Dp constantly squabbling with dd, I don't know what to do

[Paintinmyhair]

It has been getting worse and worse since dp and I met 2.5 years ago. Dp now lives with us, and does love dd, but is constantly squabbling and nit picking at her. Dd is 7, and is starting to dislike him. He is fine as long as I'm stressed and feeling shouty (so that he can then be good parent), but the rest of the time she can't do anything fast enough, well enough etc. He admits that it is because he forgets that she is only 7, but it is getting all of us down. If dd yells back at him he gets very immature, and regresses to a teen in his argument/"authority". We are due to get married soon, and don't know what to do to help him. He is a nice man, but is causing such friction.

Not getting married doesn't necessarily mean breaking up with him, does it? Can't you just be boyfriend/girlfriend for now? I think that's often better when young children are involved. It seems weird to me to expect him to be a parent to her and 'love' her, when you've only been together a couple of years. Being your partner doesn't automatically make him her dad.

Anyway, just trying to tell you what to do, just to say that you do have options, and you need to take control of your life and make sure you're not being swept along into a situation you don't want.

Well, it's positive that he's willing to try parenting classes. I think ask him to step back a bit from the discipline and let you lead. He also needs to be more patient.

If he can't bite back his impatience he should be sent to the naughty step - I mean really, he needs to either take a few deep breaths and remind himself: she is a 7 year old child - they have short attention spans - they do forget things. It needs to be his mantra. Perhaps you could have a code-word or silly joke you use to defuse situations and get him to back off.

There are defo no feelings of foisted-ness there, he just gets frustrated. And, like most adults, finds it hard to re-connect to his inner 7 year old, so forgets how she may be feeling or her levels of capability and mental attitude. He is more than happy to be around her and spend time with her, and often plans spontaneous outings to make sure we are spending time with each other as opposed to being stuck in the house/at the cinema-together but not talking.

He has just admitted that he was also looking into parenting programmes, but didn't want to book in case I felt that he was judging my parenting, so his name is down already. He has only been living with us properly for 6 months (although he did see us daily up to that point), so this really is new ground for him. And he has always, right from the start, attended all parents meetings, plays, important assemblies, gym shows, swimming, ballet shows. He is very involved, and does not see her as a nuisance. We both just need the bit of help we need to see eye to eye.

Am feeling much more positive now he has admitted looking into classes too. Am giggling at the fact that for two months "date night" will be parenting classes! We barely ever get to go out as sitters are a little scarce, so it will seem very exciting!

I think this is all very sound advice, thank you all. I will ask him to leave the discipline up to me, and he can just relax and be the fun one (and the one that helps her with computer games on a Saturday morning, they make me see the red mist!). He does a wonderful job of being the chilled out one, as I am much more of an organiser and do-er, so I think that is where his strengths lie until we are fully comfortable with our roles.

It's good that he is so keen on learning how to parent properly and that he recognises that he is at fault, but make sure that in the heat of the moment he realises that too, so that he doesn't lash out at her so much, maybe have a "code word" that you can use if you think he's being too heavy handed? That way it won't "undermine" him as such?

So he obviously thinks you need parenting classes too, how do you feel about that?

I wouldn't have thought that letting him be the "fun one" was that good of an idea.. what you need to do is get him to be more laid back and share stuff with you, rather than him being an older brother type figure..

He doesn't need to withdraw from discipline completely, he just needs to back you up. You take the lead and he can then act consistently with that. You need to have a united front otherwise DD will play you off one against the other.

