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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know it's stupid but....

17 replies

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 14:45

I'll try to be brief.
I met my DP eight and a half years ago and we instantly clicked and started something on the first day because it felt so natural. For two years we were happy but on the odd occasion he would tell me he wasn't ready for settling down and on very, very rare occasions we would have the "maybe we should take a break" conversation but neither of us could bare it.
We met at uni and lived together for one year, then I had to move away in the second year but we saw eachother every weekend and spoke all the time.
At the end of two years we had a row, over something stupid and my DP ended things. We always kept in touch and on and off and occasionally spoke about getting back together but he was living the single uni life and after 18 months I was trying to make a crap relationship with someone else work, but ended this after a year.
Anyway, after three and a half years we were both single and couldn't take being apart any longer so we got back together and it was very quickly as great as before we had split up. My DP moved in and we are now expecting our first baby!
ALL LOVELY AND A HAPPY ENDING BUT:
During our first two years my DP would tell me about his previous relationships and his "first love". He would go on and on and on and on about her, which drove me mad because, although he said they never had a relationship as such and our love was real, I couldn't take the thought that he was still hankering after her. I'm also very jealous of every woman my DP fancies and the conversations about his past women, first shag etc drove me crazy.
Since getting back together things have been great and he calls me the love of his life etc, but the jealousy from before has driven me crazy and I can't get over how obsessed he used to be by his first love (miss totally perfect in every way) and his first shag!
I've found their pictures on the internet and I must admit this has made me worse. I can't stop thinking about him with them.
Recently his sister has been getting in touch with old friends and these two women have asked for my DP's contact details. I'm now going nuts. What if he still wants his first love and.....
I know I'm crazy but don't want to talk to someone about this. What should I do?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 08/07/2011 14:51

Just to clarify: is the first love one of the two women who have asked for his contact details? Not that I actually think it matters either way, you're the love of his life, you're real, you're having his baby (congrats btw!). It was first time round that he used to talk about her, wasn't it? Does he ever even mention her these days? No, because he's grown up and realised that he's got The One, i.e. you. Don't give her another thought!

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 14:54

She is!! and thank you FetchezLaVache. I know you're right and he doesn't talk about her at all now.
Just constantly feeling inadequate to the memory of her!!
Will try to stop!

OP posts:

UnhappySpinster · 08/07/2011 14:57

Ok, I think the first thing you should do is breathe.....

He's being a bit of an arse going on and on about other women especially if you're the jealous type (or just with him). Have you told him how this makes you feel? I think it's ok to talk about past loves and romances but not if it's causing you such distress.

I think you need to tell him that his sister wants to put them back in touch and tell him your worries. He'll probably want to chat or meet up and I guess you have to trust the fact he wants to be with you and your child. And I think meeting with her is not necessarily going mean anything more than just a drink and catching up. If all that makes you feel totally insecure, you do need to tell him.

I do believe if you forbid or deny the contact, it could make it worse in the long run.

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 15:00

I have told him when we were together before that I didn't like him going on about her and told him recently (when he heard she wanted contact) that I was unhappy about it... he told me to stop being silly because she was insignificant now.
BUT what if he meets her and all the old feelings come flooding back?
I know I can't stop him having contact with her and I wouldn't try but I really do just want to cry right now thinking about it.
I KNOW I'M BEING STUPID!

OP posts:

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 15:01

He really was totally obsessed with her and told me about virtually every time she was near him and it felt like electricity!!

By the way, thank you UnhappySpinster!

OP posts:

Reality · 08/07/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tethersend · 08/07/2011 15:04

This happened to me when I was pregnant. Hormones took over.

He does not sound like a man obsessed with his ex- he had plenty of time away from you in which to get back together with her... guess what? He didn't.

You are feeling anxious about so many things, and this is simply an issue to 'hang' all the anxieties on IYSWIM. Or it was in my case.

tethersend · 08/07/2011 15:05

Oh, and yes, I would let him know you would not be happy for them to meet up.

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 15:08

Thank you tethersend. I'm sure that's right. I'm crying at everything at the moment and totally obsessing over this first love of his.

In answer to you, Reality, he doesn't go on about her anymore but when we first got together he spoke about her because she still thought she was great and perfect etc, but she never felt the same and I think he was still getting over her five years after it all happened!!!

OP posts:

tethersend · 08/07/2011 15:12

Aw, don't worry... how far along are you?

You were both very young when you met, and people do talk about their first loves at that age... a lot changes in eight years. He is about to have the deepest emotional experience of all -becoming a parent- with you.

Have you talked to him about it?

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 15:14

I have tried to talk to him and he tells me I'm being stupid and she means nothing anymore compared to what we have, but then I can't help but go on and on and he starts to get frustrated and calls me controlling!!!!
I know I should just let this all drop but I can't for some stupuid reason.

I'm 24 weeks!

OP posts:

tethersend · 08/07/2011 15:15

I think you should write it all down in a letter to him. Up to you whether you give it to him or not, but you are allowed to be irrational right now as you are growing another human being inside you, and he needs to know that.

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 15:18

That's a good idea, thank you. I'll do that tonight and try to stop obsessing.

I keep looking at her facebook pictures and thinking how pretty, tall, and slim she is, which doesn't help at the min because I'm looking like a beached whale!!
I know, I'm being totally stupid!

OP posts:

tethersend · 08/07/2011 15:22

You're not being stupid- you are afraid he won't love you any more. It's the fear that is real, not the situation.

The good news is, you won't feel like this forever.

Oh, and congratulations BTW

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 15:23

Thank you so much tethersend feel a lot calmer now.
Thank you.

OP posts:

tethersend · 08/07/2011 15:28

Let me know how you get on

Original poster

AlwaysfeelIiadequate · 08/07/2011 15:31

Will do.

OP posts:

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