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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having a F*** Buddy when you're single?

27 replies

SadVillageGirl · 13/07/2011 18:27

Has anyone got one/done this? I have been single for over 3 mths since the end of a long term relationship (the story is on here) and still feel incredibly raw and vulnerable, however, I am functioning better and have gone from crying every day to maybe once or twice a week now. Anyhow!! I have numerous male friends (all single) and a couple of them have approached me directly and asked if I would be interested in FB fun lol! I am ok with it (I think) because I am incredible horny most of the time lol and really miss having sex. But would it make me a slut/tart? I'm 44 and figure that I'm well overdue for some fun!!

OP posts:

Lizzabadger · 13/07/2011 18:34

In general, great but if you are feeling vulnerable I wouldn't go there just yet.

ameliagrey · 13/07/2011 18:39

Oh dear. Hold on. You are still crying once or twice a week over a man and yet you are thinking of inviting other men into your life who see you as a no-strings shag?

Is that sensible?

what would you say to a friend who was asking you that?

I don't feel strongly over FBs one way or the other if that's what both people want AND they can each keep their emotions out of it. I think that rarely happens as one of other usually "falls" and it gets messy.

If you are still raw and vulnerable, is there any chance these men may see you as that- and are simply chancing their arm?

Is there any chance they have this notion that you are now gagging for it as you are out of a relationship- so you need them to sort you out?

It might work brilliantly for you- sex, attention, no strings- but on the other hadn what if they dumped you after a couple of shags- would you care, feel humiliated and worse than you are feeling now?

whatatip · 13/07/2011 18:42

I think it is great but would want to be pal-ish with them, and know there to be mutual respect. You would also want to be 100% sure you had boundaries and weren't going to start wanting more.

As Lizzabadger said, if you are vulnerable it might be a bit early for you. Only you can tell that though.

Original poster

SadVillageGirl · 13/07/2011 18:53

Thanks ladies for your thoughts. Yes you are right about the vulnerable thing..when I say I cry once or twice a week - its a fleeting tear of sadness/regret/hurt/anger, rather than the full blown crisis that I went through that got me hospitalised. The men I'm talking about I have known for years and we have a good friendship. I definitely don't want more/relationship because I feel emotionally I'm not ready. I'm just wondering whether no strings sex is a possibility.Sorry if I have offended anyone. Just needed to talk out loud to someone I dont know.

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 13/07/2011 18:57

I have had several FB's and enjoyed it immensely, however, if at all vulnerable, steer clear.

It is wonderful if done with eyes wide open, and if at all a feeling of attachment becomes evident, it's best to cease it straight away if it will not be reciprocated.

It doesn't make you a slut, it makes you an independent woman looking for sexual satisfaction. Have fun!

memeandmine · 13/07/2011 19:02

I am possibly on the point of doing this ... have a potential "friend with benefits" lined up. Trouble is we get on really really well and so I am a bit wary of starting anything in case I get emotionally attached. He is very single and has got used to living alone etc, he has said he isn't a good bet as a boyfriend. Might just keep him as a mate lol

SortingHardHat · 13/07/2011 19:02

Don't underestimate the healing power of a quick fumble! If you want to do it then go for it.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/07/2011 19:16

I have done this between the ex and getting together with mrrosie

He was a toy boy to boot

And a bloody good shag. He showed me what good sex was and how good it could be.

BUT I broke his heart. It was just FWB for me, for him he was hoping for more which was never never going to happen

Be careful.

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2011 19:26

I've no objections to FBs but really dislike the idea of someone looking at me and asking whether I was up for it. In a way it's like them saying, "I wouldn't want to go out with you or take you home to my family, but I wouldn't mind shagging you."

ineedabodytransplant · 13/07/2011 19:39

Is there such a thing as cuddle buddy?

What I need right now, let alone a fuckbuddy.

ineedabodytransplant · 13/07/2011 19:41

Whoops should have been a not a

newmum001 · 13/07/2011 19:42

Go for it, but only when you are sure you're over your ex. If you're still voulnerable the chances are you"l fall for the FB and end up even more hurt!

Having said that when the time is right it can be amazing, I've been had a couple and nothing beats a bit of no strings fun!

newmum001 · 13/07/2011 19:42

Go for it, but only when you are sure you're over your ex. If you're still voulnerable the chances are you"l fall for the FB and end up even more hurt!

Having said that when the time is right it can be amazing, I've been had a couple and nothing beats a bit of no strings fun!

