Partner either cannot or will not cum - and it's affecting our relationship

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

I'm a name changing regular as my partner knows my username and frankly this is extremely embarassing. I've been with my partner for a few years now and he has only 'cum' once in all this time despite me trying every trick in the book, various techniques, positions, you name it, it aint happening.

I am starting to hate sex now. I'm feeling woefully inadequate (never had this with any previous partner) and the lengthy sessions just end up with me pushing him away because I've become sore or bored or both.

He claims he doesn't 'need to cum' to enjoy sex, which is fine as neither do I, but to not climax in this amount of time, ever?! I can't help but feel he's now going through the motions because he feels I want sex rather than because WE want sex.

This has all came to a head in a massive row this weekend because, after a few drinks, i thought it would be a good idea to try and seduce him - sexy undies the works - and got told point blank to do one and he wasn't interested leaving me feeling really embarassed and pretty shit about the whole thing, the only explaination offered was a mumbled "it's late i have work in the morning" putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 12 i can only think everything is now beginning to play on his mind. It is mine.

I have tried talking to him in the past and since the argument but just get told to forget about it, it's not that important and it's over and done with and dealt with. But it's not. I'm feeling really really shit right now :( Can the wise heads of mumsnet offer any help or advice at all please? I just want some intimacy in our relationship again. Failing that a 'wham bam thank you mam' type shag would suffice. Sadly I seem to have neither :(

namechanged how awful for you :( It'sthe intimacy that counts, and it sounds like you're getting really down now. I'd agree with the others that psychosexual counselling is a good idea. Google 'sensate focus' and have a look. It reintroduces intimacy without the pressure for penetration.

Sounds as though you get on well otherwise? Will he give it a go, do you think?

oldlady no. He won't let me do it for very long before wanting penetrative sex. That and I can't sustain the grip he likes i think there may be an issue with the whole friction thing as mentioned earlier. That would make sense now i've just answered your question.

Yes, I think we might be on to something there...

I am quite that you joke about this. How on earth do you imagine you are going to concieve if he doesnt ejaculate?. I think you have to really sit him down and talk about this and tell him that he must seek help,be it from the doctor or counselling.
I had a friend who claimed he had this problem. He put it downto trying to not ejaculate too soon the first time he had sex and he then couldnt lose control when he wanted to. I always had my suspicions that he was gay.

Thank you.

salles Thank you i'll google that and see where it leads. I think i'm also going to push for the counselling before we start TTC (otherwise how is the C part going to happen?!)

I only mentioned the turkey baster to help you guage his reaction about the TTC issue. If he argues against it, it could be that he's holding back when you have sex.

gauge oops

DH has seen the doc and there are no physiological reasons. With a lot of love, patience and care, I have come to understand the psychological reasons. We have had some couples counselling, which has helped, but to be truthful the main thing has been talking to each other and being brutally honest. Nowadays I can say to DH "Oh it's going to talk bloody ages I just can't be arsed" if that's how I feel, and he can say to me after 20 minutes "That was lovely, but it's not happening" and we have a cuddle.

For a long time the whole thing was centred around ME coming, which brought up feelings of selfishness & performance anxiety for me & was a way for DH to feel the sex had been "complete" while avoiding the ejaculation issue.

I can talk about the mechanics of it if you like, but will leave that to you!

A word to the speculative, though... If this was a woman who couldn't come, would you be as quick to pack her off to the GP, or assume she must be gay? There are sexual appetites that fall outside of the "normal" range, but it's vital not to see them as "defective."

salles i get why you suggested it and it seems like a good way to gauge things.

pink4ever do you suggest we remain British and stoical about it then and not have a sense of humour? I think it's our humour that has helped us cope so far with it.

namechanging I could have written your post. Proper lightbulb moment there! Thank you!

knackeredknickers yes I'd tell any woman with orgasm probs to go and see the doc! I agree with you though that it is a bit presumptuous to say he's probably gay though!

Hi namechanged,I had a similar problem with my ex and I too felt that it had something to do with me. It really affected my confidence and like you I'd never experienced it before.

