Help! I need to start liking my mum again before she arrives for Christmas.

[spidermama]

When I was ill recently I got really desperate. I have no family nearby and my friends all have children of their own. Whilst they were happy to help me with school runs I didn't feel able to ask for anything else.

I felt terrible with a high temperature. DH helped out as much as he could for the first week then he had to go away. I really thought I'd be better by then but it continued and got worse and worse.

I asked my mum to come and help and she ummed and ahhed and decided she didn't want to because her dog sometimes won't eat his dinner when he's at my house.

I got more and more ill. Every night I was sweating so much you could ring wetness out of my clothes. I also smelled really strongly every morning. My temperature got higher (40+ every night) and I had to just keep going, looking after four kids, cooking, cleaning, breastfeeding night and day, laundry, school runs ... On my own.

I became really desperate. I remember one evening having put the kids to bed collapsing on the sofa, going in and out of sleep/conciousness, and seeing my ds1 (5) standing over me looking worried. I had no idea what time it was or why he was up.

Again the following day I begged my mum to come and help. She said she had pilates and the car was booked in for some kind of check so she couldn't come.

Finally an two old friends came to visit by chance on the same day. I was literally shivering on the sofa so one called the doctor. He came, examined me and called an ambulance. I was in hospital for four days and nights and I've never been so ill in my whole life. They couldn't believe that I'd carried on with a temperature so high. (I had pnuemonia).

Then my mum came. It was too late. DH arrived home shortly after her and I had two friends doing a very fine job of looking after the kids. She didn't help either.

I wondered if she felt at all guilty because she agreed to come and help out a fortnight later because dh was working away. This was great because I wanted to get to the MN meet up. Once again though she let me down and decided not to come. She had a tummy bug on Tuesday, was better by Thursday, but still wouldn't come.

She has always been selfish but now I'm finding it hard to like her. When she does come here she spends her time sitting down so as not to disturb her dog. The kids irritate her, she never cooks, won't do school runs because she doesn't like the other mums in the playground, doesn't wash up. She does sit and talk to me all day long when I'm trying to work. She talks over the kids and it's always about TV programmes she has seen or horrible car crashes which have happened near her.

I invited her for Christmas because she's on her own, but she's so negative, selfish and unchristmassy that I already have building hurt and resentment.

If you made it to the end of this, thanks.
Any coping tips?

My mum is a bit like this but I have decided to just ignore her for ds's sake Really having fun and enjoting yourself in front of people like that is the best way

Can you plan lots of social gatherings? Preferably in other people's houses! Maybe having other people to you for drinks and a mince pie will either dilute your mother's presense or make her feel superfluous and prompt her to go home early.

I have an opposite problem: I don't think my mother wants us going to her this year.

Email me and moan your heart away, sweetpea! I too have a mother I don't actually like much, so know how you feel!

Sent you a message earlier-you know where I am!

Other than that, give her some magic mushies in her Crimbo cake and feed her sherry all day,the old bag!

I read this and it really struck a chord with me. Spidermama, I really feel for you, my mum is just the same (like you there has been a series of events where she just hasn't helped me at all, but she feels no guilt), personally, I choose not to say anything to her as it isn't worth the trouble - she would either be oblivious to the problem or turn it back on me - instead I just tolerate her now. It's sad as she used to be the person I most admired in the world. But my children adore her and for that reason I will have her at my house for Christmas and not say a word and then let her bugger off to back to her world.

pollyanna I could have written that word for word Have a great xmas and sod her

Obviously I'm not the only one then. Most of my friends have fab, helpful mums who live nearby and are happy taking the kids out for trips and doing school runs.

I've always told my mum she can come and live with me in her old age and I'll look after her. I'm really regretting that now. I could end up being so bitter. As soon as the kids are able to look after themselves I'll have her to deal with.

I'm another one who doesn't like their mother.

Mine lived one mile away from me at one point when I was living in a tiny one bed flat having such a stressful time about moving house and almost being bankrupted in the process. On top of this I was at the early feeling like crap stage of pregnancy and did she once offer to looks after DD even for an hour to allow me some sleep etc erm no! She knows I have bad SPD but would never offer to come up and help out.

She has visited me once since we moved (we're about an hour away now) she moaned about having to smoke outside, then her and her DP dragged mud through the house but didn't offer to clean it or take their shoes off then split sugar over the kitchen floor which is fine but said "I spilt some sugar" and left me (7 months pregnant) to clean it!! Oh I could go on and on.

Put up with her for a few hours then enjoy your Christmas with your lovely children!

Spidermama, I really feel for you and understand exactly how you feel. I had plerusy (sp) and could have written what you have word for word. Still quite about the fact I was nearly dying, or so it felt, and noone gave a shit and off I missoned getting kids to school/nursery like I was fine.
I wasnt. My lungs are still knackered now.
Anyway, my mum has a habit of moaning how selfish and self centred other people are and so recently, when shes finished ranting about them I dont say a word...and her words echoe back to her and she slowly realises...Hey Ho...she does that..it sounds like her.
It does make her think. Of course she needs to be saying the same about other people for that to work.

Have no advice actually, not really.
My mum invited us to hers for Xmas...sounds good. But its only because she doesnt want to be in the company of my scizophrenic brother for hours by herself. She wants us all to sacrafice our christmas so she doesnt have to endure hours of him herself.....

Sigh...no advice. Just lots of sympathy.

Bloody hell, I'd be pissed off too re the not coming when you were ill thing. It sounds as if you were heroic and she was/is incredibly selfish. Does she have to come? If you gave her a get out clause would she take it? If not, hmm, coping strategies: arrange a lot of things you like doing and hope she doesn't come (seeing friends, walks, outings). OR could you develop a dog allergy so she doesn't come?

