Hi, girlwithouttattooI just wanted to add my support too. My DH told me in April that he wanted to part and moved out 3 weeks later, saying that he didn't love me anymore and couldn't cope with the stress of me having anxiety issues. Apparently I made him sad, stressed and miserable. We have been married 19 years.
I too had PND when DS was born 5 years ago, and although the PND has been managed, I have suffered with anxiety ever since. This sometimes meant I would have panic attacks about not being able to be on my own with DS whilst my husband was at work, so I would sometimes call him home early, or get him to take days off when i felt really bad. He absolutley hated the disruption this caused him at work, and so he often used to act as if I was doing it on purpose, which made me feel guilty and even worse. I guess after 5 years, he's finally had enough.
They way you say you feel is so similar to how I felt at first, and still do feel to some extent. You have PND and I have anxiety, and that makes it especially hard to cope with life-changing events like these. Your first reaction is denial, or a kind of numbness, like your brain can't take it in. In my case, the anger came next, mixed in with hurt and grief, it's such a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I was screaming that I hated him, but at the same time grieving over him and wanting him back. I think those feeling are all normal, and everyone who has lost someone they love goes through them.
I also have the same flux of emotions you mention. One minute I'm in despair thinking 'I'll never cope alone with DS', then the next I'm much more confident and thining 'yes, I can do this and maybe my life will end up being even better in the future'. It's all so up and down.
Your husband has said exactly the same as mine-that he would end up hating me if we stayed together. Also that he would do anything for our DS and I thought exactly the same as you-that if that's true, how could he leave us and split our family up?
The hardest thing I have now found to cope with was the fact he met someone new barely a week after moving out. I felt as if it was another blow and all the same feelings started all over again-shock, anger, hurt. It wasn't that I thought he would come back to me, he's already made it clear that wasn't going to happen. But he had said he wanted to remain friends if possible, and for us to still take DS out on day trips etc together in the future when things were more settled between us, and I think I hung on to this as my 'safety net'-a sense that there was going to be a time of adjustment for us both, time for me to come to terms with being on my own most of the time with DS and getting used to my husband as just a 'friend'.
But his meeting someone so soon has completely shaken me, and caused me a lot of anger as he now changed his mind about us still doing the occasional day out with DS-but he is pushing me to let DS meet the new woman, because he wants to be able to do stuff with her and DS! It is so, so hurtful, but he just doesn't get why I get so angry with him.
You say he is ignoring your calls, the only advice I can offer from what I'm going through is to try to stop calling, or at least cut down how much you call. Believe me, I know how hard it is, I've spent the last three weeks calling and texting, sometimes valid stuff but often angry stuff that just doesn't help. Then the next minute I'm phoning to say sorry and crying and apologising, and it just goes round and round in circles.
In the end all the phoning has made things worse, because whereas my H was talking to me about his feelings and mine, he now won't talk, phone, or text about anything other than practical things to do with DS. He says he will only talk to me if we go to Relate to sort out how we can move on amicably for DS's sake.
So for the last 3 days I have not texted or spoken to him at all and I am trying to think that the best way not to let him 'get to' me is to focus on trying to be the best mum I can to DS and to stop making my H feel that I need him, by ringing & texting all the time. Even though I still feel I need him, I'm going to tell myself 'I CAN do this on my own, these feelings WILL pass'. It's not easy, but I'm sure you too will get to a point where you can do something similar.
DS has a school assembly on Friday that the parents are invited to. I will be going and as far as I know so will H. But I'm not going to give in and ask him, I'm just going to go, find a seat and if my H is there already, or comes in after, well-where he sits is his choice. As long as my son sees me there supporting him,that's my priority now and I feel quite proud that after two weeks of severe depression, I can actually feel able to do that.
Sorry this is so long and rambling, I probably I haven't really helped you much! I just wanted you to realise you're not alone in the way you feel, and that all your feelings are valid. Are you getting any additional help with your PND now that you have this extra stress to deal with? I have been assigned a community psychiatric nurse who visits once a week-she's only been twice so far, but I've found talking to her a great help, as she is a 'neutral' person who doesn't take sides, yet manages to make me feel that my feelings are valid and I'm not being unreasonable. And I think we really need to feel that when we have ex-partners who are acting like idiots and making us feel guilty and crap!