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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fancy my DHs mate

8 replies

namechangedorama · 04/07/2011 20:22

Ok, thought I'd get your attention with that thread title! I was very unsure about posting at all. Not sure I could withstand a flaming. But this situation is making me crazy and I don't have anyone to talk to.

Have been getting to know another couple for a year or so. We see them quite a bit and my DH has become good mates with the man. Thing is, over the past 6 months or so I have had a bit of an on and off crush on the bloke. . . Aaaaargh!!! I sound about 13!! But over the past month or so I've been thinking about him loads. When I see him unaccpectedly I just feel really happy. We get on really well and I love spending time with him.

I am not asking you if you think I should have an affair with him or anything. I know the answer to that myself. I feel guilty enough just having these feelings, let alone acting on them!

I love my DH very much. We have been together for 12 years and have been through some extrodinarily difficult times over the past few years, (berievement, depression, major financial difficulties). We have made it through it all and I wouldn't be stupid enough to throw it all away on a big fat crush!

So it's not that I'm asking you if you think acting on my feelings is a good idea, I just need to get it off my chest really! My mum died before my DCs were born. I was really close to her and would definately have talked to her about it. I so wish I could. I can't talk to my dad as I'm not sure if he'd want to know let alone have a clue what to say! All of the friends I'm close to and see lots know him too, so I can't talk to them.

Just sort of wondered if this is normal??!

Please be gentle with me!

OP posts:

HedleyLamarr · 04/07/2011 21:22

It's normal to feel like this. You are, after all, human. Don't do anything about it unless you are completely open with your OH. In which case he will either kick you to the kerb or go off to fuck other women. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

Original poster

namechangedorama · 04/07/2011 21:26

No, that's fine Hendley. Actually not sure that DH would do either, but he would be devestated and I couldn't bare that. So I won't be acting on it. Good to hear it's normal!

OP posts:

greencolorpack · 04/07/2011 21:30

If you're not having an affair then forgive yourself. Everyone has a crush now and then. Watch your own motives like a hawk. Don't go out of your way to see him, do the opposite. And don't add him to Facebook. I find fiction helps. Write a short story of wish fulfillment about him. I find that this exorcises these feelings and they grow less strong. Don't let Dh see and don't let Mr crush see!!!

Original poster

namechangedorama · 04/07/2011 21:35

To late for fb!!

Hmm, I like writing, might give it a go. . . but where to start??

Examples needed greencolorpack!

OP posts:

lazarusb · 04/07/2011 21:35

Try and put a bit distance between you if you can. Find something about him that irritates you and focus on that. Remind yourself why your dh is so much better for you than he is. As long as it stays a crush and will eventually fade away you aren't hurting anyone.

greencolorpack · 04/07/2011 21:52

Write a story where your id rules and your superego doesn't get a look in. Just write about what you would like to happen without your guilty conscience stopping you. Then your crush is in the clear light of day and you can see it objectively. It loses its power of you, sounds counterintuitive but it really works for me. Re advice on thread so far, its all good. I had a guy from work who I kinda fancied, he was on Facebook but now unfriended. Anyway it helped me a lot that there was a really pathetic photo oh him on there in a clown costume, so now I make myself picture him like that and now to be honest I can barely remember his lovely smile.

lazarusb · 04/07/2011 22:20

If you do what greencolorpack said, please don't let anyone find it

greencolorpack · 04/07/2011 22:28

Or write it and change the name of the guy and a few key characteristics. In case dh reads. Put him off the scent.

My dh doesn't mind if I fancy people, I usually don't tell him if it's a mutual friend. (Like I will say i have a crush but won't name the guy). He is the same, he will admit if he is struggling about fancying someone. Sometimes these problems become absolute monsters of guilt in your head if you can't share the details with someone. Once its shared it all seems quite in proportion, silly, and teenage and easily forgotten.

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