Is this a red flag or am I overreacting?

[BlackBooks]

Namechanger here. Don't really want to broach this one with RL friends yet...

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now that I met online. It all seems quite promising - he is funny, thoughtful, attractive, smart, etc etc etc. A few years younger than me, no kids. Last week, we slept together for the first time. All at my instigation - invited him back to mine, no pressure from him.

Anyway, all was going fine, until about halfway through the third shag he put his hand around my throat. It took me a few seconds to realise that this was an intentional 'move' and that I didn't like it. I couldn't breathe. I didn't say anything but took his hand away, quite firmly. He gave a sort of embarrassed laugh and we carried on, no other weirdness from him but no apology either.

Am I overreacting to be a leetle bit concerned about that? Don't get me wrong - I am no prude, I consider myself to be pretty sexually adventurous in fact, I have no issue with anything really (children and animals excepted, of course) but I do think that it should all be consenting - and that first night together it's probably best to keep it fairly vanilla unless otherwise clearly indicated!

Or did he just get a bit carried away, do you think? I mean, he did stop as soon as I made it clear I didn't like it, he didn't try again, etc. There's nothing else in his behaviour so far that gives cause for concern, although of course I've not known him for long. Maybe he had an ex that liked it and he just forgot himself in the heat of the moment, as it were?

We're due to spend this weekend together, at his. Do you think I should say something before we get down to it (ahem) or should I just see what happens and then deal with it?

WWYD?

Thanks (I think!!)

It sounds a bit of a red flag to me. Maybe something you'd try in an estabilished relationship with trust, if you both wanted to - but it seems an odd thing to do on your first time with someone you don't know very well, without even asking if you liked that sort of thing.

It would be very off-putting for me personally.

Definately a red flag to me. Agree with Ephiny. Also to do that the first time you slept together. I would get rid. you deserve better.

I know that this is a not-uncommon aspect of sexual practice for some people, and that's why I started the thread - to see if I was being OTT. I didn't feel the need to run and I don't think it was done maliciously. As I said, nothing else about his behaviour has given me any cause to worry. It was an unpleasant surprise, I guess, and I think the not-breathing bit was more because I was taken by surprise! He wasn't squeezing, just firm pressure. But equally I do think it's weird to do the first time...

And now I sound as if I'm making excuses for him, don't I? Hmmm.

SCGB, no we'd not talked about kink but he did stop and no, he definitely wasn't pouty afterwards - if anything he seemed a little embarrassed.

Am a bit at the implication that I must be desperate for a bloke, any bloke, if I choose to see this man again, though...

I think, if you like him, and you don't feel uncomfortable with what he did then see him again, absolutely.

TBF DH tried his luck with anal on our first night , but he was young and delighted to be in bed with someone as gorgeous as me.

It sounds to me that he is very unlikely indeed to be dangerous and if it were me I would be inclined to give him another chance if he is otherwise enjoyable. However, any more wierd shit that I didn't like, without prior discussion, and I would be off.

It would freak me the fuck out.

But I'm not like you sexually adventurous whipper snappers so whaddoIknow?

The red flag is no that he DID it but that he did it hard enough t stop you breathing.

Many people like it....gently though....some people like it hard....but they've usulydiscussed this as it's hardcore....to choke someone....t need to be discussed and for both parties to agree on a password for a get out clause.

He never asked about this...but he did it so hard that you couldn't breathe.

Yes it's a red flag and that's coming from me...someone whose etremely open and adventurous in bed.