I'm so upset, I can't think straight. Sorry, long thread.

[eva123]

Hi all, I'm a first time poster, and really wanted my Mumsnet debut to be something fun and fabulous but it is not to be.

I caught my DH watching porn last night - he doesn't know I saw him, and I'm feeling really insecure. He's gone off to the gym this morning, and I couldn't even look at him.

I know it seems like a mountain out of a molehill, but we are a very strictly religious family - he's more staunch than me, and I would never have thought he would do this in a million years.

I know I'm not a size zero -far from it, but I do make every effort with my appearance, and now I just feel so betrayed. Add that to the fact that we were both virgins when me met, have been married for 15 years, and due to his 'low sex drive' (he only wants sex once a fortnight, and would happily go without - its me who always initiates things) , I always seem to be compromising myself for him.

What shall I do...he will be back in an hour and I just don't know how to handle it. The kids are asleep and I can't leave them, otherwise I would just get in my car and drive somewhere far away :( .

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Fair enough. OP, good luck in sorting it all out.

I agree singout, OP came here for some understanding and support not to be told it's because she is religious that this has happened.

OP I trust you get the support you need and I trust also that you will continue having faith. Remember we are all humans and we will all sometimes fall and make mistakes. Maybe this will make your faith stronger, who knows but I do hope your DH sees what upset this has caused and manages to start afresh somehow.

The line that stood out for me is 'I always seem to be compromising myself for him'. Aside from the porn use it seems there are other problems in your marriage that need resolving.

not sure why bare breasts are yuck!

Hi eva. I think it's probably unlikely that posters are going to get you to change your religious beliefs - and I don't think you should. Sexual addiction is just another addiction. It's sad that men can't talk about it, particularly with their wives, as they feel judged, but most men do struggle with this. My husband and I are Christians and we talk about it openly, and he talks to other men about it. Porn is always something he turns to when he stressed, as others may turn to alcohol, a 'pain relief' in some ways. Then you feel worse about yourself as it contradicts your beliefs, and guess what, the need to 'medicate the pain' comes again. It can be a really vicious circle, but understanding and openness are a way out. And it can be overcome.

In my honest opinion, the porn is probably getting in the way of your sex life as he may be living in a bit of a fantasy world. I would try to talk to him about it in a way that is non judgmental and non confrontational. He probably already feels really bad, but he does need some help, for his own peace of mind, and for your sex life to improve. Understanding that it is an addiction is a great place to start. There's some really helpful stuff on the internet and useful websites where men can talk to men. If you'd like to PM me for my details I can ask my dh about the specific sites.

I agree with merry. Porn can be a very intense addiction and very difficult to break out of especially if he is trying to do it himself.
Sincerity, bare breasts are not yuk, it just depends on what context they are being born (whats the PC of bear? and not everyone accepts porn of being a normal healthy way of life.

Borne

Hi Eva

I am a Christian and I do understand the point that SGB is making. Religion/Faith per se does not have to be about sexual repression but many church teachers over the years have taken that line. I agree that your dh may be struggling with the boundaries himself, trying to work out what he believes about sex. A counsellor with an understanding of the Christian worldview may be able to help him to reconsile his faith - which does not have to prohibit a healthy sexual relationship with his wife - with his feelings which may be confused.

I entirely understand your shock and difficulties in raising this calmly and cheerfully - it's a hugely difficult thing to so but the best outcome might be that this could be an opportunity, either in counselling or just together, for you to talk together honestly about your relationship and how you both see sex within that relationship. And if you can't talk openly and calmly about an issue which is central to your relationship, then it's a good opportunity to think together about that too. It's so much nicer if you can feel relaxed about talking together about the big issues in life, rather than feeling that you have to tip toe around them.

Agree notquitegrownup. If you can't read Song of Songs with your dh without being embarassed (and no it's not all about pomegranates!), it's probably time for some help. You can't blame God for sexual repression, but certain religious people (and the Victorians) have certainly contributed.