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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should I tell OW husband about their affair

43 replies

lifeshock · 07/07/2011 11:09

Hi
A bit of advice appreciated (Again!!!)
After months of lies and denials I have now found out for definite that my marriage split up because of his affair with another women. It is just a typical cliche him saying no-one else was involved and then they were just good friends (me even thinking he was having some kind of breakdown and feeling sorry for him). We recently got back together and were trying again when he finally admitted it was an affair and he was still seeing her. I have finished the relationship for good now.
Now the other women and her husband are friends of ours we have been for drinks as couples and live quite close to each other. The other couple have two little girls. They are still together.
My first instinct has always been not to tell him as I don't want to be the one to break up his family. My friends and mum are screaming at me to tell him. Why am I covering for her etc. Recently I have been feeling that I want to tell him, especially when I see them together still playing happy families and my family is in tatters. I am especially tempted because I know he is sneaking round when her husband goes out.
Is it wrong to tell him? Am I just being a bitter cow who wants to ruin someone's happiness? What would you do?
Thanks

OP posts:

SirSugar · 07/07/2011 19:15

Lachesis, whose to say he doesn't already know? And, two wrongs don't make a right. Have some dignity and stay out of it, it will serve you better in the future

SirSugar · 07/07/2011 19:25

And make it abundantly clear to everyone that you don't want to be involved if they are screaming for you to do it; and cut contact with OW and her man if you still have any.

Tell your XH how disgusting you think he is and have at least some respect by not parading his dalliance in front of you.

Take full control of yourself and rise above it; realise that you can never be sure what the hell is going on with your now XH, OW and her DH.

lachesis · 07/07/2011 19:32

The OP didn't do anything wrong.

There's nothing dignified in keeping the truth from someone.

I'd want to know. I'd be furious if I found out everyone knew but me. It'd be like being humiliated even more.

SirSugar · 07/07/2011 19:34

I didn't say the OP did anything wrong

Original poster

lifeshock · 07/07/2011 19:35

Right have weighed up all the advice and am going to go with my gut and not say anything. I think I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons and would be hurting him (her husband) for spite and wanting to hurt her. Although I really don't blame anyone else who has done the same, it is just not for me at the moment.
I am just so sick of the drama in my life and this would open a whole new can of worms. What I will do is threaten my ex that I may tell and am still deciding. That way he can stew for a bit and she can get a bit worried (if either of them have a conscience) I am pretty sure it will all get out eventually anyway.
Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

lachesis · 07/07/2011 19:37

Nor is it wrong for her to tell the husband.

It's telling someone the truth, the truth his wife is trying to hide from him to prevent him from doing what he thinks is best, or even from moving on to find someone who isn't a cheat.

If the OP feels what is best for her to be able to move on, too, is to tell the truth, then she shouldn't feel guilty for doing so. She's not doing wrong by doing that, the people who cheated took care of that.

SirSugar · 07/07/2011 19:57

OP I think in the long run you will feel better by taking that course of action. Yes people should understand the truth, but it generally always comes out anyway.

And sometimes, you tell people the truth, they don't want to hear it and turn on you.

Just because OW and her DH play happy familys in public you just don't know what goes on behind their closed doors

maleview70 · 07/07/2011 20:11

My view when somebody does this to you is to just move on. Make a better life for yourself and show your ex that he has made a huge mistake. That's what I did. My ex had an affair and when I found out I moved out and moved on. I find it very easy to fall out of love when someone treats me like shit. I got myself a new job on more money, a nice sports car and had 3 fantastic years Having fun before settling down again. There are plenty of other people in the world.

Her husband will find out eventually.

Original poster

lifeshock · 07/07/2011 20:16

Thats the way I feel as well maleview
Initially I was devastated when we first split, then I picked myself, got in touch with old friends, went out a lot. Eventually I started dating again to quite a nice guy but I think I was just forcing myself because I felt like I was going through the motions with him.

After I had been seeing this guy a few weeks my exh met me, said he still loved me and I stupidly got back together with him. Fast forward a few weeks later when I found out the truth.
Now I just feel like moving on. It feels a lot easier second time around and this time I am going to completely cut him from my life.
I don't even feel in a rush to find someone else like I did last time as I know I would just be doing this to prove some kind of point which I don't need to do now

OP posts:

maleview70 · 07/07/2011 21:44

That's the spirit ! You sound like you are an intelligent woman, have lots of friends and as already proven are attractive to other people. You are more than half way there already :)

You will be doing the right thing by leaving it and you will be glad in the long run. Enjoy your new found freedom!

AnyFucker · 07/07/2011 21:57

LS, you sound like a wonderful person

you deserve to be happy

and throwing yourself back into their maelstrom of shit isn't going to do that

leave them to it...their life is shit, yours is not

FabbyChic · 07/07/2011 22:37

Tell him he deserves to know, it is unfair. What is happening is she is sleeping with her husband and your husband how is that right?

Anybody being cheated on deserves to know.

Mollydoggerson · 07/07/2011 22:50

I'ld tell, by not telling you are supporting the web of lies.

Support the good guy not the bad guy. I'ld just tell him what I know and let him decide what to do after that.

DariusVassell · 07/07/2011 23:55

I could no longer stand back and collude in someone's sexual health being compromised, but it sounds like you've made your mind up and you have peace with that.

I wonder what story your H and OW have concocted for the H about why your marriage broke up? I'm guessing the same bullshit he fed to you for all these months? I'd credit the H with the savvy to ask the most obvious question when a man suddenly abandons his marriage - "Who's the OW?"

So, if her H were to approach you, what would you say then?

TheOriginalFAB · 08/07/2011 07:26

My DH wanted to tell the wife of the man I had an EA with as he didn't see why he should be the only one hurt. I persuaded him not too. Now I am in two minds but I think staying quiet was the right thing to do. Your situation is different so why not mess with his head like he has yours and tell him you are considering telling her husband? Of course he could already know and be staying for his children.

Original poster

lifeshock · 08/07/2011 09:06

Thanks again for some really interesting perspectives on this.
I don't think there is an easy answer to this and have to do what is best for me, this may sound selfish but have to think of the effect on me and my children if the shit hits the fan again.
I actually think he will find out soon anyway, from what I know my exh is sneaking round to the house everytime he goes out. Surely this will get back to him, that way I am not directly involved.
As well as hurting the other guy I am also worried my ex might get nasty and stop paying maintenance if I tell he has threatened as much.
God he is a idiot I wish him and her lots of bad karma

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/07/2011 10:15

You really are doing the right thing by staying out of it. Someone else will tell the H sooner or later I expect. But you doing it will only lead to more stress for you, which you don't need and don't deserve.

londonartemis · 08/07/2011 11:23

I agree to say nothing.
He may know already - and is dealing with it, and actually, their marriage is not really your business.
If he doesn't know, he will find out sooner or later anyway and your silence will earn you more respect.
You will not be blamed for being the bearer of bad news or causing upheaval in their marriage with the news and have more shit/stress/fallout to deal with.
Sounds like your exDH is still at it, in which case he'll get caught out himself without you having to get involved.
Also agree with earlier poster that five years down the line, I think you will be pleased with yourself for fighting off the temptation for what is really revenge, albeit justifiably felt!

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