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Relationships

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Original poster

Is everyone's sex life like this?

44 replies

itsnotfridaynightbut · 17/07/2011 10:19

Okay- bear with me. Name changed.

After years and years with DP I have begun to find his techniques a turn off. We had a quickie this morning and it was just plain...boring.

I am very embarrassed to admit this but the big O with DP has never happened. There, said it. I get so far, and he gets so turned on- he almost comes with the excitement of me getting excited- and I mean when he's not even inside me- that I hold back and go off the boil. His over-excitement puts me under pressure, if that makes sense?

He's also a quiet sort of bloke and that makes me a bit repressed. So I hold back.

But lately our repetoire seems to have become even more limited. Quick feel and kiss of the boobs, play down below ( for as long as I want, I have to say) , and then he's ready for it. And I am not.

He rarely goes down on me as he has this idea I don't like it. I do, but because he hardly does it, I think he doesn't like it- even though he says he does. So I won't ask him to as I feel he isn't keen. So it's become a bit of an elephant in the room.

I really don't know if we are simply not "right" for each other, if the chemistry is not there, or what. I feel very detached all the time, as if it's happening to someone else.

Anyone?

OP posts:

SimplySerene · 17/07/2011 10:58

How does he feel about that?

Original poster

itsnotfridaynightbut · 17/07/2011 11:01

what's coming over is everyone is telling me it's my responsibility to tell him what I want. I can see that to a point BUT is it not equally his responsibility to ask what I like or want him to do? In his mind it is as if I have 2 erogenous zones only .

I am not completely passive- I do things to him which he likes but he doesn't do them back! I'll rub his back or kiss his ears which drives him wild- I'll go down on him but he won't say "Do you want me to do that to you?" he just thinks it's nice for him then he'll think it's time to climb on.........

OP posts:

Original poster

itsnotfridaynightbut · 17/07/2011 11:02

ss- well obviously he isn't happy and is constantly trying to please me to reach it. But see post above- complete lack of imagination.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2011 11:05

Sorry if TMI but it sounds like in your foreplay, you are not doing anything to him (hand job, blow job, general caressing) .... is that right?

Because first, it could really turn you on, giving him pleasure. And second, you could kind of set the tone by taking the lead yourself for a little bit -- be a bit full-on toward him and maybe he will reciprocate in the way you like?

AKissIsNotAContract · 17/07/2011 11:06

So presumably you orgasm through masturbation? Perhaps you can suggest he watches you masturbate so he knows how you like to be touched.

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2011 11:06

oh sorry x-post

Original poster

itsnotfridaynightbut · 17/07/2011 11:10

I am doing everything you mention in foreplay for him. Lots!

I masturbate with a vibrator. There is no way I could do it with him watching. I read something last week in a paper and it described how the ultimate thing for this woman to do was masturbate in front of her DP- and she considered herself quite liberated. It was a really big step.

He'll do it to himself in front of me which is a turn on to an extent .

I do have problems reaching orgasm anyway- always have done- and need lots of stimulation.

OP posts:

MuthaHubbard · 17/07/2011 11:15

why not get him to use the vibe on you as part of play?

BertieBotts · 17/07/2011 11:17

It just sounds like he's got stuck in a rut of this works, so I'll keep doing it.

I'd imagine that if you've been together for years, and he isn't in the habit of experimenting or asking what you would like, it probably wouldn't occur to him to suddenly ask. Perhaps he thinks he should know by now what you like, so he doesn't want to ask in case you are annoyed by it? And if it works for him, it probably hasn't occurred to him that you might want different things.

I think you do need to take the lead and ask for something different - either directly (do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up?) or more subtly by getting one of those sex games, or a set of sex dice, or even downloading a sex dice app for your phone, or find a website with tips/ideas, or even buy a copy of cosmo or something. Or you could say "I had a naughty dream last night. We did XYZ, and actually I found it really hot". Or you could text him while he's at work spelling out everything you want him to do to you. Give him some time to think it over - Just anything to start off the discussion!

BertieBotts · 17/07/2011 11:18

You should get drunk and then suggest he uses the vibrator on you. You'll feel all jumpy about it at first and not be able to relax. Make him sit on you so you can't move.

AKissIsNotAContract · 17/07/2011 11:22

I've spoken to a few of my friends about vibrators and some of us have found their use to be a hindrance to achieving orgasm without one. They seem to give a certain type of 'mechanical' orgasm which other types of stimulation just can't achieve, and once your body gets used to that it becomes harder to reach orgasm in other ways. Maybe try not using it for a month or so, getting more in tune with how you like to touch your body without it. If you know your body really well it will be easier to communicate your needs to your DP.

