Help I am not sure if I have done the right thing!

[losingtrust]

My DH of 17 years went to Spain for a 40th birthday in May. I could not go although invited as I lost my Mom in February and did not want to leave the DCs with my Dad who is still struggling to come to terms.

When DH got back he started distancing himself from me and the family. This has gradually been getting worse and he is been working late and doing silly things like not wanting to sit next to me. He is hiding his phone and for the last few weeks has not wanted sex, which is unheard of for someone who previously had such a high libido. It came to a climax last week when he did not get home till 11 two nights on the trot and then encouraged me to go out for a drink locking the door from the inside so that I had to ring the bell to come in. He was on the computer upstairs as the light was on in that room and he had not gone to bed.

I therefore took an unprecedented step of finding his mobile in his jacket pocket after a night out the following night and checked it to find comments from one of his friends asking how he was getting on with Linda and lots of texts from a lady of the same name with one saying 'does your wife know you are talking to me so late'. There was also a booking for a table for two in London this Friday. He said he was going down to meet up with his friends.

I have always had the utmost trust in DH and really respected him. After reading the texts I went out for a bit and came back and asked him why he was being so distant and I told him I thought he had met a new woman and asked him why he was going to London. He got shirty and denied everything and confirmed he was going with his friends and had just been feeling 'down lately'. I said we needed counselling so he could talk to me about these things. Since then his phone has been nowhere to be seen. I did not tell him I had checked his phone but he has been coming back earlier and been more cheerful but still no closer and is still going to London. I found the lady on his facebook friends, he will not have me as a friend and sent her a message today, quite friendly saying I thought I ought to introduce myself as she had been good friends over the last few weeks and sent her a picture of me and our two children. I said 'I want to understand the friendship between you and my DH. By the way she lives in Sweden but was in Spain at the same time as my DH. Basically do you think I have fuelled a fire that needed to start burning?

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. So he's having an affair - or at least an emotional affair and is blaming it all on you. What a coward. You'd wish he'd have the decency to accept responsibility for his own actions.

Do you have a friend near by who you can talk to for some support right now?

losingtrust your DH was not going to admit anything until he actually had to because you'd got him into a corner.

Even, then, he could not be sorry, or admit he was wrong.

He has walked on out his 'high horse' without a thought for you and your children.

I strongly suspect he may change his mind when what he has lost really sinks in. He may still try to blame you for the relationship failing. He may agree that you both need to work on it.

You need to put yourself first for once. Have you got friends/family nearby who will help and support you?

You should see a solicitor as soon as you can to find out where you stand legally and financially if you separate/divorce.

If he comes back thinking you're going to fall into his arms, forgive him, accept that it was just a 'one off', agree to marriage guidance, etc. he will get the shock of his life to find a strong, intelligent woman ready to tell him she's worth more than that.

You ARE worth so much more. Don't dwell on what might have been. Just concentrate on building a life with your children with support from friends, family and professionals.

Keep posting here if it helps.

Thanks all. I am feeling OK although angry as hell. He is a coward. It is easier to find somebody new that try and sort any baggage out which I told him. Fortunately I am fairly financially savvy as it used to be my job and know plenty of lawyers, however so is he. My good friend has been on the phone non-stop today and I told my colleague who is also going through the mill. What an amazing eye opener! I have not contacted him since and will not. It is the DCs that I need to protect now. I will not tell them but sooner or later they will ask the question as to why Daddy has gone. I told them he had gone to London to see friends!

You have got your friends and all of us here to help and support you. There is a ton of information on these boards about separation issues and hundreds of people who know what you are going through with a wealth of advice. They might be able to predict some challenges that you will face, so do lean on them if you want.

All I can say is well done you. You are doing great so far. One step at a time. The anger will help. It might be a good time to seek some personal counselling as to why you have found yourself in relationships with controlling, abusive and/or cheating men. For now, though, just look after yourself and the children. If he doesn't try to contact them himself, he's an even bigger fool.