The curse of friendsreunited...

[AnnaK]

I have to start this by saying that I am 5 months pregnant and so may be over reacting…
It all started several months ago when my husband asked who I would leave everything to if I died soon. He was horrified that my response wasn’t automatically his daughter (my step-daughter), who doesn’t live with us (she lives with her mother) and who comes to stay every other weekend, and named my niece and god-daughter instead. He then sulked for three days, because that is how he expresses displeasure.
Now we have one of our own on the way, he asked the same question and I replied that tokens would be left to my niece, god-daughter and step-daughter with the remaining bulk going to my (our) child. He thinks that my possessions should be distributed evenly between his children!
Going back some years he was seeing a woman with two children and his attitude towards them was along the lines of ‘how can we get them out of the way so we can have some fun’. He quite simply doesn’t get that I don’t feel the same way about his beloved daughter as he does, and believes that as she has had a tough start in life, ‘we’ not ‘he’ should be providing for her long term.
(Legally, nothing of mine is entailed to her, I privately have asked a lawyer about this, as she is not on my next of kin list.) I have told him that if he dies first, I would continue the routine of fetching the step-daughter every other weekend and taking her to see her grandmother (my mother-in-law) and that his estate and that of his mother would go equally between his daughter and our child. I do not feel obliged to leave my hard-earned possessions (I had to move abroad to pay off student debts as jobs in this country didn’t pay enough!) to someone who has caused me misery throughout my marriage! Anyway, the sulking subsequent to that conversation has lasted over a week and the general impression I am getting now is that a reason for our marriage was to provide for his daughter!!
The problem with having his daughter to stay is that I am made to feel like a second class citizen when she is around, to the extent where if I ask a question, he won’t even look at me to answer and even if she says the food I provide is nice, he never says a word of thanks. I am getting to the end of my tether now, how can this behaviour continue when our own child arrives? At the moment I don’t actually trust him to put me and the baby first when I am in labour, if he has his daughter to stay when I go into hospital – paranoid or what? His mother seems to have summed the situation up when she said to my face that this baby wasn’t very important as she already had a grandchild.
Then, out of the blue my ex (6 years younger) gets in touch and would like to meet up. I went along with no expectations but ended up realising ho much we had in common, how much he has grown up in the intervening period and when he left, he apologised for messing me around when we spilt up (he didn’t really) and blamed it on the distance (I was still working abroad when we met). I also blame it on the age difference but that seems to be shrinking as we get older. It made me realise what is missing from my marriage at the moment. And while I am not planning to shack up with my ex, I am finding the claustrophobic nature of my marriage increasingly unbearable and when I said to a friend, if I hadn’t been married in church (promises to God etc) instead of a civil wedding, I would have left by now she said ‘doesn’t that say something about the situation you are in now’? My husband hates me having a social life, has tried forbidding me to attend church and complains if I would like to have friends round for dinner. Since we moved in together, he has made no attempt to make any new friends and objects to time I spend with mine.
Long and rambling, I’m sorry, but anyone with any comments would be gratefully welcome to respond.

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Hi Anna
Have you told your husband how you feel when his daughter is visiting you? I used to feel a bit that way when we used to go and visit my husband's family and he would concentrate solely on his nephews and nieces and ignore me. I know he wanted to devote attention to them but at the same time our relationship was new and I think he didn't know how to handle the new dynamics of me being there as well. I do not feel that way with him anymore when we go up there.
I would tell him how claustrophobic you feel (that must not be very nice), maybe he doesn't realise. How long have you been together?
Apart from the fact that your dh is rude to you when your stepdaughter is there, do you get on with her? Maybe go out with her on your own (cinema or whatever) and she might be able to give you more of an insight into why your husband is being so suffocating. Your MIL saying what she said about your baby on the way just sounds plain rude/mad. Is your husband her only child? Maybe she doesn't understand about loving more than one of any category (child, grandchild etc...).
I think you have absolutely no obligation moral or otherwise to provide for your stepdaughter financially...
It sounds as if you have more money than your husband? Maybe he is not in a very well paying job hence the insecurity? Also his concern sounds a little morbid to me, and also as if he thinks he owns you which he clearly does not. What would happen if you just went ahead and did all the things socially that you want to do? Would he throw a wobbly? Does he have any friends of his own?
Sorry a lot of questions - I do sympathise though, the feeling of being trapped must be awful... I hope the dynamics change for you and your husband becomes more laid back and appreciative of you.

