My suspicions were right. Everything turned upside down and surreal

[soulkid]

Hi

I posted my story last week about my relationship breaking down but me keeping hope - here is a link to my post about where I was a week ago:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1249895-Is-this-what-splitting-up-forever-is-or-is-there-hope-Epic-tale

In a nutshell - been with partner 8.5 years, one 6 year old, 2 years ago I made a mistake and had a fling, partner found out, we worked it out last year, and then since February this year our relationship has spiralled. The last few months I was convinced he was having an affair, but he denied and denied blaming my mistake for him being so angry and hurt and our relationship falling apart and us being on a trial separation. I have been holding out hope and faith that we will make it through and laid my soul bare to make things work.

However the events of this week:

Wednesday - partner comes to house to do a bedtime for our son. He looks me in the eye for the first time to tell me that he doesn't love me, has no feelings for me and has moved on. This time I know he means it and I accept it, but I am still convinced there is someone else. He tells me that he met a girl for coffee last week and who he'd like to go out on a date with. I know he's moved on, and as much as my heart is breaking, accept it.

We tell our son that Daddy is moving out (heartbreaking........) Worst day of my life ever.

Thursday - Realise my partner docked his phone on the computer the night before. I find the SMS text back up file on the computer. Well.....I discover he HAS been having an affair, I discover texts with OW - they are in love, soulmates, can't wait to move in together, getting married, arranging nights out, arranging meeting in restaurants/bars, she's left her partner too and he knows all about it etc....

I was right. I knew!!!!!

I confront him. I get told off for invading his privacy (Ok, but come on I needed to know), and an apology, "oh yes sorry I should have told you".

I confront the OW to thank her for contributing to the downfall of my relationship. She's quite abrasive and self-righteous. I'm told they've only been together 4 weeks - hmmmm. In love soulmates getting married in 4 weeks. Sure.

Its been going on in the village I live in and they've been meeting at places where we go as a family. So upsetting.

Friday - Find out the name and number of OW ex-partner. Call him to piece together the timeline and get some closure. I knew he knew about them so I wasn't causing any trouble in that regard. He knew it was me before I introduced myself and said he hadn't known whether to call me or not for a few weeks because he didn't want to upset me. We had a civilised and helpful conversation to piece together the timeline, and aparently he was told 5 weeks ago by OW that she was leaving him for my partner.

10 minutes later I receive a call from OW threatening to report me to the police for harrassment and that she's going to lose her business!!!!!! What?????

1 hour later my ex partner arrives at home telling me I had no right to call OW's ex partner. OW is going to come after me because she's going to lose her business. Police have been called and will go to the school to advise that my child lives in a "volatile household". Again what?????

I then spend the rest of the day receiving texts from partner saying I'm disgusting and wait till I see the look on my family's faces after what I've done.

So throughout the course of the day I was threatedned by OW and my partner, accused of multiple criminal offences, accused of bitterness, being disgusting, reported to the police, in fear that the police would go to my son's school and then later on told that OW's partner was mental and would be coming after me and my son to get back at my partner and OW, so I couldn't sleep all night for fear that my house was going to get raided or something.

I'd just like to explain that I'm just a normal mum, a professional individual, living a quiet life in a quiet village in the middle of nowhere. OK, I've had some problems in my relationship (who hasn't) and I made a mistake 2 years ago. But this??? Its completely surreal.

Now, my partner's family have completely changed their tune with me (me, the mother of their grandchild who they've known for 8.5 years as a nice girl and a good mum) because they're all worried about poor OW, her mental partner and OW's business. An OW they didn't even know existed until 2 days ago.

My partner's even saying its his mum who recommended OW should report me to the police for harrassment. I don't believe that for one second. But it just demonstrates what a complete farce the last few days have been.

So, interesting introduction to partner's new girlfriend. And this is just day 1.

My family and friends have completely supported me and think he's lost the plot.

Anyway, if that wasn't bad enough, I'm now trying to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life has definitely left me and our adorable son, and do all the things which come with having to dismantle 8.5 years of memories, investment, hopes and dreams. On my own. And keep smiling for the sake of my son.

I'm sure some of you might think I've bought this on myself for making a mistake 2 years ago, but I fought tooth and nail to turn my relationship around, and I thought we had made it, we were good last year. Even in the darkest times of the last few months, I kept hope, and laid my soul bare throughout to make sure our family stayed together and to give our relationship the best chance of surviving.

Oh god, I'm really sorry. Your current situation sounds so horrible. I hope this intitial shock, fall-out and bizareness will calm down soon though, surely it must do.

I remember your previous thread, and unfortunately am not hugely surprised that your ex was lying about the reason he left ie. the extent of his involvement with the girl he previously said was just a close friend.

