We've stopped having sex and I could do with some advice

[EllieG]

I love DH, but I don't want to have sex at the moment, and haven't for ages. I don't think I find him sexually attractive any more. I work long hours, have 2 kids, and am generally so tired, but we used to be able to fit it in, but recently.....nothing. And I don't even care. But he does, and that makes me sad. He is so lovely about it and would never ever want me to do anything I didn't want to, but he is a bit sad, I can tell. We've had a bit of a tough time relationship-wise recently and whilst I feel close and loving and caring about him again, the sexual feeling for him just seems to have gone.

I am a bit sad about it - I can't have a sexless marriage at 33, but neither can I bear to fake-it-til-you-make it just have sex to keep him happy (used to have to do that with ex, and it was horrible).

Might not be able to post back for a bit, but would welcome some advice. But not of the 'just shave it off and jump him' variety please, because I know how to have good sex, it used to be great. I just don't want any at all. Can you have a marriage like that? I don't think so. But I would never want to leave him. But he will not want to be like this for much longer.

Thanks people. It all sounds so easy on here, and I think, yeah, that's what I'll do, but then when it's raised it just ends in silence and hurt or arguments. I need to talk about it I know, but it's so full of rejection-feelings that it gets defensive very quickly.

I gave him a hug this evening and thought i know I will try and initiate something, but he was annoyed with me for chatting to the neighbour for too long so just told me he was too tired and went back to his playstation. He's annoyed because he thinks I should have been paying him attention I think, because I have to go out tomorrow night, and the last couple of nights I have had to work a bit late. I don't do much for myself mind.

It's hard to feel desire for someone when they are being petty and silly. Oh dear. I think there's probably more to sort here than sex isn't there? Maybe some kind of couple-counselling would help. Not sure how the suggestion would go down though. I wish I could talk to him like this.

EllieG - there's a few things you've said that make me wonder whether your DH actually isn't all that nice to you? Maybe you've stopped wanting to sleep with him because he isn't kind, he takes you for granted, and is quite selfish? I know that might seem like a leap from what you've said, but you've talked about him moaning about the little things, and from experience that can damage your self worth in a much bigger way than you or anyone else might realise. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, it's just what I'm picking up on.

Oh dear Ellie - its hard enough to talk about these things but it is impossible to rectify these issues if he is not willing to open up.

Maybe it is an idea not to raise these issues and concentrate on having fun as a couple again. Laughter is a great leveller and great at connecting with each other. Things should progress from there - again, only if he is willing. Have a night with no playstation/PC. Play a board game together, share a bottle of wine, cook together.

Fingers crossed for you Ellie.

It's a vicious circle though isn't it? He is also feeling hurt and rejected and that's why he is being petty. Perhaps he feels that you have been avoiding him rather than working/chatting to neighbour. It's very easy to get paranoid in these situations.

I do think you need to schedule in a meeting during which you both get to say your piece without being interrupted. I don't think that should be the moment to argue back or even respond. Just a half hour for you each to lay your feelings bare and then a whole day to go off and think about what they have said. You can then collect your thoughts and the next day will be your chance to decide what actions you can take.

For instance you can promise to give him more reassurance in the way of hugs and physical contact and he can promise to give the playstation a rest and communicate with you a bit more.

Do you eat together? Mealtimes are a great way to sit down and chat about everyday things. If you are doing your thing during the day and he is doing his then no wonder you both feel rejected. How about you make it part of your routine that when either of you gets in from work the other makes you both a cuppa and you spend 10mins chatting. There is nothing that cannot wait for 10mins.

Best of luck and do enjoy your wedding date!

It's not that he's not nice, sure, he can sometimes be a bit of an arse, but I think it's more that he's feeling insecure and hurt and rejected so is a bit arsey because of that. So it just goes round.

Good suggestion re more talk time. Wedding was great - was the first time we've danced and laughed all evening in ages. Someone else put kids to bed and I felt like we were just a couple again, so much fun. Am hoping if we both make more effort can carry on with the closeness. Fingers crossed eh?

Thanks again everyone for useful advice.

Ellie - I was just thinking out of the box really. Wondering if there was a more simple solution.