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/07/2011 19:44

I should add my FWB gave the best cuddles and back rubs until I found MrRosie

The sex was fantabulous, he put me first, it was always on my terms, which I needed at the time, but no way was it ever a relationship in the making.

I used him, I feel about that, I don't feel good about it, but I did.

sungirltan · 13/07/2011 20:00

go for it if you think you would enjoy it but be very clear. ime its better not with a friend as no complicated feelings but if with the guys who have approached you, you have never contemplated a reltionship then maybe that would be ok.

i've had a few fb and not angsted over them.

ameliagrey · 13/07/2011 20:51

Personally I have no moral objections to anyone having a FB, but I can't have sex with men I don't care about or feel an emotional attachment for.
For me, sex and emotional closeness are inseparable. If I felt ready to have sex with a bloke, I'd need to feel he cared for me, even if it wasn't ever lasting love. So I guess I'd be no good as a FB.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2011 21:16

By all means have a FB/FWB - but don't pick one of the one's who'salready made the suggestion.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/07/2011 21:58

Amelia - your post touched a nerve with me. As far as my FB was concerned, I cared about him and we were close as friends but it was never ever going to be a relationship. I know he wanted that and I couldn't give him what he wanted or needed. I do feel guilty that I hurt him. I never led him on though or made him think it would be anything morenthan sex.

Excuse typing on phone.

HedleyLamarr · 13/07/2011 22:10

You're single. As long as you feel you're ready do it. If no strings sex works for you of course. It doesn't for some, I know.
I'd do the same but 1. I'm very shy, and 2. I'm a munter.
Well, 2 needs qualifying I feel. I'm not ugly, just skinny. Not a good look, and one of the things that stops me even bothering. I'll stay single.
Sorry for the hijack.

Mortal · 13/07/2011 22:10

I had many. I would have gone nuts if I didn't.

ameliagrey · 13/07/2011 22:42

FMPAmelia - your post touched a nerve with me. As far as my FB was concerned, I cared about him and we were close as friends but it was never ever going to be a relationship. I know he wanted that and I couldn't give him what he wanted or needed. I do feel guilty that I hurt him. I never led him on though or made him think it would be anything morenthan sex.

I am sure you didn't lie- but my opinion is that in relationships people can be honest but still have spoken, or unspoken hopes.

Sometimes people equate longevity of a relationship with commitment or potential commitment.

I think the whole FB thing is a minefield- I have never known it to work successfully, but if it does- fine.

You see, people often think they know what they want, but that can change. I have heardloads of men say they slpet with women as FBs but the women became emotionally involved.

There are lots of features on this on the web and in publications- which show that biologically once a woman has had sex with a man, something goes "ding" in her head and creates an attachment.

Now you are living proof that it didn't - but as with all research, it's the exceptions that prove the rule.

As for not being a FB with a man because he asks , and doesn't want you as a date- isn't that double standards? if both people are happy to be FB, it really shouldn't matter who asks first.

heleninahandcart · 14/07/2011 01:06

Not when you're still vulnerable

Not with any of those who have offered. Some men think a newly single woman is gagging for it and an easy target. No.

Give it a little time, find a FB that you choose and, being aware of the boundaries etc, enjoy yourself!

Oh and mo more than 1 from any circle of friends

lachesis · 14/07/2011 01:29

Another not while you are vulnerable. And not a friend you already have.

I had a few. They served a purpose, but to be honest when I was vulnerable I went for the one-night stand. The one I didn't really know to satisfy a need and then could just kick out or leave.

But for me I soon found out I couldn't divorce feelings from sex. For a while, I stuck to men who were in the same situation, heartbroken. People who sleep next to you, after the sex, wishing they were someone else.

It's a lonely, empty feeling. You aren't who they want and they aren't who you want.

But in your position, I kept it to one-nighters.

M0naLisa · 14/07/2011 01:34

me and DH were Fbs when we first met, we then fell in love - 6 years later, married for 5yrs and 2 DS. i had just come out of a 3 yr relationship, actually within days of splitting i was with DH then FB on a dirty weekend in Blackpool

HairyGrotter · 14/07/2011 08:05

One nighters are a good idea also, but I've always been able to separate Sex and emotion. I have had many FWB's but have never attached, but then I have a phobia of commitment and don't function well in relationships, therefore, for me FWB's/FB's are quite essential to my having sex, although I was celibate for 3.5 years!

Think about it, weight up the pros and cons.

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