Funny you should say that HRH. I have a dog allergy. Genuinely. It causes me asthma, which is pretty undesirable after a bad bout of pnuemonia.

She knows this but says she has no-one to leave the dog with and won't leave him in kennels. I sort of understand this as he is, effectively, her significant other as she lives with him.

She has always inflicted her ill-mannered, smelly, untrained dogs on me and my asthmatic brother. That's a whole 'nother can of worms.

Charlie I had pluerosy (sp) too. I seem to have dodgy lungs. They never seem to quite recover.

Sweetkitty,as she lives 2.5 hours drive away she'll be coming for 3-4 days around Christmas day so I'll have to endure her for much longer than a few hours, sadly.

I feel a bit out of step because I do get on with my mother, but what your mother did (and failed to do) is absolutely appalling. I'm really sorry.

I'd love to have a heart to heart with her but I can't even tell her how I feel because she believes in never ever talking about anything to do with emotions. If anyone tries she acts mortally wounded and sulks for months. I wouldn't mind, but I then have terrible guilt because she lives alone.

really dont know what to say to make the situation better but dont feel bad that she's on her own from what you've described its hardly suprising (lets be honest) i think she should have helped you out theres no doubt about that so if anyone should feel bad it should be her, and i would have made damn sure she knew how i felt even if she did sulk for months - her dog and the car being fixed is NOT in a million years more important than family and if she thinks it is then she deserves to be on her own at christmas (sorry but that is my personal view) i think you are being lovely inviting her over, when she does come you should make her help you with the cooking, cleaning up and the kids, after what you've been through you cant be expected to wait on her hand and foot. good luck hun

Aw! thanks LMG. I really appreciate that.

Spidermama,

You have my sympathies.

Mis parentes are unsupportive most certainly (I have also been left to get on with it whilst unwell but not as ill as you were) but your Mum takes the unsupportiveness to a new level.

Hard as it is for you to do I would not actually feel at all guilty for your Mum (I think she is quite happy as she is living on her own). Guilt is a useless emotion.

Her sulking behaviour to my mind is actually a form of control, it is controlling behaviour.

I would also suggest you read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward as she writes about controlling behaviours at some length.

one thing i forgot to ask, where was your dh when you were ill? as the children are also his responsibility i would have expected him to stay at home when you were that ill, though i still think your mum should have helped you out, its not as if she was the other side of the world!

Mis parentes live 20 minutes away but for all the support they offer they might as well live 20 hours away. Come to think of it that might not be a bad idea.

I have two tixs for my son's Christmas play at the school - everyone else seemingly goes with a rellie but me Meekats no rellies!. I should be used to it by now as I've attended such things on my own these past two years but I still feel a bit sad sometimes. MIL is currently incapacitated (has broken femur) and cannot walk very far and my Mum does not want to enter the school hall to watch the performance in case she catches something germ like!!. Sad or what eh!.

Yes Meerkatsunite. My mum often says the reason she doesn't want to visit or do school runs is in case she catches something from the kids.

Lovemygirls, my DH had some work booked in Portugal. He's freelance so has to take work when it comes up. To be fair, neither of us knew how ill I was about to become when he left the country.

Oh ffs. I wouldn't normally suggest this, but your mother sounds bloody awful and I simply wouldn't invite her for Christmas.

I'd say that since I've had pneumonia and the asthma, the doctor has categorically forbidden me to have a dog in the house, as it could kill me.

And f((k off to her if she prioritises her dog over you.

Ooh, YES, that's a good one Caligula, blaming the dr. Spidermama, I'm coming round to the pov of whoever it was who said she deserves to be alone. She does sound stunningly selfish.

I'd say you don't have to like her. just tolerate her while she's visiting and then do something nice to relax celebrate when she's gone home.

my parents are currently a bit upset that none of their children invited them for christmas or plan to visit them. we just can't stand it, and nor can our partners.

Honestly Spider, this has made me so cross.

I work with elderly people who are abandoned by their families, and most of them are isolated and alone for no real reason apart from social mobility leading to diaspora's of families, immobility of the old person, sheer old age (if you're 95, most of the friends you had are dead) and the thoughtlessness and selfishness of younger people.

But there is a tiny tiny tiny percentage who are alone because they have been utterly unbearable throughout their lives, and have behaved so badly to their relatives that they're reaping what they've sown.

I simply can't imagine prioritising a "significant other" over the health and welfare of my children, even if the significant other were the most gorgeous and wonderful man you've ever seen. And if it were a dog... sheesh.

I have oodles of sympathy/empathy for you SM.

My mum is similarly keen to avoid helping with the children and has an awful dog, which she cannot bear to leave in kennels and so has to bring along to annoy the hell out of everyone here.

My mum probably wouldn't have left me desperately ill with pnuemonia though - I do think this was pretty appalling.

But I find it incredibly difficult to be nice to her, because her inability to listen to anyone else and her inability to pick up on any signals about when people are bored or upset by what she is saying, drive me bonkers, along with her extremely boring topics of conversation - mostly revolving around her dog.

Sorry, I realise that I didn't offer anything helpful, just took the opportunity to rant about my own mother .

I think you could well use the being allergic to the dog and having had such serious health problems, etc. excuse.

The problem is obviously the guilt. Even when my mum has been bang out of order, I end up feeling soo guilty if I get cross, because she always has to go home to live on her own and does the sulking thing too.

That book someone suggested might be a good start...