Talk sense to me, please!

[PhuzzyPhelt]

Longtime lurker, after some advice!

Am 35 and have new partner who's also 35. Been together nearly 5 months now. We get on great and he's really funny and clever and somehow puts up with me! I should be mega happy, and am, but a few things have got me worried, and I don't know if previous bad relationships are just making me want to jump ship before any real problems start or if I'm justified! I'm actually afraid to ask my friends because I think they'll tell me I'm a bit of a loser!

BF doesn't have a job just now - initially when we started seeing each other he was doing a bit of landscape gardening for his friend but that's all dried up now. I know how hard it is right now finding work and in a few months I'll be looking for extra work myself when my hours get cut.

I work full time and have quite a commute to work every day. I've never been to BFs house - he says (and I believe him) that it's a total tip - apparently frozen pipes at New Year and kitchen got flooded so floor is rotten and he's had to move washing machine into the living room.

When we first met he told me he was cleaning it and painting the living room etc. I've been outside his house to pick him up multiple times but never inside it. I am renting a lovely flat in a nice area of town so it's always been that he comes to mine, which is fine.

Lately though he's taken to almost moving in, and although it's nice to come home to him there it's also bothering me because I feel I'm not helping him any. No progress has been made on his own house at all and he hasn't ever looked for a job in any of the time he's been at mine. Initially he'd help with dinner etc but he's not been doing that so much lately.

In fact what he does is seems to lie in til about midday (he's never up when I have to go out to work) then sit on my laptop all day on facebook and music sites. Even sometimes when I get home he'll insist on facebook checking at least every hour or so, sometimes leaving it on all evening even if we are watching a film ot having a chat. Once he even had a chat online with someone who he told me fancied him while I was waiting for him to come to bed! I let him know he wasn't on!

I'm probably a total fuddy-duddy - I just don't get facebook at all and don't have it!

We had an issue at the very start of the relationship when he went out to the pub and got totally drunk and came back with 3 girls names on some napkins who he then added to facebook. I told him it made me uncomfortable and he told me I was mental and everyone did it and they were going to be friends and I was basically an idiot. I didn't stand for it at the tims and told him to forget it. He said he was sorry about hurting me.

We went away for the weekend just gone and I told him that I needed some space this week in the evenings (I need to do some work from home and I haven't been able to - he's either on the laptop or it's too distracting as he's there and is playing music/watching TV). I told him I'd give him a call and we'd see each other later in the week.

I came in last night at 7pm and he was still there! I feel bad but I told him he needed to go for a while and drove him over to his house. He was a bit sulky about it but I felt I needed to get things done.

Anyway, my laptop memory was apparently nearly full and when I looked there were all these videos he'd taken of himself whilst we were away at the weekend (Camping, I did well then went to the car for a heat at 6am!) - nothing rude but just for a girl he apparently knows on facebook - " Hi xxxx, this video is for you, I miss your words, I'm coming to see you this year sometime, phuzzyphelt is in the car, she's such a c**t".

Now I know about this girl, she's only 24 and lives in the US and he's told me before that they're penpals and he thinks of her as a sister. I don't actually feel threatened by their being in contact but I am feeling just so hurt and frankly taken advantage of.

Sometimes we jokingly will call each other names if we've been silly but it really was awful to hear him call me that. I checked my internet history and it's just screeds of facebook (girls) and the odd bit of porn. Never any job searches etc.

I genuinely am at a loss as he's so great in other ways but am I just being a total loser here? Please talk sense into me!

Thanks xxx

Just got on to this - just as expatmummyinoz just said - we are cheering you on - you DESERVE BETTER X

the day he called you a c*&t online was the day the bin bags should have been in the street

be strong x

Thanks again to everyone who has replied.

Last night the BF was texting me to ask why I hadn't been in touch -and I told him (again) I was really upset by what he'd said about me in the videos.

His excuse is that he was tipsy and didn't remember saying anything and he was speechless that I'd be upset at something he'd said when he was drunk.

I was a bit of a wuss and didn't say anything back after that but he later texted to ask if I'd been round any other mans houses that night as I had been so quiet! The phone had rang a few times but I did ignore it (Head in the sand!) That upset me as well, I'd never ever do anything like that but maybe it shows what he thinks of me!

I feel torn today, on one hand I feel if my friends BF/DP had spoke about them like that they'd be justified in being upset.... but now I'm doubting myself and thinking perhaps I have overreacted a bit?! How mental is that?!

You've all been really kind. The post about him not respecting me is what's keeping me going - I think ultimately that's true. When I read what's been happening it's definitely true that he's seen me as a soft touch (and I admit I probably am!)

