree to sell up now and divide the money to set up separate homes. It depends what can be threshed out legally. He will be expected to provide for his children, and possibly maintain her for a period of time.

Of course getting the money out of him is not necessarily easy, but the CSA and courts are there to try to enforce it.

What she really needs to do is talk to CAB or get a free half-hour with a solicitor so she can get the facts.

buzzsore · 21/07/2011 14:33

Her best bet is to get legal/financial advice now on the quiet, and next time he threatens to walk out, let him go. 'Course the chances are high he'll just turn right round and walk straight back in again, so she'd be best getting herself a plan for that eventuality as well.

He's doing his children no favours at all, acting like this and throwing these dramas in front of them, and she should think about that aspect of it all. It's sick to manipulate her through the children's pain & distress and shows he doesn't give a shit about any of them.

Original poster
NameChangedToHelpToMyFriend · 21/07/2011 14:34

Yes they are married, they mortgage is in both name, and he is on all the birth certificates.

I just know that whatever she tries to sort of legally he will dig his heels in :(, this is way she continues to let him manipulate, i just hope she can find the strength to do this. She is such a lovely generous person, she does not deserve to be living like this and neither do her children :(.

OP posts:
fastweb · 21/07/2011 14:39

I think i cases like these it is worth a little skullduggery on the part of the abused half of the equation.

What might be her best option is without saying a word she goes to get legal advice and uses this "quiet" time to find the papers and account details her lawyer might find useful.

Perhaps best her husband finds out after she has sorted the practicals, when he is is less able to halt things and make information unobtainable.

If you offer to take her would she go ? She appears to be in a good postion to have certain expectations, but honestly until she takes legal advice, she won't know for sure, how much, for how long and how realistic collection will be.

Original poster
NameChangedToHelpToMyFriend · 21/07/2011 14:43

He would go buzzsore, she is adamant about that!! for what she has said so long as he is the centre of attention he does not care!! he is basically the centre of his own universe basically!, he thinks that his input to their family is just that great that they could never survive without him!! and they so could! she is such a very clever, honest, caring person! her DC all such lovely lovely kids.

Last nights/this mornings events we're over her not washing this dishes!! she had take 3 of the children to the cinema!! :( FFS

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Original poster
NameChangedToHelpToMyFriend · 21/07/2011 14:48

I would take her in, no problem at all!! however like i said in my OP this is a big family, so im not sure how sleeping on floors would help them. Or would it?

I think she needs to stay in the house, and i as her friend need to help give the strength to let the arse hole walk!! but its never that simple is it? :(

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