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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling Behaviour.

56 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 10:55

What does it mean when someone admits being controlling ? is it to make it ok cause they have admitted it or is it a good start?.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 15/07/2011 13:05

No, it's much, much more likely that he will get worse when you live together, to be honest. I've said this before. You think "ah, but when he can see that I'm committed to him, when he knows what I'm up to in the evenings because he's there, when he can see me getting ready to go out, when he can overhear my phone calls, he'll know there's nothing to worry about". Nope, sorry, won't improve things one iota. I'll bet anything you like. It will increase his sense of ownership, and the onus will be on you to make things work because it will be harder to dump him when you share a house. At the moment he can't go too far because you may just tell him where to stick it.

I'm fairly sure I mentioned on your other thread, XH had me under his eye for 25 years, but the longer I didn't run off with another man the more convinced he was that one day I would. Eventually I did run away, but not with another man, just had enough of being stifled. These days I can undo both buttons on my polo shirt (tart!), or wear a scoop neck T-shirt that shows my whole collar-bone, without worrying what he'll say. And if I wanted to work in a bloody brothel, let alone a bar, I bloody well would. Not that I want to (well the bar I might, except I wouldn't be very good at it).

OK, your man is not my ex-man. But the signs are so very familiar. It's a script... and it will get worse, believe me.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 13:16

Grin love the tart bit.

Thing is tho he's say's he trusts me so why make a big deal out of everything i don't get it Confused.

Don't mind him moaning about the things i'm not to bothered about but gets annoyin that i have to have him sulk all day.
I never gave into him when he used to argue with me all day about going out with my friends but i don't go out now cause it's not worth the hassle.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/07/2011 13:21

Why are you allowing yourself to get so involved with such an inherently damaged individual?. He trusts you about as far as he can throw you. Look not just at words but at his actions as well (sulking all day is truly childish).

He has already succeeded in curtailing your social life with your friends; you need to get it in your head that such controlling behaviour is infact abusive behaviour.

This is the guy you fancied at 15 isn't it; relationship wise you're still 15 sadly and easily fooled as a result.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/07/2011 13:28

Because it's not ABOUT trust, sunshine! It's about control. His issue isn't that he doesn't trust you (or that he trusts you but Knows What Men Are Like), that's just what he said. His actual issue is that he doesn't want you to have fun without him, or independent friends, or self-confidence.

Listen to yourself. He's agreed that he's controlling. You feel like a possession. And you want to MOVE IN with him?

Proudnscary · 15/07/2011 13:29

Oh my God woman listen to yourself! Please, please don't move in with him. Your last comment alone is the biggest, reddest, flaggiest flag!
'I don't go out now cause it's not worth the hassle'.
It will get worse. You do NOT have to move in with him, you have the choice right now NOT to do this. Please listen to people on here. It's because we care about you and don't want to see you posting on here in months/years time saying how trapped and desperately unhappy you are because you can never keep this man happy.

bail · 15/07/2011 13:32

Hi sunshine, my DH used to be controlling when we first got together. The stress of me going out alone was overwhelming so I too just gave up arranging anything on my own. He wanted to know and control every detail of my life. It was incredibly stifiling and actually got worse when we moved in together. He too admmitted he was controlling but it did not improve things.

I changed as a person, became quieter, more malleable, much less fiesty (not that I was really fiesty in the first place). The problem was when we were alone and I had nothing planned and I was all 'his', we had an absolute whale of a time and I adored him.

Then... we had an enormous row one day and I left him. Just packed my stuff and walked out. We were due to go to on big hol the next day but I refused to go (despite desperately wanting the holiday and hating the waste of money, but I was SO sure I needed to do this that it gave me the strength of mind not to succomb). I got a flat share ASAP. Over the next six months we talked at length, he admitted loads of stuff, told me why he was controlling etc. etc.

We got back together. That was 4 years ago and I swear to you - it is truly astonishing how he has changed. Totally relaxed with me, totally chilled about me going out. A different man. It is like that big palava shocked him and then the fact that I agreed to give it another shot, showed him I really loved him and he didn't need to be controlling.

Sorry I have gone on at length. I think my point is that it might take a LOT of energy to get to a point where he is relaxed and not controlling.

What you have to ask yourself is... is he worth it?

TurnipCake · 15/07/2011 13:33

What does it mean when someone admits being controlling?

Well, it means exactly that. The issue now is that he's trying to make his problems your problems. They're not. You are not responsible for his emotions - by saying he doesn't want you going out or whatever he said, he wants you to adapt your behaviour to appease his mindset. Do you really want to do that? His world doesn't sound like a pleasant or healthy one to be in.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 13:36

AttilaTheMeerkat - yes he's the guy.

He says it's not me he doesn't trust it's men he doesn't.

I know i should really listen and i agree with you all- i should run.

I love him tho and i was hoping him admitting it was a good thing but i can see now it isn't Sad.

OP posts:
bail · 15/07/2011 13:39

Sorry just seen you have been with him since 15, so I presume you have not been with another man and don't have a benchmark. In my situation I had had a couple of previous boyfriends so knew that his controlling behaviour was not something that I needed to put up with and most guys aren't like this. Seriously, most guys are NOT like this, so do yourself the biggest lifelong favour you will ever do yourself - and walk away.

Good luck xxx

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 13:40

'The problem was when we were alone and I had nothing planned and I was all 'his', we had an absolute whale of a time and I adored him'.

