divorce but still here

[Neeliethere]

well after many years of arguing, going for counselling, separating, getting back together etc etc we finally both recognise it is the end of the road. Why then does my heart feel like its breaking in two? Why do I feel like screaming, shouting and smashing things up? I disliked almost everything about him. I despise the fact that I have always felt like I am being used for stability and a mother replacement. He has a good job. I have a part time job that earns next to nothing.

I am now 55 and don't have a hope in hell of getting my career started. I gave up a good job to have children and look after them. I have only had the one child as he didn't want any really but claimed he wanted our only daughter. However he did tell me when I was about 4 months pregnant that he wasn't so sure any more (too late to do anything about it by then). Once she was here and I was dependent on him he put a stop to any ideas of a sibling for her or more family for us.

I have tried to call a halt to this marriage several times over the years and he has always begged and pleaded and talked me round. Now he is saying enough is enough too. But I am just so scared. We are still living under the same roof and have slept separately for over a year now. I turned away from any kind of physical relationship with him many years ago because I kept finding out lies - some of the silly little things and some of them pretty major. All of them would make my blood boil.

I know this is right. But I don't know where or how to leave. I don't know what to do about my 13 year old daughter. She has a right to have a say in where she lives and with whom.

How do others get through this hell? I have to say friends I can turn to are pretty thin on the ground as this has been going on for so many years I am too ashamed to turn to anyone now. I have, to a certain extent, alienated friends because of my continuing changing from leaving and trying to make a go of it.

I keep telling myself when I get out the other side of this it will be OK but to be honest I'm not sure. I am scared of being a 55 year old single mum. I could pretend to be a widow I suppose but I guess I'm afraid that my daughter will side against me and stay with him as he is refusing to move out and she will want to stay where she is familiar. I know there will be pain but I am a complete coward when it comes to this. I am afraid of letting my daughter down and not being strong for her.

I am just scared, hurt and angry. I guess I have known deep down for more than 15 years that there is no love in our marriage, more so on his part if I'm brutally honest. So often I have had to face being alone in times of stress. So often he has been unable to contact or find when needed. So often he has been unable to reach even when in the same room.

How do others cope? Is there someone I can speak to that might keep me falling apart completely that won't just dish out the pills or take money for listening?

Staying in this environment will poison you all. You need to take action, save yourself, save your daughter.

You must divorce and divide the assets.

The fear of separation is worse than the separation itself, don't let that fear paralyse you. You have put up with this dreadful life for too long. Think about it, your life now is miserable, stifled and trapped. How could life OUT of that situation be any worse? really?

If you stay in this deadening situation, your daughter will be let down. You owe it to yourself and to her to show her how it's important to make choices and take steps the be the best you can be, the happiest you can be and the most content.

She needs to see a strong woman, not one withered and trapped into a loveless marriage. She'll end up mirroring you and in the same situation. If you don't get out now, she'll end up in the same place as you are in her marriage, would you knowingly risk her being as unhappy and unfulfilled as you are now?

Take your life back, make your own life better, no-one else can do this for you.

My XH refused to move out too, and the DCs would stay with him in the familiar surroundings (shit though they were). But guess what: he didn't get it all his way. Your STBXH may tell you that as you're the one who wants the marriage to end you should be the one to move out, but actually the law doesn't work like that. Have you had some proper legal advice? It doesn't have to be expensive. There's a lot of background available on the 'net to start with, the CAB are very helpful, and many solicitors will give you a free or very cheap initial consultation. Knowledge is power.

Try wikivorce Neeliethere. You can post your questions there and get some good, sound advice.

Also you can ask your GP to refer you for Primary Care Counselling to talk things over with a supportive professional.

I don't think it has to be you who goes either, even if it's you who wants out of the marriage. you have been the primary carer for the DC and so you should retain the right to stay in the family home until she's finished full time education.

As for being 55 and single. Well, by the sounds of it you've been single in a troubled marriage for a long time tbh. People do stay together because the unknown is too frightening, but do you really want that? It's a bit of a 'no-win' situation that one. You deprive yourself of the chance to be happy, and for your DD to see that women can survive on their own at any age.

But these are very tough decisions to make and stick to, especially when it seems like a decision is imminent. You've gone on this long, you can afford yourself some time to prepare yourself emotionally and financially for the reality of living without your H. It can be done, it is done by millions of women, and they do just fine.

Good luck.

wisedupwoman. went on Wikivorce. guess what I found. yup STBXH asking all about his rights and the finances et etc. didn't like the answers. no wonder his attitude to me has been so psychophantic for the last couple of days!

You found YOUR STBX on there already?
he he he he! Looks like you can call some shots after all!

Stick to your guns, and be cool and clinical about this. You are doing this for your daughter, for your freedom and the future!

Well the truth of the matter, when it hits them full on in the face, is a tad hard to swallow.
Not sure whether you mean psychopathic (i.e. really furious) or snivelling around you - whatever, it'll mean you're in a better position than he thought.

So, you know what to do.