I've since realised that he had really significant psychological problems and a fear of losing control.

Theres a wealth of information on the internet about this-just google 'retarded' or 'delayed' ejaculation. I think most of the commentators agree that the problem is a psychological rather than physical one.

However like others have said the major problem is his denial that there is a problem.

Well yes, seeing the GP is sensible for a woman with chronic orgasm problems I grant you - but I think we tend to be more softly-softly about women with this problem, quicker to suggest things like other ways to be intimate, a patient partner, talking openly, taking longer over foreplay, etc.

When a man can't come the general feeling seems to be "WTF is wrong with him/the relationship?" although after 12 years I grant that I might be a little bit jaded. I have talked to a handful of friends about this and on the whole I've received the "WTF?" or "He must need medical attention" or suspicions about him being gay/adulterous/wankathonic.

OP - glad it helped. I have had to look at MY expectations of what makes sex "a success" as much as DH has.

I agree. It's not something I would have expected to be met with anything other than the attitudes of a few on this thread so it has been enlightening and reassuring to find that it is a problem that can be worked on.

It also shows to me how much pressure men are under to perform in the sack. I hadn't really put too much thought on it - mainly because it's been so easy for partners to climax and have only really heard about and encountered the opposite problem.

Now to convince DP that we can work at this...failing that i'm selling him to the porn industry

:) we joke about that too! Have you seen "Boogie Nights?" we had a big chat after that one!

Good luck to you. If you live each other you can make a lot of headway.

Oh and he has made me pregnant 3 times, it took a bit of determination and planning but it was still a miracle every time and our babies were well and truly wanted :)

...love each other! Sounds twee, but it makes all the difference. I am invested in DH's happiness and have learned to trust him when he says he is satisfied.

Thanks namechanging. Can't believe a woman who doesn't usually orgasm with her partner but says she enjoys sex anyway would be told that she needs to see a doctor, is suffering from a medical complain or is most likely to be gay - can you just imagine the reaction!

It just shows the vast gulf between what people think or male versus female "normal" sexual responses.

OP, is he on any kind of opiate painkillers or anti-depressants? The former sometimes allow erection without orgasm.

There is one important difference between men and women- biologically.

Men need to ejaculate to continue the species- women's orgasms may help conception ( some evidence they help propel the sperm up!) but generally a woman does need to come to conceive.

So although a woman might be advised to see a dr if she has problems with orgasm ( I had problems but never saw a dr about it) , it's more serious for a guy because he is biologically programmed to come- and quickly, before a sabre tooth tiger or wooly mammoth bites his bum!

It's a pretty automatic response to stimulation for men to get erections , but delayed or non existant ejeculation is a problem.

There could be loads of reasons: mind games, not enough sensitivity, possibly being gay ( able to be stimualted by erotic thoughts but not actually come), who knows.

Rather than comparing the problem with a woman who can't come, maybe compare it with a woman who ( when trying to conceive) has problems with ovulation, or vagismis, or dry vagina, or endo. Everyone would suggest she sees a dr.

OP - If you google 'Savage love' you will come across a sex-advice column penned by Dan Savage.
He has had many pieces on masturbation technique - in particular masturbation with what he calls a 'death grip'. His argument is that if this is used it can result in problems down the line when it comes to penetration, as the amount of friction from vaginal sex is simply too little (same problems can happen to women with vibrators). He has some suggestions for how to get over this which might help.

"For a long time the whole thing was centred around ME coming, which brought up feelings of selfishness & performance anxiety for me & was a way for DH to feel the sex had been "complete" while avoiding the ejaculation issue."

I recognise this too - my DH can be TOO giving and caring - and that applies to all aspects of life, not just sex!

I think the cries of 'he might be gay' illustrate just why it can be so difficult for men to discuss this sort of issue, a woman's ability to orgasm would NEVER be immediately linked to her sexuality - we'd be far more likely to consider her emotional or psychological state, or the state of her relationship.

Good luck, I think it's great that you two can talk/laugh about it - keep doing that!