Talking about important issues from the past

[thetabbycat]

I had a really emotional day this weekend.

Basically I had a pretty awful childhood and was (what I thought) shoved from various relative to relative because my own parents had died or were seriously mentally ill. Social services, the police and mental health professionals all failed me.

Anyway, I had a bit of a revelation this weekend when talking to someone who looked after me and who I have only met again after 30 years. She was crying, I was crying, her husband and children were crying. But they were tears of happiness mixed in with "what ifs".

I was understandably a bit emotional on the way home and just wanted to talk to my partner about my childhood and what I had found out yesterday. In the end I was crying because my partner didn't want to talk about it. He kept changing the subject and talking about everyday stuff. I think maybe he wanted to "cheer me up" and didn't want my son to see me being emotional (he's a teenager) but I was comfortable with chatting to them both about it.

I thought when we got home, he would put his arms around me and give me a cuddle, make me a cup of tea and we could have a chat when son was out of earshot but he just carried on as normal, went and did some work, read the paper and had a shower. I went to bed crying last night and feeling very alone.

I laid awake thinking that I always felt like I was a "nuisance" to everybody when I was kid (through no fault of my own) and I have since found out that this simply wasn't the case.

I have had 3 long term relationships now and in all three I have taken on a lot of my partners issues and baggage. I have never been with a man who didn't have more everyday "problems" than me. I'm always there to talk things through and find myself getting stressed and upset because invariably their problems have affected me too. Even last night DP wanted to talk about his ex wife and the latest "issue" with his kids.

I suppose what I am wondering is if DP is just being a "bloke" and not very in tune with emotions and I should just accept that or if he is being insensitive and in his way, pushing my problems away so we can go back to concentrating on his?

Anyone?

Hi thetabbycat, looking at it from my DH point of view then yeah its possible that he is being a typical bloke as thats exactly what my Dh would and does do. He is far from sensitive and blocks problems or 'tries' to distract me from them, which IMO makes it 10 times worse.
I suppose I dont really have any advice as I cant even get through to my Dh -sorry. But Maybe sit down and say I will listen to your problems but you have to listen to mine 1st (not that you should have to iyswim but if it gets him to listen).
Sorry ((hugs))

Thanks for replying. X

Tabby A typical bloke I'd say, however, before I get accused of making a sweeping statement or generalisation, there are exceptions to the rule (not many to the pound though).

I personally have never had a partner who has sympathised (for more than 30 secs) or been remotely compassionate, but then maybe I set my expectations too high. I just don't think they think the same way we do, we are definitely wired differently.

Do you have 'girly' mates to give you the hugs/cuddles/tea/biscuits you want and need? I think that's the best road to go down IMO, however, you still need to let your DP know how you feel. If you want him to hug you and give you reassurance, then TELL him, they NEED to be TOLD, they don't read minds unfortunately (or is that fortunately ) they are mostly selfish buggers!

Oh dear, your dh let you down there, didn't he?

You're used to being in the role of listener and he's used to being the listened to, and this is obviously a pattern you've recognised. Probably because of you childhood of feeling a nuisance, you put yourself on the backburner and let your partner's life & problems become more important than yours. And these guys have been only too pleased to put themselves first and be rather selfish.

I think it's great that you've discovered some positives about your childhood and you need to build on these and rewrite your own history. Maybe look at counselling.

For your dh, tell him how hurt you were by his dismissal of what is going on for you and say you'd like to talk about it. If he won't be a listening ear for you, it's not just that he's a bloke - it's that he's selfish. All men are not like this.

I totally agree with buzzsore.

sorry you have felt so alone Tabby. Counselling would probably be a good idea to help you come to terms with your childhood.

Your dp may think its best you don't dwell on an unhappy past, or may not know how to handle you talking about it. Also, what you mainly want him to do is listen, not try to solve anything for you - this doesn't come naturally to lots of blokes.

I suggest that you tell him how upset you are, and spell out exactly what he can do to help you feel better. If he then chooses not to he is an ar$e imo.

Yes . Thank you. I kind of feel like the moment has gone and now I don't want to talk about it as it makes me feel vulnerable. Next time I will definitely ask for what I need and I am going to Look into counselling.

It may be better to tell him how you feel now that you have calmed down and are not "in the moment" because if you wait until next timethen you will be in an emotional state when you talk to your dp which is not ideal for good communication. Just a thought.
Look after yourself tabbycat

To call someone a typical bloke is very patronising. More likely he didn't know what to say and that is your cue to tell him you would just like him to listen to you while you share some memories of your childhood.