Confronting toxic parents - your experience?

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

I'm reading Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" , in which she recommends telling inadequate/abusive parents, in person or in writing, what they did to you, how it affected you as a child, and how it continues to affect you as an adult.

She acknowledges that this is difficult to do: difficult for the adult child of toxic parents to take that step, and difficult because a toxic parent is highly likely to deny, minimise or blame in reaction to such a confrontation.

So I wanted to know what MNers' experience with such a confrontation has been: how cleansing for yourself, and what immediate and longterm fallout it created in your relationship with your parents, and your wider family.

You're right . Thank you.

slag -its been interesting to read this, I didn't see it last year. As someone who has confronted toxic parents a few times (i wrote a letter, they didn't mention it for over 2wks, I thought it had got lost in the post! I've also had a couple of verbal confrontations, the first IME they turned up nearly 2hrs late) I'd also say that there's sod all point raising it with them. They lie, deny and you end up no bloody better off.

I tried over many years to confront my parents. It was futile.

Each time came the denials, the accusations of me being a "shit-stirrer" ( I grew up hearing that a lot) Truth is, I had no idea what was happening around me at home, so I questioned my circumstances from time to time.

Even as an adult I was accused of, wait for it, "ruining your Mother's figure" (through her being pregnant with me, only child) from my violent Father.
And this lovely gem from my Mother when I explained to her that I had gone through hours of therapy for my distress "I thought the idea of therapy was that supposed to work ?? " This is just a couple of examples of how delightful they are.

I cut them out of my life a few years ago. They absolutely cannot hurt me now, although they try via my children.

I have achieved more being apart from them and celebrate my own little achievements in life without ever needing or seeking their approval or interest.

Apologies - she actually said " I thought the idea of therapy was that it was supposed to work " . She's lovely.

Complete denial from the toxics here too, I'm afraid. Apparently I am 'mental' and I gave my mother epilepsy. (Heredity works in strange ways in my family.....) BUT the things it has brought to the surface, events that I had supressed for years, although it's painful, I can now work through them. Since the gloves are now off, I don't feel like I ever have to please them or win their approval again and I think that will be liberating once the anxiety dies down a bit.

Thanks for these replies. I am in a bit of a state at mother's pending visit. I have confronted her in the past by letter and I got a character assassination back saying I was a liar who spreads lies etc.

We are only speaking because of my DCs although my mum is nice as pie on the surface and loves to pretend everybody lives in Happyland where she has never put a foot wrong. Beneath her jolly surface act rages a millions agendas and an elephant's memory for things she can bitch about later.

It's good to hear I am not alone, but I am very sad for you all too.

I have been prompted to join this Board as my mother has just died.

She never showed me any affection, and would never touch me though "childhood" and beyond. (Except when she'd hit me, and shout at me.) She was never there for me.

My biological father, a merchant seaman whom I never really saw, walked out of the family home.

My mother remarried ...a man whom I now see as manipulative as she was.

When I was having terrible years, no help was ever proffered, and all this made me more independent and self-reliant.

I can't make any clever observations, and guess in those times, there were no such things as cotton-wool kids.

Having felt numbed when she was close to death, and somewhat winded when I heard she had died, I am neutral when I should perhaps be dreading the funeral. Saw her last some 18 years ago. Even in my fifties, I still wince at the abuse I got, and have had to adapt by putting so much behind me.

Nothing special - Did you ever air things out with your mum? I'm sorry for your loss of a mother that should have been one.

I spoke to an empty chair today pretending my mother was sitting in it. I let out a lot of anger. I did feel a little silly when I first started but after a while a lot of anger and frustration came out. I feel I still have to shout a lot more to be honest.

Sorry special cross post. Sorry for your loss. My mother can't hug me and has never told me she loves me. She thinks shes the best grandmother in the world. I feel so stupidly childish saying all this but although I love her I don't feel she has been a mother to me. I have had to motherher since I was a child. She expected everyone to mother her. Oh am so so angry!!

Twinkle apparently I caused my parents to have high blood pressure and my mum to always be I'll. She blamed me for the pain she went through during childbirth. She told my sister and I how she didn't have any pain relief and had to endure the pain!!

Puppy, I've done the empty chair more than once! Could do with it now, actually, my inner child's got some new stuff to say Thanks for the reminder.

Loads. I have confronted loads.

At first I thought all the badness was my dad's. I punched him out during my first adult showdown with him, aged about 20. This was followed by 2 years of not speaking (i'd phone Mum or sibs, and he obediently handed the phone over). As it turned out, that wasn't enough for me and we had progressively intense discussions - at long intervals - throughout his remaining life. I did feel he respected me for all of this (I was the only one to do it) but, in the end, he was a crazy person who should have been a father. I didn't get a 'resolution'. But I got a fuller understanding of his craziness & pain than most people did. That's probably been helpful. He's dead.

Five years ago, I recognised my mum's malicious side. By then I was all therapied up and was seeing a very good psychologist at the time I started my 'confrontation'. I did it in stages, via a series of heart-to-hearts in which I was very careful not to judge her while not letting her off any hooks. I used Forward's model as a guide. There were many tantrums from her, as well as "yes, but" apologies. She gradually became less defensive. After my "talk programme", I had to set very harsh boundaries around her invasions of my life, and I found this much harder than the talks. It's paid off, though. She understands me better and we have more mutual respect - or, perhaps, consideration.

As a summary, then, I'd say go for it in whatever way suits YOU. It is all about you, for a change, and the primary benefit is giving yourself the chance to get things out in the open. I'd also echo Forward's advice to persist if you're dissatisfied with your early outcomes. This is very much about self-assertion, with the very people who undermined you to begin with. Got to be worth an effort!