I think there's often a lot of well-intentioned denial in discussions like this. People will tie themselves in infinite knots trying to work out whether your lack of sex drive is due to something you don't like about the way he talks to you, how much sleep you don't have or the colour of your neighbour's cat. All that's perfectly valid, and in some circumstances can lead to solutions.

But it's also based on a false presumption: that if all these things were fixed and sorted (like life can ever be like that, but anyway) then the "blank slate" situation will ALWAYS be that people in a reasonably happy relationship will want to have sex with each other. As far as I can tell this presumption is nothing more than wishful thinking - it certainly doesn't seem to be based on any study of reality.

The fact is that some people have very low sex drives. Quite a lot of women completely lose their sex drive after having children. For some it returns; for others it doesn't. Some just seem to get to a point where they don't even think about sex or have any desire for it at all any more. In some cases this seems to have nothing to do with anything else, such as their relationship which is very happy - it's just the way it is. It's a terribly inconvenient fact because the vast majority of men do retain their sex drives after their kids are born. But inconvenient facts are still facts.

Here's a question - sorry if it's too forward but it might shed some light on whether this is just a physiological change in you or more about other aspects of the relationship:

Do you feel desire to have sex with other men, just not him? Or no desire whatsoever for anyone?

SimpleDad please can you explain why sex = love to men? I really appreciate your post on this thread because I am in a similar position to OP and really don't know where to go from here. DH genuinely believes that I don't love him because I have no libido at all. He get's upset if he thinks I'm faking it and gets upset when I reject him, no matter how gently.

We do have sex, probably once (or last week three times) a week, but it's just not enough for him because he thinks there's a connection missing if I'm not the one initiating it. Unless he's coming on to me, I just don't think of sex at all - not with anyone.

Any insight you can provide would help, please.

I sometimes wonder about that - no, I don't want to have sex with anyone else, I don't think about it much. (Sorry if tmi) - apart from when I am ovulating (which, oddly enough, post-children I can tell when I am) and then my libido seems to recover with the addition of a few more hormones, just for a couple of days. The rest of the time I would perfectly happily never even think about it.

lolalot I often wonder the same thing...please Simpledad come and talk to us.
I clicked on this thread with because DH and I are going through a v bad patch. We have only been married 2 years, but together 8. I was finding sex increasingly painful and so I wasn't very enthusiastic about the whole thing for a while. DH felt awfully rejected and I knew it but there was nothing I could do, it was just too sore. Having been ignored by 2 GP's I eventually found a lovey gynae who diagnosed rampant endometriosis and lasered it off. I was very very ill after the operation for various reasons and so we had no sex AT ALL for a few months.
Last week I decided to give things a try again in the bedroom but DH couldn't engage at all. He said I am now like a flatmate more than a wife and he has been rejected so many times that he has turned himself off from me. He also said (which made me saddest) that he felt so unloved all that time. I was really aware of that so I was always cuddling him, kissing him, telling him I loved him. I would also do other sex things other than penetrative sex. But all it equated to in his head was nothing.
For him, penetrative sex = love.
I just don't know what to do now.

As a man, I wonder whether I might add something.

tak1ngchances uses the important words "flatmate" vs. "wife". I think it's lazy to use the sex = love as if that reflects the whole equation. It's clear that love underpins all of these relationships where sex is an issue or not.

So, what does sex equal for a man?

It's the difference between living with someone and being a sexual partner. Taking a very detached view, you could say that displays of affection might be extended equally to friends as sexual partners. It's only the things that two people would do in private that contribute to that sexual partnership. I guess this would include many other things kissing, massage etc. and not just penetration.

Does this give a good explanation of what to do? I am in a similar position, and I think that the advice to share ideas is sound. I also share others' fear that sex has left all together and worry even how to open a discussion with my DW. So I am at an impasse.

If I was brave I would make the first move in a bold way. I would set the scene and the expectations of what I would prefer to the run-of-the-mill intercourse.

Perhaps when I'm feeling a bit bolder.

Maybe boldness is the key. But I keep shrinking from it because I am tired and worried and I am not at all sure how the conversation will end up so I leave it....

DH talked last night and we had a (reasonably) honest chat about it. Didn't get anything sorted but at least there was the start of a dialogue. So I suppose that's good. But there's so much hurt attached to it that it's hard to be honest. How do you answer - 'do you still find me attractive?' when you are afraid the answer might be no? Or at least - I don't know?