Ouch, a bit too honest?

[wileycoyote]

I am a single parent of two boys - aged 4 and 6, one of whom is undergoing assessment for ASD. I also have an abusive ex-husband, who still attempts to control me by being an awkward pain in the arse despite the fact we have been apart 2 and a half years and we are nearly divorced.

Thing is, I was talking with a guy I have been seeing for about 6 months last night over dinner and he said he didn't have any doubts about wanting to be with me, but he did about everything that being with me entailed. He said he had never envisaged having four children, two of whom he wasn't the father of (he has two from his marriage who are the same age as mine) and wasn't sure how it would all work...

Should I be horribly offended? I really have fallen in love with this man and I do feel a bit upset that he wasn't just going to embrace it all without hesitation - but on the other hand it is a big ask I suppose and I want the kind of relationship that entails honesty.

He does have children but presumably he is not the prime or sole carer? That make a difference.

It's an enormous task taking on someone else's children, and more so if they have learning difficulties such as ASD.

There are ways round this- I know a woman who has been with a guy for years but they each kept their own homes as she didn't want to upset her own kids by having him move in, and he wasn't ready to play step dad. Now her youngest is about to leave home for uni and they are looking to buy a joint home.

it's a very personal decision. The friend I knew who ditched her man did so because he had said unkind things about her son which got back to her. He didn't have kids of his own and liked life all neat and tidy- in every way.

I think you have to try and see it from his point of view BUT perhaps he needs to be more self aware now and decide if he wants to date women with children, or not.

I'm a single parent with one DS of 13. My DP of 2 years has 3 kids who live with mum. To be honest I couldnt see me living with any of his. I love my son dearly but I wouldn't want to take anyone elses on.

His youngest (same age as my DS) stays a couple of weekends a month with DP at mine and thats enough!!!! lol, they are both boys but are SOOOO diffferent. I also wouldnt let anyone stick their oar in where my son is concerned. To be honest I wouldnt even dream of living with DP until kids are grown up, its far too complicated! Luckily DP agrees with this and we will continue separately for the next few years. Far less drama all round.

You have only been together 6 months, which is no time at all. Take it easy! Stop the heavy discussions and enjoy your time together. Things will take their course.

Thanks aurynne, amelia and militant.

No, he is not the sole carer of his kids and infact probably does prefer living alone as he likes his own space - it isn't just about me. I'm fortunate to have a relatively well paid and enjoyable career, my own home (well - it belongs to the bank) and a lot of family support, so I am not in need of anyone as far as that is concerned.

If anything I suppose it is the committment aspect that concerns me, as I do feel I need that, regardless of sharing a space or not. I don't want to be with anyone less than whole hearted about me, but maybe I also have to accept that the situation is less than straightforward when there are children, previous spouses etc in the picture and that maybe the perfect man doesn't exist! I'm sometimes unsure as to when compromise is reasonable or when my expectations are unreasonable because of my previous history.

I think I just need to see how it develops and how we both feel as things progress. He is great in so many ways - professionally, intellectually, physically, in respect of humour, sense of fun, interests, music taste etc we are a great match.

My (now) DH said this; I have 2 DC from a previous relationship and we now have 1 together. I took it as a VERY good sign, I didn't want to get involved with anyone and it not be absolutely right; I was not going to subject my DC to serial broken relationships and the fall-out if I could help it. We have now been together for 8 years and are blissfully happy, living together for 5 of those years, married for nearly 4 and we took it very slowly indeed. Having said that, I knew he was the man I would marry the first time I saw him, we hadn't even spoken! (Clearly I didn't tell him that for a VERY long time though, he would have thought I was bonkers!)