Had an awful night with DP (sudden aggression/intimidation)

[AFieldOfPaperFlowers]

Been with DP 3 years, lived together for the past year. He's never been aggressive towards me but has shouted during arguments etc (but don't we all) and I noticed he is an aggressive driver but thats not directed at me. Anyway I have noticed he gets a little more aggressive after a drink but as he doesn't drink much it was never really an issue but for the past few months he's gradually started drinking more and more. Last night he came home with a big crate of lagers that he said were on offer. He opened one as soon as he got home and drank it within 10 mniutes and opened another. He offered to me to help myself but I said it was too early for me and I'd join him with a drink later.

About an hour later I went for a shower and by the time I got out he'd drank 6 cans altogether and his mood had totally changed, he didn't speak to me as I entered the living room or even look at me. I sat down next to him and snuggled upto him as usual. He didn't react or put his arm around me or anything. I asked if he fancied watching a movie with me and he said "who's Dave?" so I said "Dave who??" and he snapped "well how many fucking daves are there??" so I sat up and said "do you mean dave from work?" and he said "I dont know, whichever dave keeps texting you". I realised then that he'd been through my phone while I was in the shower and the texts from this dave were all work related apart from one which was regarding a work night out which he'd sent to a few people. I said "He's just someone I work with" so he said "and how often do you see him out of work?" so I said "never" so he shouted in my face "dont fucking lie to me, ive seen the texts". I stood up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk (and to get away from him) and he followed me and put his arms at either side of me so I was between him and the work surface and then said again in my face "how often do you see him out of work". I tried to gently move his arm away so I could leave but he wouldn't move and so I said "look, if you just talk to me properly instead of shouting I'll go through it all with you" so he shouted that I couldn't even look him in the eye and so I said that was because he was intimidating me and I wanted to leave the kitchen. He eventually moved but refused to speak to me for the rest of the night whilst repeating "don't think you've got away with it" etc.

I dont know how to deal with this. we've hardly spoken today but that is a side to him I've not seen before and I dont like it

[LaCidrai]

I'm only going from what I have heard. Do a google search. I think recently the alcoholic volume has been lowered though. Oh and no need to get arsey with me, it was only a question out of interest to the OP, not to you! I too have had it in the past with no violent side effects. I know if DP drinks London Pride he gets a bit lairy and will become a bit hostiley if rubbed up the wrong way, not like the OP's husband but different to the way he normally is when he drinks.

[LaCidrai]

ffs hostile not hostiley!

[AnyFucker]

"hostiley" ?

what do you say to him when he has been like that ?

"please be nicey to me" ?

LaC, if you are living with domestic abuse, or the fear of it, please get help

you do not have to tolerate it

[AnyFucker]

ok, I will accept a typo

but my point remains

your bloke is being hostile to you

why are you trying to excuse it by making finer points about the make of alcohol he drinks, that appears to give him the green light to be horrible to the person he is supposed to love ?

that is madness

and a text book example of denial

I hope you are ok, living with a person who uses the excuse of drink to abuse his/her partner is one of the worst hells I can imagine

[noddyholder]

Alcohol can't make you jealous though it can only make a jealous person drunk

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

actually, this is NOT the main point of the thread, far from it I know... but I can totally endorse LaCidrai's comment about Stella.

I have known two landlords well - used to have two pubs as locals - one here on the Welsh Borders, and one in Reading - and both of them would say that regulars would come in and ask 'for a pint of wifebeater'.

Of COURSE it's a blanket term, such things often are, but seriously - it has SUCH a bloody high ABV that it really can tip some drinkers over.

Maybe irrelevant, but I did want to point it out.

ANyway. Where has the OP gone? What a worrying post!

[GotTheHump]

so, if a wife came on here, said she suspected her husband of cheating because she had found text messages from a work colleague by going through his phone (like lots on here do), said she had screamed and shouted and thrown things at her husband, then felt ashamed and didnt know what to say to him next morning, what would your advice be? You would be telling her she was a controlling, dreadful woman who deserved to be dumped?

cos i can 100% be sure that at least half of you would blame the poor husband and tell her to leave the adulterous bastard (even though he was completely innocent)

have a word with yourselves and stop playing amateur psychologists quite so regularly

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Actually I would tell anyone who behaved like that to sort themselves out and that they deserved to be dumped. A partner's infidelity is NOT justification for assaulting the partner, destroying his/her property or any other acts of vengeance. It's OK to be hurt and indeed angry, but violence is inexcusable.

