Should I just shut up?

[helensays]

This really isn?t a huge marriage ending problem but I?m bloody fed up. My DH works away sometimes generally a couple of times a month, sometimes more. This doesn?t really bother me and sometimes when he is away he will go out for a drink with a friend at the away office and they will stay in the pub until kicking out time and this too doesn?t bother me because they don?t see each other much and its something for my DH to do.

The thing that is irritating me is when he goes away for work and other people from the office here also have to go away because they will go out drinking until kicking out time and if they?re up there for a few nights they will go out and get shit faced every night their away. The company doesn?t pay for the drink and when he?s at home he doesn?t want to go out like that with me and if I suggest going out he makes a fuss and then if we do go out he yawns and wants to go home.

I feel like if when he?s at home he doesn?t want to go out with me, who does he work with that?s so special that he wants to stay out all night with?

I get that being away can be dull so if they went out for a meal and a few drinks I could understand that but it?s the staying out until kicking out time is annoying me and when I said to him, he just over reacts and says well I won?t go out then at all. which means he will make a big fuss and let everyone he works with think I?m a bitch not letting him play with his friends. I think he fancy?s one of the girls he works with because everything he says about her is that she bloody fantastic and everything she says is the gospel according to H!

Sorry for the rant, I think I just wanted to get it all out.

He is a very good, we put the children to bed together, he gets up in the night if DD needs it and I get up with DS. He helps with meal times, plays with them when he gets in from work and I?m as soon as he?s walked through the door. We work very well as a parenting team and we?re best friends.

I think I just want more effort from him about things with us, because he moans if we have to go out anywhere but it doesn?t seem to be a problem with work.

I don?t think we need councelling but we need to talk but I think I will have to explain that he can?t shout at me if we?re going to talk and explain to him what I need.

beware "mentionitis"

ganshee, just because someone mentions another person's name a lot does not preclude them having (or wanting) an extramarital relationship with them

I agree with aislingorla on this thread

and in answer to your thread title, helen, no you should not "shut up" just because your husband has a temper tantrum when you have questioned his behaviour

I say that would be all the more reason to examine the rest of your relationship

what he is doing (and mainly his reaction to you attempting to discuss your discomfort with it) is out of order

Helen,
My impression is that the pub is his sanctuary for his 'me' time. As sanctuaries go, that's his space away from you. And that is an ok (not great being the pub and that you'd enjoy it with him) thing to do.

Also, if I were a boss and my employee got drunk in the pub to closing time every night with me...yes, it is fun in the moment, but I just don't think it is going to reflect well on your dh to do that every time. Maybe once, last evening, per trip. If he demonstrates some self control and a desire to be sober/functioning the next work day, he would score more responsibility points than drinking the man who signs his paycheck under the table every opportunity. The peer pressure as suggested-but to just blindly go along is a sign of weakness of character, imho.

But I think things run a little deeper here too.

Octopus has a point with examining how your dh is liking the fatherhood and family man role. It appears he hasn't shifted gears yet and by ignoring going out with you, has actually gone into reverse, I think.

The tactic of saying "Well, I just won't go out at all then" is that: a tactic of engagement to get his own way by making you the bad guy. It is a juvenile thing to say. It is disrespectful to you. The tantrum: same thing. He is acting like a little boy.

Talking on about a female coworker is being disrespectful to you as well, whether or not he has feelings for her. It is a subtle, indirect way of putting you down.

If I may suggest two talking points for your next 'discussion':

1. He needs to respect you.
2. He needs to grow the f*#k up.

As to going out with him...just an experiment: think what a 10 yo would want to do and suggest that. An arcade!

xpost there Helen. I am glad he is engaged with your dc.

I have some new developments ... my DH has been quite good recently I told him that I was going to leave him if things didn't change. he has started being quite good, he made a real effort and we went out for diner and he started talking about how he would arrange it so that we could do it more often and we had a really nice grown up evening.

and today I arranged to meet a friend for lunch and shopping and he has just text me to say that he has taken the afternoon off so he can come too but now I can't decide if thats a good or bad thing.

Tell him your fine with just your friend thanks...

Seriously, who needs a hanger-on for lunch and shopping - is he worried about what you will talk about?

Hmmm. This is a difficult situation for you, OP.

One the one hand, if I was him, I would object to someone telling me what time to be 'home' when I was away.

But on the other hand, he massively overreacted with the whole laptop throwing incident.

I certainly wouldn't want my DP coming out with me and my friend for lunch and shopping though!

From another perspective. I work away sometimes, and I'll often go out with colleagues or friends in that area while I'm away, meals, catch-ups, theatre, cinema etc. But when I'm at home I just want my family time and not going out. When I'm away it's my chill out adult time. At home, my family are more important.

BTW I am not saying your reaction is wrong - it is clearly getting on your nerves. I just wanted to put it from another side.

you tell him you are spending the afternoon with a friend and he books the time off work so he can come too ?

what is he frightened of ?

that is very strange

OP, I am also concerned about your phrase "he has been quite good". What is he ? A toddler, or a pet dog ?

Your husband should be treating you well, if he isn't then you need to say "shape up or ship out"

I am glad things are a little improved, but what is he doing to make sure his disrespect of you doesn't start to creep back in ? A couple of meals and out "being good" for a little while just doesn't cut it, sorry

"being good" doesn't sound very permanent, I am afraid

Hmmmm. This is ringing bells with me I'm afraid Helen

As far as I can see, his time at work, the evenings, when he goes out with colleagues is completely different in his mind to going out the pub with the lads at home.

I have a sneaky suspicion that he wants to come out with you so he can see how you behave whilst out.

I also have a feeling that he is projecting his guilt about something, onto you.

Why should he come with you when he has previously said he doesn't want to go out with you, very childish behavior.

Can I ask you how the rest of your relationship is? Sex wise? Has anything changed? I know that looking after two young children doesn't always allow for a physical relationship but have you noticed a difference in him?

I think that when he's out with work, he's having a great time, as himself. Not as your husband or a father, as himself and he doesn't want to shore that with you.

Sorry but I'd be digging deeper here.

MF, I agree with how you have taken this a step further

I have a sneaking suspicion too that he is frightened that a) this friend you are going out with "will put ideas in your head" and they won't be too complimentary about him. He wants to maintain control over that.

or b) he is projecting, has a guilty conscience and is scared something will come out about him

Just my thoughts. Possibly not true, but I cannot see any other reason for this sudden interest in accompanying you and your friend. sorry.

*share, not shore.

He did come out with me and my friend, my friend didn't seem that impressed at first but they get on so it was fine.

it was actually a nice day we all had lunch and when we went shopping my husband kept going off and looking at other stuff and meet us when we had finished looking at stuff so he wasn't with us constantly watching everyting I said and I even had enough space from him to tell my friend all about what had been happening.

I do think that he just heard that I was going to the pub (for lunch) and he was going to be stuck in work and when his meeting got cancelled this afternoon he just thought oh I could go to the pub too.

sex is fine we don't do as much as before we had our second child but when we do its always very good and he likes to make sure his doing a good job

I think I was a little worried when he said he was taking the afternoon off to come with us but I think its his way as well of trying extra hard to be with me. and on our way home this afternoon he started talking about how he liked going out the other night together and when did we think we could arrange another baby sitter so we could go out to the village pub / curry house!

after the whole lap top throwing thing a few days later I started talking to him about if things didn't change then I believe we're going to get devorced so I think this has shaken him a little and let him know that I'm just not going to take that sort of crap.