I?m just about at the end of my tether, feeling absolutely lost and helpless with all this. I don?t know where to go for advice or help, I?m really hoping that someone will read this having been through something similar.
Almost 4 years ago now my exH and I divorced. We have 2 DC?s.
A bit of background?my exH has always had a drink problem and as he says even now, ?you knew what I was like? and I did but when I was 18 it didn?t seem that much of an issue as we were all out having a good time. He always got a bit nasty with drink too which got worse over the years. Following the birth of DC1, I stopped going out but exH was reluctant to change and got angry at me that ?I? was to blame for his loss of freedom. Over the next 8 years I tried everything to make us a family, we got married and had another DC and I put up with his deteriorating and evermore violent behaviour. My parents separated when I was younger and it devastated me and this was always in my mind that I could not put my children through the pain of separation. To be honest, despite all his wrongdoings and even the violence, I would have done anything for him, there was always a period of upset and remorse after the incidents and an excuse (which isn?t fair to go into in as its his personal family business) which made me think I should forgive him.
Eventually, things were getting so bad I begged him to get some counselling as it was getting too much, by now he?d had a couple of periods of drug abuse as well. I could not talk to anyone about it as on the outside no one would have any idea, we had a nice house and cars, no financial worries, etc. and I did think that because of this no one would believe me. However, it got to the point where even his friends were asking how I put up with him. He would drink at christenings, weddings, etc and start taking jokes too far to a point where no one found him funny then he would turn on people. It became apparent that we were being missed from invitations but this was a relief to be honest that I didn?t have to go through the sitting cringing worrying what he would come out with next.
I got to a point where he had got me so low, people at work started to notice and my boss arranged for me to have some counselling. He was furious that someone would be ?interfering? in our lives and again I asked him to go. He refused and resented me going too, I was then labelled a ?freak? and his violent temper got worse. Although I found the counselling helpful, I found I was still covering up for him and even lying that things were improving. However, one Friday I was going for counselling and he really lost it with me he slammed me against the wall and said I shouldn?t be out enjoying myself whilst he was at home ?babysitting?. He then punched a massive hole in the door, youngest DC saw it all and was screaming but he would not let me go. He said that I was a ?slag? like my mother and that I should stand up for myself and fight back. I was so angry that he had made me like this, I took DC to a family member and went for my appointment. This time it all came out, all the things he had done and how he made me feel. I?d lost all my self-confidence, I felt worthless and like the useless mother he branded me daily.
I decided that was it. I went home and told him I?d had enough and I wanted some time apart from him. He happily agreed and left and went on a week long drug/alcohol binge. I think it was a relief for him and that he wanted to go anyway. The DC?s and I were so happy, the house was calm.
It didn?t last, he decided he wanted the house so we had to leave, he made sure in various ways that it was impossible for me to stay there and the DC?s and I moved out into a private rented house. He would not leave me be but didn?t want contact with the children. I got threats from him and his friends. He even got a girlfriend and I thought that would make him leave me alone but no such luck. He terrorised me constantly and turned up kicking the door and shouting abuse. He took away my car too. I also met someone else and things were going well but he was always trying to cause trouble. There was then an incident which the Police became involved in following him assaulting me whilst very drunk, a neighbour called the Police but I asked that the charges were dropped against him as all I could think about was the boys and he was their Dad. There were a number of Police incidents and Social Services then got involved.
As if he had not put me through enough he then decided to tell a solicitor that I denied him access to the children which was untrue. I had to spend all my money defending myself against vicious and pointless lies when all I wanted was for him to have a nice time with the boys, I was not interested in him and this seemed to make him even angrier.
3 years on, both of us have DC?s with our new partners, unfortunately there has been little improvement.
I?m typing this after a night spent crying, my oldest DC is in a bad state. Last week his Dad decided to tell him all about our break up, basically, I did all the wrong, he did nothing at all. I had an affair, I made stuff up to the Police (even though I never once called them and played it down to them), I ripped our family apart and he was devastated. I was so mad at him and tried to talk to him about it and tried to make him understand, in a very calm manner, that not only was this rubbish but not necessary for a child to hear. Then when he collected DC he said I was a p*k and he hated me more than anything in the world and then said I?ve got more to tell you when you are 18 and you will hate her. DC was upset last night and begging me to tell him but there is nothing to tell. He now says he doesn?t trust either of us as one of us is lying and he doesn?t believe either of us would lie to him.
I?m heartbroken, he is a child and should not be put in this position. I know where the lies are coming from but I can?t tell DC that his Dad makes things up. He was so sad this morning when he went to school and I?m sad that I can?t make him feel better. I can?t understand why exH wants DC to hate me and why now he has started bringing up what happened, he needn?t have lied about my injuries he could simply have not said anything, DC was not there and knew little about it as I hid it all from him. At the time I said I?d fallen over and DC accepted that. He has even been telling him that we lost everything because of me, he sold my car and was not paying the mortgage on our home even though we had a solictor agreement (suggested by his side) that he paid that and I received no child maintenance. It suited him at the time as he got lodgers, his mates in, however, once they got bored of the parties and trashing the house they stopped paying rent and moved out.
My problem is that I don?t stand up for myself, I?ve heard people saying things about me and all this and I say nothing. Its one thing not defending yourself but I can?t even defend my DC now and it is heartbreaking.
Despite what I put up with from him and how many times I forgave and forgot I feel guilty every day that our family broke up, it was the last thing I ever wanted to happen. I feel that?s it for me now and can?t see it getting better. He always said he would make me pay and he still is. I just want him to get on with his life and have a good time with DC.
If you have got this far thank you, I really appreciate it. Please can anyone help?