I know it must be hard, but I'd try to avoid further contact with the OW now you've got the initial anger off your chest by confronting her. She lacked common decency in starting a relationship with your DP while you were still together, but ultimately she didn't owe you anything. You have to direct your anger towards your DP and not her. He was the one you made marriage vows with.

How has the OW's business suddenly been put at risk through anything you have done? What is the supposed logic there? It seems totally bizarre. What form exactly did your "confrontation" take?

I certainly don't think you brought this on yourself, and I don't think you should be thinking that either. By all accounts, you made a mistake, had the strength to stop it before it went too far AND to be honest with your husband about it and accept full responsibility for what you had done. Your DH on the other hand appears to be refusing to admit that he has now behaved badly himself, is certainly not being honest about anything and trying to place all responsibility on you, even for things that you could have no feasible responsibility for (eg. OW's business FFS?)

@ riverboat My confrontation with her was probably quite textbook "thanks for contributing to the downfall of my relationship and breaking up my little boy's world" and a but of name calling. It just went completely over her. I think her ex partner owns a business with her and she's worried about that. Not my concern at all though!! I've just lost my family!!

I agree, it doesn't sound like you told the OW's partner anything he didn't already know anyway. Their business should be the last of your concerns.

I meant: did you confront her in person (in public or in private) or by phone/email?

I'm sorry you are going throu this.

The only thing i would do is go to a solicitor and get a divorce, sort the finance out and child contact and maintaince. Then tell him when he can see your son and that you want nothing to do with him , his family or the OW. Tell him you dont care about him anymore and you no longer have to hear about his problems. If he contacts you again, you will only discuess child access and nothing else. You dont have to open the door to him and if he is nasty on the phone hang up.

It sounds as if you have all the answers you need and can move on with healing now.

OK, Ok, back up a bit.

You have done nothing wrong. OW's P already knew over a month ago, so you were not dropping OW in it.

If she loses her business because she can't keep her knickers on where you H is concerned, perhaps she ought to have thought about it before embarking on the affair. None of this is YOUR responsibility. NONE OF IT!

You can not be done for harassment. Your P and his OW can though. Don't you dare allow them to intimidate you. They have no moral authority here. You have abusive texts! You have proof, they don't.

SS will be well aware of OW's tactics where DC are concerned. If they want to go to the school and explain themselves to the teachers, let them. All you have to do is stay calm, and tell the truth. Hold onto your dignity, don't let that go ever. The truth will out.

Smile and nod at them. His family back HIM and her against you? cut them off. You don't owe them a thing.

Don't let these people get you down.

@ riverboat - it was just on the phone. Fool that I am I even texted her afterwards to apologise for shouting at her on the call but obviously I was in a state of shock. I was thinking if she is going to be part of his life in the future I'll need to get on with her at some point so I wanted to clear the air. How mad am I?

@msewe Thank you yes, the information as horrible as it has been is helping me to move on.

What career/vocation is this? Is she the local vicar?

She's being extreme and flinging mud like crazy. Your DP is joining in cos it's much better to find lots of stupid things to blame you about than actually take responsibility for his affair. I don't blame you at all for the text and contacting the OW's husband but they are going to use this and 'forget' their behaviour.

You have to keep calm externally to them even though your life is spinning around and feels like it is falling apart. Do not respond to any texts. File the texts away and any emails etc.. If DP phones you, calmly tell him that when the mud has stopped being flung then you talk to him about the children.

I would have a quiet calm word at the school to Head Teacher that life for your children and you is currently an utter shambles, that your DP has another woman who is making life very difficult for you and may involve the school.

Yes, do make sure you document all the exchanges between you. Keep emails and text messages - they sound utterly loopy and in denial about how bad their behaviour has been. I agree you need to get some legal advice too.

No way is any of this your fault. The fling you had is irrelevant. If you had been OK for a while, before this, then this is all your P's doing. Besides it may be a cliche but 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Have you changed the locks and that sort of thing? You don't want him wandering in any time he likes just to have a go.

OK, I was thinking that for them to be trying to pin blame on you for sabotaging the business you must have confronted her at work or at least in public, but come on! A phonecall and then an apologetic text is her getting off lightly in my opinion, you have nothing to apologise for there and I cannot even IMAGINE how they are trying to work that up into harassement and threats.

Agree with others who have said it sounds like they are just seeing things the way they want to see them, ie they are deep in denial about the responsibility they should be taking for the current state of affairs. There will probably be no reasoning with them, I expect they really do believe their twisted version of events, so just disengage, stay calm and don't respond.

You had an affair OP so this 'love of my life' business is total bollocks. What goes around comes around. End of.