I am on my 2nd Stepmother and both of them had me and my brother included in their wills.

Obviously now SM1 is out of the situation, I assume her will has changed, but my latest SM has me and my brother in her will and I am one of the Executors. Her own daughter is the other Executor. She also has a son.

My dad has myself and my stepsister as Executors with the Will being split between myself, my brother and my stepsister and stepbrother.

With regards to the other issues, your DH sounds as though he's very insecure. I think it is very important for you to continue having your friendships away from your DH.

AnnaK - sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I think you need to clearly split up in your mind the two issues ... meeting up with your ex; and your relationship with dh and your finances ...

Did you see the programme on TV with the title of your thread? I think it was excellent. I recently met up with an ex. We had been out of touch for 10 yrs, but had been corresponding by email. When we met up, we were both remembering each other as the vibrant, energetic students we once were ... and the mutual attraction was phenomenal, and completely unexpected and unlooked for. Fortunately I had my kids with me, and he lives and works on the other side of the world, so there was no risk of possibilities. BUT such relationships are not actually based on real life, and generally end in disaster. It's just not worth the risk.

Sorry - are you still with me? - this is rather long because your post really struck several chords with me.

You clearly have quite a lot of issues you need to sort out with dh, but I wanted to mention the financial ones ... I don't think he is being entirely unreasonable. I don't know what your financial situation is - ie who brings in what - and you do seem to have an attitude of yours/mine, rather than ours .. which is understandable. BUT I do think you need to consider, and ideally agree on your wills. If you don't have wills, then if dh should die next year, everything will go to you. Then if you die the following week everything (his and yours) would go to your child(ren). I'm not surprised that should concern him.

Just to add a personal note - I had a baby when I was a student, and he was adopted at birth. It is extremely unlikely, but if he should turn up at some point in the future, and for some reason have fallen out with his adoptive parents, or if they have died, and should he want to, then we would - without doubt - accept him as a son. He would be included in our wills, receiving an equal share (of not a lot!) as each of our two boys. My dh does not think this unreasonable. I realise the situation is different from yours, and there are clearly lots of 'issues' to sort out about your relationship with this girl - but I hope this point of view helps a bit.

Do you (as a couple) contribute financially to the upkeep of your stepdaughter? I'm asking because we are in a similar situation. My dh has a son (now 15) by his first wife, who lives with her and visits us odd weekends and school holidays. His maintenance payment goes out of our joint account, and so I am technically helping to support my stepson. If I didn't, the money would still be paid, but dh would be contributing less to the family pot, so I'm not too bothered by it. I'm getting to the point....We have taken out an insurance policy on a "Joint Life first Death" basis to benefit my stepson. If either of us dies, he will get a lump sum, which will hopefully get him through University or whatever and established in a house. The remainder of our estate will go to the surviving spouse and our dd. The reason that we did it this way was that the stepson has another pair of parents who are wealthy enough to provide for him when they die. Dh's ex wife also took anything that was of value in the house when she ran off with her (now) husband, so nothing in our house could be said to be anthing but ours; there are no family heirlooms, or sentimental pieces to pass on.

Maybe you could consider an arrangement like this, that provides for your step-daughter, but does not give her a share in the capital you have built up since your dh split with her mother? I think the situation would be a lot different if she was living with you full time, as it would be in our case...