SimplySerene · 17/07/2011 11:28

"well obviously he isn't happy and is constantly trying to please me to reach it"

Why "obviously"? Does he believe you not having an orgasm during sex is a problem? Does he know whether you enjoy sex irrespective of a climax? I suggest you take responsibility for your own orgasms and absolve him of the pressure to "give them to you".
If he subscribes to traditional views of male identity he may feel inadequate and stressed during sex and like it is just a chore for him. Which might explain his lack of creativity and enthusiasm to explore.

Masturbating with your vibrator while he is massaging your back and kissing your ears is an excellent idea. Then you can give the vibrator to him and have him experiment.

It sounds to me as if you need to develop a different way to guide each other during sex. How do you let each other know at the moment what turns you on?

What about telling him: DP could you connect more often with me during (after? before?) sex and ask for suggestions on what to do, to make me feel cherished and less inhibited about guiding you?

I would still recommend the direct route. "Barking orders" can be a turn-on and may be a huge relief for your man as he no longer has to "grope in the dark". What is wrong with: "I want you to lick me." "Harder, more to the left, do not stop" "I need you to kiss my ..." or even "Take me. Hard."
Any men out there? Would a woman whispering that into your ear feel like "barking orders"?

The beauty of it is that you get exactly what you want and with time, you will need to do it less as your DP learns what gets you going.

Malificence · 17/07/2011 11:41

You are ultimately responsible for your own orgasms, not your partner.

Expecting him to do exactly what you like and bring you to orgasm, without actually tellng him what works for you is ridiculous and simply not fair on him.
Nothing puts an orgasm out of reach than actively trying to have one, you've got it into your head that an orgasm is the whole point of sex when it isn't at all.
It seems like you've both fallen into a rut and need to change the way you have sex to make it interesting again.
If he's trigger happy then you aren't having enough sex, to put it bluntly.

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 11:42

I think, like the others, you need to have an open talk about it, (sorry, I gather that's not what you want to hear). You have to address this, not wait for him to have an epiphany.

And I think either start including the vibrator in your sex-life together or dump it for a while and train yourself to orgasm without it - PIV can't give the same sort of stimulation. It's like sometimes guys have trouble orgasming during sex (especially if they're inexperienced) cos they're so used to their own handhold .

I suggest you have a debauched conversation after a couple of drinks (although I think it's harder to orgasm with booze taken) and break out of your rut.

MuthaHubbard · 17/07/2011 11:46

he's probably thinking 'must be doing something right - she's never said otherwise' and sadly it is more your responsibility to say what you want rather than for him to guess - you wouldn't go to a cafe and get them to guess your order just because you go in there once a week. how did you know the thing re his ears - did he tell you he liked it when you did it?

as solidgold said - maybe buy a game, or shop for a toy together? maybe concentrate on touch and massage for a couple of sessions rather than orgasm?

eslteacher · 17/07/2011 12:59

what's coming over is everyone is telling me it's my responsibility to tell him what I want. I can see that to a point BUT is it not equally his responsibility to ask what I like or want him to do?

I do agree that if he is aware you are never orgasming, really he should be asking you what you want and what he could be doing differently to please you. But for whatever reason, he isn't. I imagine he's convinced himself that you are OK with never coming, or he's just too embarassed to bring the subject up or whatever. So like it or not, I think you are going to have to be the one to bring about a change here, else things are just going to continue the way they are.

If you're finding it difficult to bring the subject up with him, maybe you could find some kind of Cosmpolitan (or similar) article about spicing things up in the bedroom or the importance of asking for what you want - I'm sure if you look through all the women's mags on the stands this month you'll find something suitable. Then find a subtle-but-opportune moment to be reading your magazine when he plunks himself down on the sofa, and show him the article as a kind of segue into having a conversation about your own sex life. You've said your DP is a bit embarassed to talk about sex stuff, so finding a way to gradually introduce the subject neutrally like this might be more successful than bluntly opening a conversation out of the blue where he's (rightly or wrongly) going to feel blamed for never having pleased you all this time.

ilovedora27 · 17/07/2011 13:30

Do different things like 69 then you both get oral at same time or you on top and play with your vibrator do it facing his feet if you feel shy. I think its easy to say what you want without barking orders. Just say I love it when you do this or that or just touch me gentle or something along this lines in can be as explicit as you like cause thats always a turn on. Sounds to me like you are both really shy so if you make the first moves and take the lead in bed I am sure he will follow.

ilovedora27 · 17/07/2011 13:41

Also reading back over the thread it seems you ae pyschologically holding back. It really isnt a big deal using a vibe or masturbating in front of a man. I think you are worried to 'let go' as such which is also causing the problems. Relax, think of dirty fantasies to help you focus if you want, get lost in the moment.

M0naLisa · 17/07/2011 14:02

talk to him. Explain how you feel, what you want to change,

I am quite lucky to have a DH who has had many few partners before me. So he has loads of experience, positions, etc etc and he is good with his tongue
I am too shy for DH and i think he think he wishes i was more dirty in bed. i've no confidence, unlike my DH.

Talk to him, me and DH have spoken about what we live, dont like etc etc.

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