DH ex keep's contacting him... and it's verging on stalker behaviour....

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DH's ex gf (he met her in 1998 and last time he saw her was 2004) keeps contacting him and its getting worse.

They were each other's first proper relationship, they were together 6 years before she then moved back to her native country in Asia.

She has always contacted him since I have known him mainly through email, with quite bland messages he ignored.

But about 2 years ago she started to write she wanted to visit the UK again so they should meet and she would come and stay with him.

So DH decided to reply (as she still has his address at the time and we were worried she would just turn up) obviously he made it clear that was inappropiate. She sent increasingly angry and abusive emails to him which he ignored.

So time goes by, we forget she even exists (luckily she never turned up!) then she starts texting him- just messages about missing him which DH ignored and he since changed his number.

Then about 6 weeks he got an email from her at work.

Now the thing is DH only started to work there 2 years ago so there is no way she knew his email from before. He ignored it but we were both worried as to how she tracked his work email down.

The IT department blocked her email as he did not want to be disturbed at work; or by her full stop.

Then yesterday she emailed him again using a different email address- it was along the lines of" I miss you so much, I know you wouldn?t reply but please do I can?t stop thinking of you"

However the really creepy bit was she said "oh I understand why you have ignored me now- congrats by the way!"

DH and I got married only late last year and we are currently expecting a baby (we have dc1 but she is his step daughter). I can only assume she is congratulating him on one of these events of marriage or pregnancy- but how on earth does someone living on the other side of the world know this?

She seems to go to any lengths to keep in touch and keep in his life.

Why is she doing this do you think? What is she trying to gain?

What should we do- we though ignoring her for two years would deter her but it's getting worse.

Help!

You need to check security on Facebook and send her an email AND text message telling her to stay away and stop contacting you DH. Then you need to change your H's email address and mobile phone number if possible. Hopefully she would not be able to contact him again after that, especially if she has already been blocked from his work email.

Why does she want him/us to be aware of her feelings or existence though?

Because I would suspect some sort of personality disorder to be behind this. That doesn't make her inherently dangerous, but it will make her behaviors and motivations incomprehensible to the pair of you while making perfect sense to her.

Does you husband remember her as being somebody who was a touch dramatic, prone to making a crisis or drama out of thin air, being very uncomfortable when deprived of attention, or anything else that was "off" that might point to her being a little impaired personality wise ?

"Does you husband remember her as being somebody who was a touch dramatic, prone to making a crisis or drama out of thin air, being very uncomfortable when deprived of attention, or anything else that was "off" that might point to her being a little impaired personality wise ?"

Yes he really has no fond memories of her really after the first two years. He said the first part of realtionship was ok then she turned really unpleasant. She started demanding he buy her things all the time. When I first moved in
to his house I was shocked at the contents of his loft & garage. There were boxes and boxes of clothes and shoes with tags on. The most weird thing was she made him buy three of identical things. Eg Same pair of jeans x3- one for everyday, one for best and for "just incase". Yet they all were brand new. She expected him to pay for all this to be shipped to Asia for her.

She also got a job in the same shop as him, with the same shifts to keep an eye on him!

Also she used to hate him having friends or hobbies.He said the end really was when she physically attacked him for playing a computer game! He knows he put up with too much rubbish. Though it was actually her that technically left him by moving in the end.

I also thought it was a bit weird when DH said last night that she demanded he dumped the girl he started seeing after her as she said he was still her partner!

I never paid too much thought to her but now this is all written down she is looking a little insane.....

I wonder if a call to non-emergency police may be a good idea, to see if they have a team that can advise on dealing with stalkers.

I remember watching something on the telly about some woman that fixated on a guy or his GF, and the police men said a stalker will try to contact you over and over and over. If it takes 100 phone calls, but you answer, your stalker will realise that in order to get you to react, the MINIMUM number of calls they need to make is 100.

See if you can get some informed advice. It may make a difference.

but now this is all written down she is looking a little insane.....

Well it is not a screaming advert of excellent mental health shall we say.

I think the only thing you can do in this situation is

1 Not respond. No matter how provoked. Attention is oxygen.

2 Keep records of anything else that comes in.

3 Alert the police of your concern and let them know you will be keeping track of "evidence" but want your complaint recorded from the onset.(if possible in the UK)

4 Remember that you have overwhelmingly good odds that she is more likely to be an annoyance than a threat.

5 But remain reasonably alert and aware.

Which is dead easy to say, but I can imagine not being a great comfort to you.

If you google her does anything come up that gives a strong indication that she is still in her home country ? (ignore if you have answered this already, not read all posts yet) You can put whole urls into google translate or c&p blocks of text to help you work out what is being said. If she is posting on forums\facebook regularly while at home at least you know it is just annoying guff in megabyte form with nothing else to worry about.

If she is on Facebook your H needs to go into his settings and make sure she is blocked.

You both need to check your privacy setting on FB. Sometimes they reset themselves. Delete anyone you are not friends with.

This is why i hate FB

I agree that you need to sit & write a log.

I wonder if a message from "the wife" may make her stop, something non confrontational like "we would appreciate it if you stopped send messages, we have made a record of all contact & if you persist we will pass all details over to the police as we feel you are harrassing us"

Thanks everyone.

As I dont know what she looks like, DH did a quick google to see if he could see her online to confirm she is not in the country- her name is too common though! It doesnt help she also goes under three different names, so we gave up.

As she goes by at least three different names it also makes it hard to block her on FB completly.... sigh.

We are still not sure what to do or why she is like this. He thinks maybe because in her culture it is very shameful not to be married (which he assumes as email is her maiden name) by her age maybe she is getting desperate and lonely....

Sigh