Help me help DP cope with baby crying.

[StarSpangledBanana]

Name changed for this.

Have a 1 year old DD. From the very beginning DP has really struggled with her crying. It's not that he feels helpless she's upset or anything like that, it's the noise itself. It's like nails down a blackboard to him, it makes him incredibly stressed and of course that makes him bad tempered.

I don't know what to do. It really upsets me when he says things like "I can't stand that fucking noise". I can't really explain why it upsets me, apart from I hate arguing and tension, also I think I feel hurt on DD's behalf, IYSWIM. It stupidly also makes me feel guilty, which is bonkers.

I should say that if ever she has hurt herself or is ill or teething etc he is extremely sympathetic and quite rightly very kind and comforting to her. It's the whiny tantrummy type of crying he absolutely can't stick.

Any ideas?

Some babies cry a lot and it can get very stressful, particular if nothing seems to calm the baby. I think parents of very noisy babies find it very hard.

Ob - bet you a pound to a penny though that StarSpangled's DH doesn't do anything approaching 50% of the childcare, and also nothing Star has said suggests that her DD's crying is of unusually long duration/frequency. I would be far more sympathetic to a primary carer, whether male or female, struggling with crying.

How are things today OP?

Thanks for your posts everyone. Yes, he hasn't been the primary care giver but now things are pretty equal since I've been back at work. He does look after her on his own for long periods of time, both of us have been away overnight separately and the other has been left in charge.

There definitely is an immaturity there, in terms of organising and planning, and not being able to have the 'boysy' life he had before, but practically he's very hands on, does all the cooking for example, plus pitching in with washing, cleaning and dressing/feeding/changing DD.

DD was very cry-y and I think we've both developed a bit of a phobia of her 'kicking off', which could explain why it pushes his buttons so immediately.

It's not so much the finding it difficult that upsets me, it's the angry and stressed way that he deals with it. I gave him short shrift about it last night and today things have been great, he's been very positive. I also wish I felt less guilty about it, that's stupid and I know that.

I don't know whether there could be depression there. I think he views the first year of DD's life as a really awful time, he's absolutely adamant he doesn't want another baby (even though I do). He really loves her, and says so, but there's this 'blind spot' regarding the crying.

I would have agreed with AF and Reality TBH. Who has time for a whingy manchild when they have a baby to deal with?

yeah, if your partner finds an aspect of childcare difficult they should just get over it or fuck off right?

nice.

Lots of men find babies difficult because they are no longer the priority, so they start getting "stressed". He needs to suck it up.

i'm sure they do. and others may get stressed for a variety of other reasons

if a mum had posted saying she was finding her baby's crying really intense and stressful and that she couldn't deal with it would she have got the same response? i doubt it

the whole "suck it up" thing is just such a childish response. yes, the OP's partner needs to change how he reacts, but it sounds like he is actually a very caring and thoughtful dad so this must be something that just sets off an unusually bad reaction in him. as the OP says, they had a better day after she talked to him about it, but it's not unreasonable to come up with ways of helping him cope with it is it?

i think you have to help him learn to control his emotions, so when he gets angry, instead of you feeling guilty, or sympathetic or upset you must tell him, in a firm voice 'pull yourself together, she's a child, learn to deal with it etc' i know its stressful but grow up'

he needs to hear this feedback from you, it will help him to calm down and rationalise his feelings for himself, otherwise he will continue to behave like aspoilt child

'reality and anyfucker, what ridiculous posts
he is a crap dad becaue crying sets him on edge'

Not a crap dad necessarily, but a crap husband certainly. He is piling stress onto StarSpangledBanana, who now has to try to appease both the baby's cries and her H's predictable anger.

There are men who do this out of jealousy. Some take the crying personally and resent the baby's apparent rejection of them. Some hate to feel they are helpless and ineffectual in the face of persistent crying. They respond with anger. It is not acceptable to respond with anger. The cause of the response needs to be identified and the offending party needs to commit to being a better partner, helping to carry the load and not adding to it. What matters most is the relationship between the parents; he needs to understand this and behave accordingly.