Exactly how i feel.

So happy your DH changed for you - That is what i'm holding out for. He is worth it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 13:42

Bail - I've known him since i was 15(fancied him then).. fast forward 16 years we met up and been with him a year and a half.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 15/07/2011 13:42

He says it's not me he doesn't trust it's men he doesn't.

Probably a wee bit of projection going on there. I think what he means is, "I don't trust men who are similar to me,"

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 13:45

TurnipCake - What do you mean? you think he's cheating on me?.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 15/07/2011 13:54

It wasn't what I was alluding to, but I know (and have been out with) a certain 'type' who are generally quite disrespectful towards women, in terms of infidelity, the language they use etc. it all adds up and they end up being the controlling under the guise of being overprotective, jealous or 'caring'.

One guy I know used to cheat on his wife with prostitutes or anyone else who would show interest. They then had a baby girl. He then said he's now this really 'overprotective' father (his words)

I asked: is that because you're afraid she'll end up going out with guys who behave like you?
He laughed and nodded.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 15/07/2011 14:18

He sounds horrible and he's already wearing you down. Please read the threads about being in an emotionally abusive relationship.
And please whatever you do don't move in with him.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/07/2011 16:02

sunshine, on this thread and your other thread, there are women waving huge red flags in your face. By your answers, you're clearly reluctant to agree with them. You deeply don't want them to be right: you want to hold on to your love and your dreams of a happily ever after, don't you?

But love, just because you want really really badly to move in with your partner and have him become magically less possessive of you so that you can have a happy coupled-up life together doesn't mean it will happen. Even if it should. Even if it would be so much nicer for all concerned.

Let go the dream and look at the reality of the situation for a minute.

Your partner is controlling and possessive. You are disturbed by this (rightly so!). You want him to change so that you can have your dream. You want it so much that you are trying to convince yourself that him saying "Yes, I am controlling" signifies a whole programme of change on his part where you get your happily ever after.

But there is a huge gulf between him saying "I am controlling" and him putting in the long, hard work it takes to shake belief systems and change behaviours. Is that what he wants? Is that what he is proposing to do?

If you are compliant enough and loving enough to be the woman that he wants, don't think that he will reward you by making the effort to be the man that you want him to be. That's not how it works. Sadly.

AnyFucker · 15/07/2011 16:06

yet another thread from you sunshine, looking for just one person to say you are right to stay with this dickhead ?

it's not gonna happen

FWIW, he is just saying what he thinks you want to hear. Which in itself is controlling

what practical steps does he say he is going to take to change his controlling ways ?

or does he think "admitting" it is enough ?

obrigada · 15/07/2011 16:17

Have to agree with AnyFucker, it really does seem like you are waiting for someone/anyone to say you should stay with him, as Puppy says, and as I said earlier, red flags are popping up everywhere. Take your head from the clouds and see him for the controlling person he obviously is.

seriouslynow · 15/07/2011 16:24

I never gave into him when he used to argue with me all day about going out with my friends but i don't go out now cause it's not worth the hassle.

sunshine...your phrase above just shows how you are already changing your behaviour because of him. You probably normalise it to yourself, justify it, by thinking "well, it's really not that important, I didn't want to go out that much anyway....so it's not much to give up....." What you really need to do now, is to start going out at least once a week, with your friends, (WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO!). You need to set this boundary now. Urgently.

If you love him, if you want a future with him, if you think he might change, the way to achieve that is not to allow him to control you but to refuse that control with every fibre of your being.

Bear in mind, many of us know what we are talking about, because we made the same mistakes you're about to make.

MizzyTizzy · 15/07/2011 16:33

I think you are 'in love' with the lad you met when you were 15....unfortunately the man you actually have at 30ish is someone completely different.

SirSugar · 15/07/2011 19:40

Sunshine, I had a H like this and it was a total fucking nightmare until he passed away.

Listen to the women here; it WILL get worse - you can bet you life on it

Pandemoniaa · 15/07/2011 19:57

Run for the hills. Please!
Certainly you must not, under any circumstances live with a man who thinks it is appropriate to allow or disallow you to do anything. Neither are you "his". You are your own person, whether or not you are in a relationship. Once he has his feet firmly under your table he might change. But only for the worse and then you'll be truly trapped.

buzzsore · 15/07/2011 23:14

It's not enough to admit he's controlling, he has to do something to change it - ie. stop complaining when you see your friends, pay no mind to you adding whoever you like to FB, let you have your friends' numbers on your phone and let you text & phone them, support you taking the job you want, stop complaining about what you wear.

If he can't do any of these things, or seek counselling to make changes, then his admission just means he will say in the future 'you knew what I was like' and expect you to suck it up.

RabbitPie · 15/07/2011 23:27

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wotabouttheworkers · 15/07/2011 23:31

Sunshine - please be careful. If you move in with him, he will have many more opportunities to try to control you - when you come in, when you leave, the housework, the cooking, the hours you work, your clothes etc etc. He won't just change his character spontaneously because you are living together. He needs to address the problem before you move in with him. Can you continue to keep your own place and spend time between his place and yours? Tell he must not only admit to his controlling behaviour but prove it by taking action (be it counselling or whatever) See how that goes first. If perfectly normal-seeming guys can turn into control freaks once they are living with a woman, someone who is already a controller won't change when you move in together.