:)

i confronted my parents and it was met with complete denial, defensiveness and belief that I was the aggressor.

At no time have they EVER admitted there was a problem or apologised.

I never spoke to them again. I got disinherited by them, but I don't care. To me it was much more important that I was in touch with reality, what ever it cost.

To me, confrontation is futile, do it in your head, admit the truth to yourself, and if you are still in contact w them practise assertiveness techniques.

I think the main process of counselling should be to arrive at the place where you give up ALL HOPE that they will ever 'see' you/become the loving parents you wish for and always deserved. In other words, recognising and accepting them for who they really are.

I agree with you about the goal of counselling, Wobbly. Getting there is harder than it looks, isn't it?

I wrote a letter following some very bad behaviour from my N mother.

No one in my entire family spoke to me for over a year,no communication at all. And they told the entire (tiny,small minded) community that I had devastated my highly respected family and was denying them contact with their GDC. I was ostracised and had to move eventually.

My parents eventually made contact via my eldest dd,who was too young to realise she was being manipulated.

I had,in fact,played into her hands. My sibs still refuse all contact with me and any contact with other relatives happens via the evil ,controlling woman who gave birth to me.

I no longer engage,or have any hope of a real relationship with them,although we meet up a couple of times a year for the dc sake.

I look forward to being free one day when they die.

I wish i had never bothered to send the letter,it made things much worse.

How sad that there are so many of us here who share this.

i manage the pain,it doesn't swallow me like it did,but it will never go.You can never ,really, be your own mummy.

This is called the 'change back' dynamic. When someone in a family steps out of line, the others up the pressure to get them back in line.

What you need to do, is give up all hope that they will be the parents you longed, hoped for, and deserved.

Paul Meier (sp) specialises in treating narcissism and he says: your parents are two of over 2 billion people on this planet. That's all they are. Do you long for validation from my mother? No. Do I need validation from your mother? No. There are many many other people out there, who can give you the validation (you are a nice person, you have integrity, you are dependable, you are lovable, you are efficient, you are productive) you crave.

So, leave them alone, and open ourselves to loving people around us! Develop friends, work colleagues.

We have to stop looking for the connection, from the one (or two) people who CANNOT give it to us. We have to see them as in an emotional wheelchair, and stop expecting them to walk.

We have to see them as in an emotional wheelchair, and stop expecting them to walk.

If I'd seen that five years ago, I would have adopted it! As it was, I had to come up with my own metaphor - which was, they're like lions & tigers. Beautiful to look at, accomplished and very cute when young. You can admire them; even form a relationship with them, but you can never trust them. Get too close and they will tear you to shreds: not because they hate you; it's just how they are.

Going to look up Paul Meier now :)

'I think the main process of counselling should be to arrive at the place where you give up ALL HOPE that they will ever 'see' you/become the loving parents you wish for and always deserved. In other words, recognising and accepting them for who they really are'

I completely agree with this and I'm working towards it with an excellent therapist but it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm so angry and hurt that my feelings actually scare me senseless.

Abitwobblynow, that is a great post. That suggestion from Paul Meier really helps to put things in perspective - they really are just 2 people out of all the other people in the world, but the power they have over me is terrifying. I am trying to more towards a place where I can feel less guilt and can feel comfortable putting myself first so hopefully his suggestion will come true for me one day!

My shrink said something that helped a little, righteous anger leads you no-where...
It was in reference to my toxic inlaws. My DP tried writting a letter and the lack of answer made things worse. I'm now not allowed to talk to him about them. His mother still writes letters starting with "There is nothing I feel sorry about!", follwed by "why do you hate me"... He still suffers and they can't even ackowledge they did anything wrong. It got to the point where he admitted to his mum he was properly at fault for being hard to love.
I see red when ever the in laws get in contact but I agree with him, they will NEVER ackowledge they have harmed him, harmed me, harmed our DS indirectly and no one in the family will speak to us now. And it's all my fault in case you didn't guess! I blame it on a generational thing. I tihnk they are th esort of popele who cannot admit responsiblity, it is beyond them.

I've recently come into the fore with my inlaws.

They have completely disowned me and in the process of a series of conversations last three months - accused me of deliberately sabataging and breaking up my FIL's family and in no uncertain terms they have yelled at me I am a vile, selfish, toxic, self-centered, she-devil with my husband being under 'my influence' and the CAUSE of my MIL being hospitalised with a mental breakdown.

My FIL has literally 'warned' me not to come anywhere near his.

I have kept their toxic text messages on my phone, sent to me - which is a bad reminder of my inlaw's true colours.

I should mention that this is a child abuse case (my 3.5 year old DD being at the center of it - she was one degree from being raped by my FIL's son/ my DP's 15 yo brother - at the inlaw's house) so I'm not sure how I am to blame but I can see why they would want to.

Is keeping their text messages a good idea? I don't know but it has been cathartic reading them all out to my counsellor.

My nuclear fallout with inlaws has been relatively recent - I don't have years under my belt to have got a handle on this.

I'm in a good place emotionally to deal with it on a 1-1 adult level with my inlaws BUT I am SO upset to think of any occasion to happen for my inlaws to see my children (without me being there).

I'd like to hear from you, where you have had deep seated 'detachment/issues/boundaries' put in place with your toxic parents/inlaws and how you delt with your 'contact' in whatever form that is in - contact that includes children. Thanks.

Oh - I don't want to hijack this thread, as I have the child abuse case already explored on another thread but back to this thread - I'm very interested in hearing your 'longterm fallout' especially with children have been - after having a confrontation with your toxic parents.