Just wrote a massive post, computer died, not sure I have the strength to do it again....
Here goes. I was at the GPs having a review of ADs a couple of weeks back. I was explaining that I was struggling with something I have to do to my sweetest little DS2 - he recently had a stoma reversal and I have to do anal dilations every day 
GP asked me if it was raking up memories for me & I suddenly felt that it was. I have never, ever in my life thought this before but it felt like the truth. I don't have any specific memories though & I'm going a bit crazy not knowing if it happened or if it's a false memory type thing.
Since then I've seen her again & at one point in the conversation when I was describing a wierd fantasy I had as a pre-teen (which I stopped having once I was old enough to know it was wrong but I felt disgusted with myself for ever thinking it) she asked if I thought I'd witnessed the scene. I had a very physical reaction to this, a real jolt, shivers down my spine, crying & shaking. This in particular is worrying me.
As I say, I don't remember anything specific happening but I do have slightly wierd/ uncomfortable feelings around certain people/places. I also have vague memories involving an older girl. Just her face & hair. It would explain how much I've struggled with sex/sexuality when I was growing up. I was always paranoid that people thought I was a lesbian even though I never thought I was gay or that there is anything wrong with being gay! I was just like I felt I had a dirty secret that I must keep from people.
Until I met my husband (when I first starting taking ADs) I was pretty much 'frigid'. I had tried to have sex a couple of times but couldn't (vaginismus). I was too scared & embarassed around men to have a relationship. I was petrified of sex, actually.
I've also had a difficult relationship with my mum. She is a lovely person & we get on quite well now but I do judder a bit when she tells me she loves me (she's only started doing this recently). I didn't trust her when I was growing up & hated her as a teenager. GP asked me if it could be because she put me in a situation that turned out not to be good? I think it could have happened at my grandma's/auntie's flat because I have vaguely bad feelings around being there too...I wonder if I saw something there or something happened to me at the hands of one of my auntie's friends? Oh, I don't know. I would explain a lot, but I can't yet think it really happened because I can't remember anything...
Sorry, this is so long. My head is spinning.