Thanks everyone for getting back to me. My internet provider cut me off so I have been completely cut off!
Robinw, my sd id nearly 8 and I have known her for 4 yours. I am allowed no say in any actions of discipline and am constantly undermined by my husband when I try. I have now reached the stage where I am quite simply not interested in being part of their ‘two against one’ scenario as I will never win, and if he can’t see that her table manners are disgusting etc. there is a limit to what I can do if he doesn’t back me up. Yes, I should treat her as I would like to be treated but I simply can’t be bothered any more, dreadful as it sounds.
Arabella2, Yes, I have tried on numerous occasions to tell my dh how I feel, but it always ends in a row and he then sulks for days. We have been together for 4 years now and I have never given him a moments cause to doubt my integrity/fidelity but he still dislikes me to have outside contacts. If I pursue my own agenda, again, he sulks and no, he has very few of his own friends.
I have suggested, in the past, that I take my sd off for the afternoon as she and I get on quite well when he isn’t interfering and it was turned down flat ‘she wouldn’t want to’ . Some months later, we had a huge row and it took about half an hour to find out what he wanted which was, in fact, for me to take her off his hands for and afternoon. So I arranged everything and then he refused to let me do this. I did this on four consecutive occasions and, again, no longer bother as it felt like he wanted to have a row about something but didn’t really know what!
I do earn more than dh but we have a joint account and all money goes into it. All money for sd also comes out of it so we ‘both’ pay for that. However, once our baby is born, my salary will drop below his (part time working) and he may become a little more secure now he is the breadwinner. He has never openly said that he resents my salary… I don’t know.
Slinky, you must either have been a saintly child or you had wonderful stepmothers. Did you actually live with them, because my sd doesn’t. If she did, I would obviously have far more interaction with her and she would be treated as one of my own. She lives with her mother and will thus inherit from her as well as her father, my dh. The way I see it is that my possessions are mine to distribute and if I choose not to leave the majority of my estate to someone who has consistently made my life a misery, then that is my decision.
Roisin, thanks you for your comments. Meeting my ex was an unexpected bolt from the blue which has just caused me to do some re-evaluating. Much as I am often tempted to get out of the situation I am in, sometimes, better the devil you know…? Is that cowardly or sensible? Regarding dh will, of course everything would come to me when he died and when I died it would be passed on. However, I do not feel obliged to leave my half of everything to his daughter, although obviously his half would go to her. I must be a horrible person, I think, but I go back to my last comments to Slinky.
Batters, you are very perceptive: I feel as though I have very little control over my life at the moment, and while I have tried building up a relationship with my sd, I often get blocked by dh. Yes, he is incredibly insecure and though I have tried to deal with it, I am simply not succeeding. As for supporting me against his mother… pigs might fly. She has interfered on a number of occasions now to the extent where I avoid seeing her wherever possible. This will have to change once our baby arrives, I realise, but I doubt it will get any better.
Tissy, the insurance policy sounds very sensible, something I should perhaps look into. And yes, if sd lived with us it would be totally different.
Thanks again, everyone. I’m still not sure of a way forward but at least I feel as though I do have some valid concerns.

Things any better? Take care.

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I agree with Twinkie - its is not your SD who is making your life a misery but your DH. Don't take it out on her, she is only 8 years old for gods sake!!!!!

The way I see it, it looks as if he uses her to get at you, if I were you I wouldn't be interested in joining in that little game.

I think you need to address your relationship with him. Easier said than done I know...

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I have no idea how I managed to resurect this thread - didn't mean to as have never read it. But hope the situation - now I've read it - works out for your sd and you.

Regardless of whether it is AnnaK's dh or sd that is making her life a misery, her original dilemma was whether to bow to pressure from her dh to include her sd in her will. Surely she should safeguard the interests of her child-to-be? If she did include her sd in her will then sd would inherit from 3 parents, whereas AnnaK's own child would only inherit from 2.
Surely the fairest would be for Annak's dh to divide his estate equally between his children, & for each child to inherit from their own mother.

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I think what I was trying to say, and maybe summarised it too much, is that I think her DH is using her SD to get at her. One way of doing this was by forcing her to confront the inheritance issue, at a time when quite rightly it would be stressful for AnnaK to do so.

When I said I would not be interested in playing his games, I meant that she should either be non-commital on the issue or just lie outright. After all its not like he has to see her will and verify the contents.

The little girl is not the issue here. I doubt whether she is that interested at her age whether she inherits from her SM or not.

My guess is that DH is a bit of a control freak and worries about AnnaK getting too close to his DD. Winding AnnaK up about her SD is a way of ensuring this doesn't happen.

This seems to be about much more than who gets what if AnnaK sadly were to die. It is rather more about today and tomorrow and he is making that more difficult than it has to be, not the little 8 year old!

This sounds to me as if it's all about control. Your dh wants to control who you see, where you go etc and now wants some control over your possessions after your death. I think he is cancelling those trips you arranged for your SD just to show that he CAN. He seems to be using her to get to you, which is probably why you now resent her. Perhaps you could compromise as someone suggested by taking out a policy for your SD but doing what you want with the rest.

Annak - how do you cope? you would think that your dd would be a little more understanding considering your condition (5 months pregnant, hormones all over the place) you need friends and will especially need them when the baby is here, do you have a good family that can help?