Horrible Mess

[VioletIndigo]

Regular mner here. Name changed for this. Reasons will become very clear. This will be a stealth reveal, not because i've something to hide but because it's so horrid and complicated, I can't bring myself to write it all at once.

Bottom line is, my parents live with us. Mum had been nanny to the two dcs but we moved abroad, partly to escape her to be honest. Mum and dad lived in our house while we were away. For free. Now we're back, with extra dcs, and they're still here as they think we need them. I am desperate for them to go but money is an issue - they are pensioners and "can't" live on their pensions. They would have about £1000 after utility bills and rent were paid. Mum wants to nanny for us again and is currently helping with the kids but when I go back to work, I don't want her looking after the kids. Why? Because I think she has at least borderline HPD/NPD. She's a total bitch to my dad (who has a history of depression). So, what i'm looking for from this thread is help in identifying whether i'm right in that belief and how I can extricate our family from this awful situation with the least damage to everyone. Does anyone have a hpd mother? Help?!

So you feel bad because they moved to be near you so that your mum could be your nanny?

Did you force this or did your mum insist rather than you employ someone else?

Didn't force it. Asked her if she wanted to do it after she "joked" about wanting to do it.. We talked it over for a quite a while. There were plenty of other childcare options for us that we were happy to have. She was unhappy in her old job and jumped at the chance. No forcing about it. But that's not what she'd say now.

And thank you to all of you who are responding. It's helpful to see what you really already know down in black and white. Makes me take proper stock instead of bumbling along trying to make the best of it.

I can see why you are feeling obliged to them.

But lots of people move for work!

Sounds like they - she - is very good at making you feel obliged when actually all I see is clear benefit for them, all the way.

Nothing like a bit of good old huffing and puffing about how much you do and how much you are needed and how you never signed up for this to cover the fact that you are actually the one benefiting!

Your mother won't see it that way, however, as you know only too well.

You made an arrangement that could have ceased when you moved abroad (so she never did have to look after 3 dc) but instead they've lived rent-free.

I don't think there's any doubt about it, your mother isn't thinking about your laundry, she's thinking of her impending rent bill!!

They are freeloading, which is bad enough, but the attitude - to try and twist it all around so that they are the ones giving and you are the ones making issues and problems - it's genius, really.

'You have lived here rent-free long after the childminding arrangement came to an end. We want to live as a nuclear family. You need to move out.'

'But it's MY laundry, not yours. You didn't do our laundry when we lived abroad and we don't need you to do it now. It's not your concern. Helping when help isn't wanted isn't help, it's interfering. We want you to move out of our house.'

Repeat ad nauseum. Do you think it would help to set a date for them to move out?

I don't know how big your house is, but as your children grow older they will need every ounce of space you have, and believe me I know this only too well!

Also if your parents continue to live with you as they become older you could end up being their live in carer, and at that stage it would be very difficult to find them alternative accomodation.

Just go to a few agents and get some details of rental properties and present them to them with "I thought I would get these for you, see if there are any suitable for you" Keep doing it and don't listen to any protests, always firmly maintain that them living in your house was always only going to be a temporary measure, until you came back.

Explain your family is growing and you will need every ounce of your OWN space.

If your parents have lived in tied housing in the past, it's maybe the norm in their minds to trade work for accommodation? Maybe they see renting as an unnecessary inconvenience? I like the idea that you insist that they move out, and you use their occasional help (gardening, some cleaning or ironing etc) as a reason to give them some extra money each month if they really can't live on £1000 pm (I find that hard to believe, but obv depends on location and fixed outgoings).
In any case, the sooner you have the conversation with them, the better for you all. Good luck, I really feel for you.