NOW MY DAUGHTER IS TRYING TO CONTROL MY LIFE!!!!

[loisebony]

Hi -please can someone give me sound advice...hope you have read other posts so you get what has been happening in my life?

Seperated from H (he has asperger tendencies) was all very nasty initially-EA, VA etc etc.....I was feeling very ill mentally at time as well due to stress of decision to sell house and rent. Been a difficult second marriage with step-kids-jealousies etc etc-they have all grown-moved away.

Here i am in rented house which I love and for first time in ages...very happy.

Work full time, have 15yo with me 13yo with Dad....works well.

WE are all much happier.

Daughter (26) living with me for a year to pay off debts which will happen in year.
She pays the council tax and buys own food. Rent is £700 per month.

She is TERRIBLE with money-earns well but spends-now owes me £1000! She is paying back every penny as wont let her get away with it.

My H and myself now have a reasonable relationship.....involved with boys etc/I have difficult teen so need support. Boys getting on with D well

He comes into house for coffee and chat sometimes-I go to his house for lunch at w/e sometimes.....it just feels so much better/calmer and good for boys (my daughter is from first marriage)

Have no intention of moving back together-it works well apart.

My DD is laying the law about H coming into house, about me seeing H , the way I am with my boys etc etc.....its getting me down!!

She is living cheaply I do not pry into the way she leads her life. She hates H because of problems that occurred.

I go from one problem to another.........now my DD who I love dearly is trying to CONTROL me -causing AN ATMOSPHERE in house etc.....

Please am i being unreasonable???????

Your DD is an adult and you need to readjust your relationship with her from mum to DC, to adult to adult. I think you need a serious talk about how you are now leading your life. You might need to reassure her that she is still loved and that you are now very happy with the way things are.

Set some boundaries with her about your right to lead your life as you wish (just as she has got), see who you want and bring up your children as you see fit. 26 is too old for a teenage type strop! But she still might need reassurance that she is loved and wanted after all the change you have undergone recently.

Certainly don't lend her anymore money, you are not doing her any favours and she needs to learn to live according to her income.

Bottom line is if she can't get on with you all she's got to find her own place!

Presumably she witnessed all the fallout of his emotional and violent abuse of you.

She's probably petrified you'll get back with him. Understandable I would have thought.

I am not really sure about this, but an idea which is what I would do I think, is just let her have the 1000 pounds as a present (I would love to do that for my children and would never mind at all) unless the problem there is that you desperately need it yourself. If you do that she may find it easier to move to her own place more quickly if living together isn't going well. And I agree with pickgo she may need reassurances about your love for her etc. I don't know about anyone else but even as an adult I can feel like a little girl again with my mother. I havn't seen your previous threads and don't know what issues she has with H so I can't comment on that, but she may need to know that she, too, is a priority of yours.

I'm with Jeremy, I wouldn't say she's trying to control you, I'd say she's an adult who witnessed what a relationship did to her own mother. Take a moment to see it from her eyes, she saw her mum near destroyed by a man who was her husband, that's a lot to take in as a kid growing into an adult.

I've taken on board eveything said....there is no way I will go back to H. I have 'gifted' her the money....I was thinking of it anyway...just would like to see her getting on with life too. I do love her dearly and tell her regularly x

I just caught up to see whether you left an update. I really hope all goes well for you and her and your family. Wishing you all the best.