And a partner who throws a tantrum over imagined infidelity is a loser who deserves to be dumped on the spot. Jealous people, those who are so jealous that they get aggressive over nothing, are failed human beings who make shitty partners.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

I really wonder, change and militant and hump, why you are so put out by the advice given by women who have been through what the OP describes, and who intimately know and recognise the signs of an abusive relationship.

Is it because it destroys your preferred fantasy world where 1 in 4 women isn't a victim of domestic violence at some point in her life?

[Sorelip]

OP, can I just say, I know a man like this. He has intimidated, threatened and verbally abused his wife for over 25 years. He has accused her of affairs, of sleeping around, of being a lesbian, and so on. He usually does this when drunk. He is drunk often. After an 'episode' he apologises, and although she doesn't accept the apology, she doesn't make him leave.

Those people are my mum and dad. So, see, it never gets better. And no, it may not be violent, but that only allows my mum to brush it under the carpet. Yet again.

[Piggles]

This brings back memories for me. My XP would behave in a very similar manner - getting himself worked up and shouting in my face over nothing or over something he had misunderstood. There was never any hope of reasoning with him or explaining myself, he was too far into the red mist to give a shit... and maybe was doing it simply so he could enjoy frightening me anyway.

He never physically injured me, but the shouting, crowding, jostling and throwing things was every bit as dread-inspiring and just as capable of intimidating me.

It was never his fault if he'd lost his temper - He'd always had too much to drink and I'd always driven him to it, and he was so jealous of any other man who spoke to me because he loved me so much

I bet that your 'D'P won't admit it was his fault and his responsibility that he got so nastily aggressively angry with you and will try to put all the blame on Dave and you for giving him something to be angry about.

Unless you and Dave have been signing hugs and kisses on the ends of flirty sounding texts I don't see how he can have possibly misconstrued them as anything other than work-related anyway.

So either he is very insecure, jealous and can find infidelity in anything (have fun with reassuring him all the time and expect to find yourself only 'allowed' to speak to women) Or he is a twat with some serious anger management issues... so... run?

I don't think blame can ever be placed completely with alcohol (or if someone really believes they abruptly have a complete personality shift and become an angry monster on it then they should do the responsible thing and not drink at all) I personally believe that drunkeness reveals the real uninhibited person and someone who is a mean drunk is probably a mean person - they just hide it better when they are sober.

Best of luck to you with resolving the situation. Remember that no matter what he says it was not your fault.

[kingbeat23]

Actually, if a woman came on here and told she sat and got drunk, went through her DPs phone and then intimidated him to the point of making him feel scared, I would tell her to leave the relationship as she obviously didn't trust him and then go and sort out her alcohol and anger issues before getting into another relationship.

This is about people not it being a fe/male issue. If a person feels intimidated in thier own home by the person who is meant to love them, then issues are obviously there that need addressing before it gets out of hand.

[AnyFucker]

why do people keep barging into threads and trying to "reverse gender" ??

this appears to be a new MN phenomena, and it mightily tedious

this is a site predominantly used by women (although of course men are welcome)

fucking get over it

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Actually, even if the OP had been sucking Dave's dick on a regular basis, it still wouldn't justify the abuse. Irrespective of gender, as well.

[AnyFucker]

"Sucking Dave's Dick" is like when of those LivingTV programmes, innit ?

[AnyFucker]

like one

[AnyFucker]

or a whimsical movie, like "Driving Miss Daisy"

perhaps "Driving" has another connotation for ol' Daisy

[AnyFucker]

ooo topical

[LaCidrai]

AF just saying how he reacts on certain beer, that's all. Fwiw he gets told to fuck off if he goes like it, which is rare.

[AnyFucker]

but he still continues to drink that certain beer even though you have expressed your distaste at the way he tries to treat you when he's been drinking it...

there are other beers

and other men incidentally

[pictish]

It's not the beer that makes him behave that way. He chooses to.