Had an awful night with DP (sudden aggression/intimidation)

[AFieldOfPaperFlowers]

Been with DP 3 years, lived together for the past year. He's never been aggressive towards me but has shouted during arguments etc (but don't we all) and I noticed he is an aggressive driver but thats not directed at me. Anyway I have noticed he gets a little more aggressive after a drink but as he doesn't drink much it was never really an issue but for the past few months he's gradually started drinking more and more. Last night he came home with a big crate of lagers that he said were on offer. He opened one as soon as he got home and drank it within 10 mniutes and opened another. He offered to me to help myself but I said it was too early for me and I'd join him with a drink later.

About an hour later I went for a shower and by the time I got out he'd drank 6 cans altogether and his mood had totally changed, he didn't speak to me as I entered the living room or even look at me. I sat down next to him and snuggled upto him as usual. He didn't react or put his arm around me or anything. I asked if he fancied watching a movie with me and he said "who's Dave?" so I said "Dave who??" and he snapped "well how many fucking daves are there??" so I sat up and said "do you mean dave from work?" and he said "I dont know, whichever dave keeps texting you". I realised then that he'd been through my phone while I was in the shower and the texts from this dave were all work related apart from one which was regarding a work night out which he'd sent to a few people. I said "He's just someone I work with" so he said "and how often do you see him out of work?" so I said "never" so he shouted in my face "dont fucking lie to me, ive seen the texts". I stood up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk (and to get away from him) and he followed me and put his arms at either side of me so I was between him and the work surface and then said again in my face "how often do you see him out of work". I tried to gently move his arm away so I could leave but he wouldn't move and so I said "look, if you just talk to me properly instead of shouting I'll go through it all with you" so he shouted that I couldn't even look him in the eye and so I said that was because he was intimidating me and I wanted to leave the kitchen. He eventually moved but refused to speak to me for the rest of the night whilst repeating "don't think you've got away with it" etc.

I dont know how to deal with this. we've hardly spoken today but that is a side to him I've not seen before and I dont like it

[BadTasteFlump]

Ha! You nearly had me there mums

[pictish]

that's

you're

[mumsamilitant]

isnt it funny that this thread has turned into one person being abused by people who profess to abhore abuse?

[pictish]

abhor

[mumsamilitant]

intimidation now huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mumsamilitant]

lol... now now girls, if we are going to act like the grammar police i would like to also point out that capital letters come after a full stop. Oh, and these days its not really imperative to put apostrophies in between shortened words.

[TDada]

Violence, threat of violence, intimidation, threat of any physical nature....ALL UNACCEPTABLE .......but scanning the thread I didn't see enough info to suggest that the relationship is completely without hope....clearly a risk though

[bigwombat]

To go back to OP, you sound pretty dominated by your partner, especially in the latest assessment of how you over-reacted. Even just reading your OP brought back old feelings of fear (ex-h 'did' DV for many years). I guess not every man who behaves like this proceeds on to actual physical violence, but some do. You need to make it clear you can't live with behaviour like that - don't just let it go or he'll know he can get away with it again next time. Have you sorted out his jealousy with Dave or is that just left hanging too?

[TDada]

Agree wombat...sent a clear boundary and one strike and he is out...if you decide not to bin him now

[AnyF]

Yeah, that person with the sweary nickname really brings down the site !!!!!!!!!

Typical, just typical

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Buzzsore, you put it perfectly. I might print out your post and stick it to my mothers forehead. Although she'd probably just rearrange her fringe over it.

[TDada]

AF
I always admire your honesty and sincerity and think many other do...so not at all. I just didn't see enough evidence to be conclusive ..but then again I only say a couple of posts from the OP.

[TDada]

...I only saw a couple of posts from OP

[TDada]

OP .....what is driving your DP insecurity? Hard thing to cure in most men.

[TDada]

AF ....... You are one of my favorite people even when we disagree.

[AnyFucker]

aww, TD, agreeing/disageeing is what makes the world go around, yeah ?

the thing is, on a thread like this, pointing out the worst case scenario is not such a bad thing to do

having warnings about what might happen, from people who have actually experienced it, is good, IMO

it doesn't mean OP has to immediately react and dump her partner, but it will certainly arm her against a pattern emerging in the future

if that pattern never materialises, all to the good

but burying your head in the sand is the very worst thing you could do, in this scenario

being aware of how abusive relationships start would have helped a shit load of women not to get in too deep in the first place...

[AnyFucker]

ah, TD, I was reacting to mumsamilitant rather hysterical over-reaction

FWIW, I like your gentle way of seeing another side to a story

[TDada]

AF - i agree that many women have too high a tolerance of abuse so important to point out (high) risk.

[mumsamilitant]

OP... Im sure that these women on this thread do good work. Not sure it was so necessary to go at it like a pack of wolves in this case.... and i do apologise for us all getting a bit ridiculous. As stated previously just take what has happened on board. Take care sweetheart x