I cannot financially or emotionally manage another break-up at this point in my life

Why is that? Are you ignoring red flags in your relationship because you don't feel you can make it on your own? Far better to hit the brakes and take a long cool look at this man for the sake of your DD. I wouldn't be 'giggling' at the thought of parenting classes I would be thinking very seriously about the future of myself and my DD. You are the only one who can protect her and there are some unhealthy signs IMHO:

DD & DP constantly squabbling
DP nitpicking @ DD
DD disliking him/yelling at him
DD can't do anything fast enough
DD can't do anything well enough
DD can't do things she wasn't taught (lay table, no stabilsers etc)
DP is immature - regresses to teenager
DP is causing friction
DP needs to stop turning on her when stressed
DP criticises your parenting skills
DP won't listen to me
DP asks DD with force
DP doesn't give DD time to act
DP 'flips' out of shouty temper and goes calm (MASSIVE RED FLAG)

The above is all taken from your own words - maybe you should start paying attention. You say you don't want to leave for behaviour that can be altered but that is betting on potential not the actual reality that is facing you - and with a DD to care for and protect that is what you need to focus on.

You are making excuses for DP's different upbringing but happily accepting his criticisms of DD not laying a table without being asked at 7?? Shouldn't he be accepting of her different upbringing (and the fact that she is a CHILD) without being asked? He is an adult presumably. It sounds like he is trying to force his way of doing things on everyone - i.e. control freak (another BIG RED FLAG). Your DD's behaviour is trying to tell you something - listen to her. Just because DP is nice sometimes doesn't make everything OK. Your parenting skills are already being attacked - this is the sort of stuff that wrecks your self esteem without you even being aware of it.

I would slow things right down until you are absolutely certain that all issues have been resolved (and remember abusers know how to 'play nice' when it suits them). If he's behaving like this now what is he going to be like when your housing/finances are tied together and there are more DC's in the picture? You may think it's difficult to end a relationship now but it will be much harder in the future and you may end up having to spend hours reading online to find out just what you got tangled up with - like so many others - read the emotional abuse threads!

Sorry for such a long post but I am concerned that you may be letting DP off the hook a bit too easily - his behaviour is very worrying.

6 months is a very short time for your DP and DD to learn to live in harmony. However much she likes him, DD may resent him telling her what to do and DP will be making loads of parenting mistakes as 1) it's fairly new to him and 2) he doesn't know your DD that well. So, yes, parenting classes would be really helpful and it's great that he's prepared to try this. Also, going together will make sure you are both 'on the same page'.

In the meantime, it can be useful to agree your household rules with your partner and the consequences of breaking a rule, then sit down as a family and explain it to your daughter.

If he wants your DD to do something, for example, the rule could be he asks once, then walks away. If DD doesn't respond there will be a consequence (that you have both previously agreed). There is no discussion, or argument, or shouting involved.

Perhaps she could have a daily 'job' and maybe have some pocket money, or extra TV time, for helping out.

Lots of praise for her efforts can also work wonders.

I believe this relationship could work BUT he has to be the adult here and if he gives up trying, or continues to try to bully your DD into doing what he wants, I personally would not be able to tolerate that childish behaviour. (Not attractive either, is it) and I would have to end it.

I do hope that this all works out for you and your DD. Good luck with the parenting classes.

I always knew I could never be a step parent, helps that as yet I don't have to think about it, but I KNOW that my dcs come before myself and my needs to have a relationship.....

I don't think I could love anyone who was a shit to my daughter.

She is 7, why the hell would you think she should remember to lay the table without being asked? She's not a house elf! If you have trouble with her remembering to do more basic things she needs to do, you can make a laminated checklist that she can use and tick things off, then give rewards for e.g. each week she gets a certain number of ticks, but punishing or telling her off is unfair and pointless. He has to realise his own role as a child carer was not normal, and not expect the same of her, as it was clearly unhealthy (psychologically) for him to be expected to do so much at a young age- unless he realises this he's not going to be able to parent properly.

There are lots of resources online about parenting positively rather than aggressively, if you google for them. Also her school, local social services or health visitors would be able to tell you about parenting classes.

From my own personal experience- my mum's partner used to go mad at us if we didn't do things like offer to wash his car, or if we put the stereo on without asking. My sister and I both thought he was a horrible nutter as a result. My sister now won't talk to my mum any more. Her partner has, since we left home, tried to isolate my mum more and more from her own friends, and it's really not normal IMO. I think the over-disciplining and unrealistic expectations are quite a big red flag, though if he's willing to work on them it needn't be a dealbreaker of course.