If you stayed together after his affair, what happened?

[wtfdoido]

Namechanged. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and it is long!

Just found out that my H had a text/phone affair for almost my entire pregnancy, baby is 6 weeks old. We only got married a couple of months before I got pg so for almost all of our marriage so far he has been unfaithful.

It was with an ex from years and years ago who is also married. I found the secret phone, that I hadnt had any idea about, when he bought it home from work and left it in his trousers. No idea why but as he knows I was doing washing and didnt bother to hide it I do wonder if he almost wanted me to find it. They texted back and forth with explicit messages, videos and photos of themselves, from atleast as far back as me being 9 weeks pg and possibly longer and from the texts, the only reason they didnt meet up for sex was because they couldnt work out shifts, their respective partners etc He maintains that he wouldnt have actually done anything, but how can I believe that?

He went off sex with me immediately I got pg and said that he didnt know why. He has now admitted that it was because he found the whole idea weird and didnt fancy me at all (thanks for that). I went through hell over that and I am so angry that not only did he take away that part of our marriage with no discussion with me and leaving me no choice but to put up with it, he also made sure that he was sorted out in the department by going elsewhere. He maintains that they didnt start texting til after I was pg, again I am not 100% I believe this but have no evidence to prove otherwise. It stopped just before she was born but they have been in touch since in a non sexual way, H says that they were just keeping in touch. The texts do seem to confirm that.

He has lied to me in the past and we have had some very rough times, although he has not cheated to my knowledge before, and this for me is the final straw. It isnt just the cheating but the fact that I was pg and it was a really hard time for me, I was very ill and he just withdrew emotionally and physically and went to someone else. I put alot of effort into talking to him and trying to make it easier for both of us, but he didnt want to know. It wasnt my first pg but it was his. They didnt have sex or even meet (she lives in another town) and the texts confirm that, but the fact that the same texts also seem to indicate that they wanted to meet and were going to if they could arrange it means it was more a case of a lack of opportunity that stopped him than any decision on his part.

He wants us to stay together, has cried buckets and said that he is sorry, blah blah, doesnt know why he did it although he thinks it was an ego boost and a bit of a kick back against suddenly having to be a responsbile husband and father. He said that he didnt think about it in terms of cheating as they had never met up but he admits that deep down he did know that what he was doing was wrong. He said he couldnt help himself at which point I went mad and said that yes, if he wanted to he could have stopped himself but he chose not to and to not try using that bullshit. I also pointed that as the person who had celibacy thrust upon with no choice and no discussion I had more reason to cheat but I still managed to keep my pants on.

So now I have to decide whether to stay or not.

I can either stay with a man who cheated on me when I was pregnant and didnt think enough of me and our unborn child and existing children to stay faithful. Or I can be a single mum on benefits (for the short term atleast) within 6 weeks of giving birth, some choice eh?

There was a real lightbulb moment today when I asked him what he wanted to happen and he said, "I want you to forgive me and we move on and have a fresh start" and when I said that I dont know if I will ever forgive him and that right now I am thinking 90% of leaving and 10% of staying and the 10% is because of money and the kids he was shocked. I dont think he genuinely thought that I would consider leaving him.

The problems is that I still love him although I hate his guts too, and I would quite cheerfully smack him shitless if I thought it would achieve anything. But up until last night we were the happiest we have been for a long time, our sex life had resumed, everything was great. For a short while I even considered pretending I didnt know about it so that we could carry on as we had been, but that only lasted about 30 seconds before I blew up! The kids would be heartbroken and there is of course also the issue of me managing alone which I know I could do, but frankly right now I dont really want to.


So after that essay, WWYD? And what was it like if you stayed after he had an affair? Did you get past it? Can you get the love back? Do you ever get the trust back? I have trust issues in the past that I worked through so I dont htink I will ever be able to trust him again after this, and surely you cant have a decent relationship without trust? Can it really work out after something like this?

[wtfdoido]

cjel

My heart goes out to you :(

But I agree with HerHissyness, start your own thread so that people see it, as it may not get seen so much on here.

Take care, I am thinking of you x

[cjel]

Thanks ladies your kindness has me in tears again,don't know how to start my own post, and also don't want pages of leave the bastard advice!! I have loads of rl support and know I could get house of my own in a flash if I wanted so don't feel trapped here. probably could do with munsnet support though as trying not to go on too much to rl friends in case i say loads of thing now and then do the opposite!!

[HerHissyness]

cjel - go to start a new thread in this topic at the top of this page and put in a title and create a 1st post.

You will be advised to leave him, because he (a) has betrayed you, (b) doesn't deserve you and (c) your mental health and wellbeing is suffering, visibly.

WHEN you realise that you are worth a million of him, and take the steps to rise above him and his tawdry life, you will see that you are no longer trapped, that you are happy, independent, content, safe and strong.

You need to maintain your dignity, staying with him at any cost, in spite of his disgusting treatment of you will rob you of what is left of your self esteem and undermine your dignity.

Get angry! It's your right to do so!

[cjel]

I am angry and know I have a right to be. I am training to be a counsellor and my mental health is very well taken care of. I I know all the stuff about being worth more etc but 30 years is a long time to chuck away if I don't want to!!! I am maintaining my dignity and have told him what I want. I am not trapped I am indepandant and safe, but leaving isn't always the right option.xx

[wtfdoido]

I think the problem with people saying "leave him" etc is that it is easy to say what another person should do when you are not involved. Its like problem pages, we all have the right answer when we read them.

But then out of the blue, your life is like the problem page and you realise that when emotions are involved it isnt that clear cut. Yes, in theory you should kick this sorry loser to the kerb, as should I. But these are men that we thought we knew, men that we have history with that precedes the affairs they have had/are having, and men that we have laughed with, cried with and loved. I am grieving the loss of that man, the man I thought he was and until I have done that I cant make a decision about where go from here

[Jemma1111]

Madabouthotchoc - I honestly think the reason some poster's may be against the OP trying to make her marriage work is not because they haven't been in this situation before themselves but more that they HAVE been in this situation. They know he is highly likely to cheat again.

I'm sorry OP that you've had this massive shock, you must feel totally crushed. However, I must say that I agree with others who say that you are best to cut your losses. Its disgusting how people betray their spouses, but what I find very concerning is that your H was deceiving you around the time he surely should have been at his most happiest what with a new wife and a new baby on the way.

I think its hard to forgive a one night stand, but if your H was cheating for months then I think the only reason he is sorry is because he was caught.

You deserve better!

[ike1]

Hi Lovely. I took my ex H back after he had an affair with my bf. We had counselling etc etc. Fast forward 10 years I discovered he had been cheating again. This time for 4 years during the time I was pregnant and also with another woman who he is with now. I feel that the likelihood of a cheater is that they will do it again and again and again.......Sorry.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Jemma - so you have been in this situation then?