Let's talk about sex, baby...

[ValtnSinegar]

...or, let's not. Let's put it off, avoid it. Let's remember all the bits and pieces that need doing, or the places that need going to. Let's make sure by the end of the day, we're just too tired to think about that sort of thing.

Let's change the subject if I bring it up. Let's start to pull back on intimacy in general, in case it gives the impression that, inevitably, this must be leading to sex. Let's even start to grade our kisses, and be sure to stick to the lowest levels before things get, well, icky. Let's make sure above all that all bodily fluids remain with ourselves, and all clothed body parts remain untouched.

Let's, if an argument arises, respond with "but I still love you" and a brief hug. Let's assume that this solves everything and we can carry on with our routines.

And let's, as the weeks turn into months, treat the arrival of each monthly cycle with a mixture of outward disappointment (as if "oh, if only I wasn't on, I'd love to have sex with you) and inward (but not entirely concealed) relief. After all, now we have a reason not to think about doing it for another week.

But let's not think about somewhere like Relate. There's no need to be fussing with that sort of thing.

Bah!

OP I so identify with you.

I've experienced every excuse in the book for the last year. The intimacy has all but gone. He has shut himself off and he is dragging me down with him.

No he doesn't want to talk about it, I got criticised for not initiating so now I do just to get turned down. I give cuddles, my time, my heart and get zero zilch back. I've cried myself to sleep many time and he just pretends not to notice.

He's even admitted how awful he is being to me by not trying to be intimate on any level and still nothing has changed.............................

OP is this a fairly recent situation or has your DW always been a little backward in coming forward? I only ask because some people's attitude to sex can be affected by their upbringing. It was never mentioned in my house when I was growing up and even now I would be uncomfortable talking about my own experiences with a stranger at relate for example. Your DW's reluctance to talk about the subject, even with you, may be because she is too embarassed. Just a thought.

fairenuff I don't think it's that - during our formative years we were at it like knives!

Over the years it's tailed off to some degree as you might expect, but we're practically beyond the abyss now...

I have seen advice on another thread somewhere that if you agree to put sex completely on hold for a set length of time, and agree to be affectionate and spend time together without it leading to sex, then the pressure is off and you will get that closeness back, which I think is the root of the problem.
It sounds like your DW feels pressured and you are getting more and more frustrated and it is a vicious circle.

I actually joined Mumsnet to reply to this!! I was going through the exact same problem/feelings for months now with my DW. I used these forums to help me rationalise my feelings/wants/desires and to see it from her point of view. I do honestly believe that Mumsnet has helped me be a better husband, in so much that I can now see things from her point of view.

Anyways, back to the point in hand (excuse the pun). A bit of back story to help explain: Wife and I have been married for seven years and together for eleven. Two children - 6 year old & 20 months = MANIC home life!! I am a very involved Dad/husband and my wife will always tell me if I am not pulling my weight around the house.

About the start of the year, the sex seemed to just dry up. Lots of reasons really, youngest being ill, lack of sleep, we both work etc.... You know the score, they are repeated on here all the time. We were having sex maybe once or twice a month. Now I wouldn't say I have an extremely high sex drive but this was just leaving me feel frustrated and miserable.

Things came to a head when she finally said why was I walking around like such a miserable bugger! We sat down and I explained what I felt (one of the hardest things I have ever done). All kinds of things were going through my mind, does she love me? Does she still fancy me? Was she having an affair? Things got a little heated. Her side of the argument was that she didn't want to have sex with someone who was so miserable and I explained that I was miserable because the lack of sex. Stalemate!!

Does this have a happy ending? Well, yes. Are we at it like rabbits? No. But I felt such a relief to get rid of the feelings/questions that had been brewing up in side me for so long. Sex has improved but I have learnt to deal with my feelings much better. I read quite a bit on this and I realised not to feel too bad about my sexual needs. It is how men feel loved.

We do a date night once a month, regardless of what it is. Pub, meal - just a night away to be us. It doesn't matter how happy the kids are, without us there is no family. Like all marriages I imagine, it just takes working at.

Final piece of advice if you want it, take her out for a drink/meal/walk with no kids and talk. Don't let it escalate into an argument, just talk and get these feelings out there.

Good luck fella.

Good post Simple!

Simple Dad - what great advice. I only wish my husband had read it!! He walked out on me and our 2 year old 6 weeks ago and is telling people I didnt have sex with him enough!! Maybe if he had read your post he would have realised that it just needs a bit of work! You are brave to sit down and talk to your wife - I wish my husband had x

Thanks Kate. I love my wife and she loves me. That doesn't mean you don't have to constantly work at it. That what I found hard, it's very easy just to get swallowed up by the whole kids/job/family thing. Need to invest time in each other.