I'm seeing a good friend tonight and poor her, she's going to know starightaway something is up, I'm hoping I'll just be strong enough to tell her though I think she'll wholeheartedly agree with everything said on here!

You're all stars, thanks xx

Eugh... he sounds just like an ex of mine.

Down to the "how dare you blame me when I was drunk!" and the "well you must be up to something awful it cant be possibly me be"

Its making my blood boil just reading it! Good luck, be strong and you know what to do.

I know its hard- it like ripping a plaster off- its going to hurt and sting for a bit ,but you know it has to come off.

Please be brave and speak openly to your friend tonight, if she has your best interests at heart she will support you in the painful but life saving choice to free yourself. Otherwise you may be feeling the awful way he makes you feel for many years, and the longer the leave it the deeper he'll thrust his roots into your soil.

Holy god, honey, you are down on yourself because you're 35 and have been a bit silly with money so this means you don't deserve someone better than this (all together now) COCKLODGER?

You sound a bit too much like me at that age: WAY too willing to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. You are choosing a partner who expresses your own low self-esteem. Life is short. Youth and fertility are fleeting. Don't waste them on a fuckwit who is calling you a cunt to some 24 year old behind your back. Everyone else on here can see you are lovely and deserve so much better so listen to them and not yourself right now.

Being with this loser will NOT help you sort out your own life. In fact, it will set you back in every possible way. GET RID. GET RID. GET RID.

Look, I am having a massive wobble today from the aftermath of a break up after 10 years with an abusive male. fully prepared to admit that I'll be sensitive in areas where perhaps I have no need to be when it comes to the threads of others, BUT....

The calling you a cunt comment is unforgivable.
All of the cocklodger stuff -the massive sense of entitlement - RED FLAG
The comment even now with the Were you are other men's houses' is totally irrational, jealous and will grow to be much much scarier - RED FLAG

He's not respecting YOU as a person, your life, your things, your money. He's not respecting your right to be left in peace - RED FLAG

You worrying that you are over-reacting in the face of all this is concerning, it implies that you are being sucked into his game.

Don't waste your life with someone like this, FGS, I don't want to be here in 10 years time seeing you as miserable as I have been at the hands of someone who really is not good enough, by a very long chalk.

Please listen to people on this thread, please listen to your friends, please get rid of him. Don't ever give him the time of day again.

Awww Hissy, I'm sorry you've been having a wobble Keep on keeping on, love.

OP - he's a cunt. All the rest of it was bad enough, and then you told us about him trying to suggest you've cheated Please just get away from him - he's using you. Sorry

The suggestion that, because you weren't answering your phone you must have been out with someone else, is not genuine honest jealousy, I don't think. What he's trying to do is manipulate you into agreeing that you can be seen as being as untrustworthy as himself; you know you're not untrustworthy; therefore neither must he be; therefore he can carry on.

You're as bad as he is, is the subtext. He doesn't strike me as being "legitimately" possessive (IYSWIM) of you at all.

You must in fag-packet terms have some idea of what sort of bloke would fit neatly into you and your life. How does this bloke measure up?

When you're 20 this idea is probably limited to something like "looks like Robbie Williams and is really romantic", which for 20 is fine. When you're 35, however, your mental laundry list could reasonably include things like

A. has a settled occupation and way of funding himself
B. has an attitude towards money compatible with mine
C. doesn't call me a cunt to other people
D. respects the effort I make to keep my space tidy
E. isn't workshy or lazy
F. isn't manipulative
G. doesn't lie and then get angry if exposed
H. drinks moderately
I. gets more or less all he wants sexually off me, so doesn't resort unto others
J. has some kind of genuine relationship history as opposed to a long string of short-lived shags
K. doesn't use porn
L. doesn't use whores
M....etc

Everybody's list is different, but none of the above is unreasonable. Anyone who has left a crappy relationship will probably report that their OH failed seriously on key items on their personal list. The tragedy being that it's often not until afterwards that you realise you need a list.

So what's on your list phuzzphelt, and how does he score? One bad thing about a potential SO is far more important than the positives because it can undermine them all.

For example, for blokes the ideal wife is probably good looking, slim, rich, trusting, a good cook, great with kids, tidies the house, finds all your jokes hilarous, loves watching football, chills your beer for you, is bisexual, swallows and likes anal. Sounds great, right?

Now how about if she's routinely unfaithful? Or has a gambling habit? Or has a string of shoplifting convictions?

Ah.

Suddenly just one negative starts to matter more than all the good things, because it's so fucking huge.

From what you've said, your guy fails on every single point of my A to K list above. What good things about him can possibly outweigh all that??