Sorry to hear about your break up Kate - I couldn't imagine bringing up a 2 yr old by myself.

Thanks SimpleDad, great to hear that you've worked things out.

From your post it's not clear what you did to get things back on track. Was it purely the conversation? And the monthly "time away" helps you maintain the relationship from there?

We have had the conversation a few months ago, a proper sit down and talk about both of our feelings etc and both resolved to try to make more time for each other. About a week after we actually had sex ( ). But then it never really went anywhere after that other than back to the old routine.

I feel like this part of our relationship will only be kick-started again if we have another sit-down conversation. But doesn't that just feel like trying to jump-start a knackered car?

Or in particular, it seems silly to have to let things build up to a head and have a big emotional tete-a-tete every time before we have sex. Not the best (or most convenient) form of foreplay I've ever encountered...

FWIW it's not that we don't talk to each other outside these convos, but without a sizeable (metaphorical) kick up the arse I just don't see DW remembering about sex. Which starts me thinking again about whether she cares about it (or "it" with me - despite the fact that she appears to get a lot of enjoyment when we do!).

As I said - Bah!

Are you married to my wife??

I too am the person in our relationship who shows all the affection and my wife shows very little. I am always the first one to make the first move to initiate sex. If I didnt do this then I think there would be little affection between us both. It really gets me down, to the point that I can get really depressed about it! I have sat down and talked this through time and time again...she now only gets angry with me when I mention it!!
When we do have sex, it always feels like a real chore to get going...

Recently, I cuddled her in bed and was told instantly to get on my own side of the bed! When I sighed, she told me I should learn to accept rejection!!

Nice!

At the moment, I feel like just giving in on the whole thing and seeing if she notices the lack of attention...I have run out of ideas to try and get our relationship kick started again.

If you come up with a solution please let me know!!

I think as hard as it is you just have to bide you time but i do think romancing someone, reminding them of why you love them (with no immediate agenda) is what is required. Flowers and cards works wonders on women..... The most precious things I have include birthday cards from my DH saying lovely things about me, about our future. One of the loveliest things he ever said to me was 'I love the way you hold yourself, I am so proud to walk alongside you knowing we are together' - It was actually a lot more eloquent than that and came at a time when I felt as flat and shit as could be.

The date night thing is a wonder for us - it does take a time to get off the kids/money/job conversations but we found going to a gallery or whatever interests you - so there is something to talk about rather than falling into established patterns. Send her some flowers, invite her out for lunch, remind her why she loves you and be patient. It is not personal - loss of libido is a very natural response to be a Mummy (and I have 4 so feel qualified to say that - although it has only happened after the last and when I was on the mini-pill and breastfeeding!)

I know how important intimacy is for men, I didn't realise that myself until relatively recently and it is quite easy for men to feel abandoned and unimportant. You clearly care because you are seeking advice (my DH would rather stick pins in his eyes!) - be slow and constant and mend things.....

Best of luck you sound like a good husband

One thing that is missing from these scenario's is that the woman also has to make an effort. Making the assumption that she loves you and has no hang up's about sex then there should be no problem. It takes work on both sides to understand what makes each other tick!

I can sympathise with the constant rejection and the drepression/anger/frustration that brings. It made me smile when lightning said he should just give up and see if she misses it. I thought that I would give that approach a go but I feared that it would never happen again if I went down that road. Not an option!!

I can not pinpoint a simple answer. There are no simple answers. I know my wife needs to feel loved, relaxed and attractive. Some of those things I can help with, some of those things she needs to deal with. I know I need to be hugged , touched and have sex to feel loved. I know that if my wife does not want sex with me its not the thought of sex but some underlying reason. This is when communication becomes so important. During this lengthy spell I also learnt how to communicate with my wife better. I was always trying to find solutions to her probelms, when in fact all she wanted was a sounding board. How on earth men and women end up and stay together is beyond me but when it works its great.

She actually initiated sex the other weekend - kind of took me by surprise. But I was walking (or should that be struting) on cloud nine all day. Sorry for not being able to give you any answers. If you love her and she loves you then things are worth saving. I feel people just give up too early. The most rewarding things in life are the ones that takes the most work.

Simpledad! You should write a book! You're full of sound sense! Well done!

DW initiated sex? Bugger me! *

I think you've taught me a little gem there. When I get home and DW is complaining about this and that, generally it's launched in my direction. I think I realise now it's not because it's my fault, it's just how she vents. I'll try to handle myself a bit less defensively and let her beat up on me, metaphorically speaking.

*actually, don't. I'm not at that stage yet.

VnS

Lol @ Valt.