Please help me, I am in such a spin. I can't go in on this marriage but I don't want to break up our family

[moocat]

I have been wanting to post this for ages and it's taking quite a lot of courage to face up to it, so please be gentle!

I am married to a lovely man who I married a year after I got pregnant by mistake. We have two DCs, 4 and 1.

My H is a great person, he is a fantastic partner, he is supportive to me, never sees the running of the house as my department only. He is a good good guy. BUT I don't love him and I am pretty sure he doesn't love me.

We are increasingly arguing, and not really communicating about anything other than the children who we both adore.

Basically I think we are fundamentally incompatible on a very deep level. When I try to talk about our relationship to DH he clams up, says he never expected hearts and roses and refuses to talk. So I feel utterly trapped, lonely and angry. I am beginning to hate him and I don't think he likes me much tbh.

SO we are at crunchtime as we are househunting and every fibre of my body says don't do it. If we move to our forever house with a big mortgage I don't think I will ever be able to split up except by leaving the house as he will never ever admit there is a problem.

But, I don't want to only see my children half the time, I don't want to miss their birthdays/christmasses etc, I want the house and garden and family life that we are building together.

I just feel sick and sad all the time and I could really do with some impartial and some support. Is it possible to stay in a marriage like this? Or am I mad to consider it

I can't remember exactly what triggered it specifically. We'd had a miserable Christmas, exH had been fairly shitty during January and we'd had one of those conversations that end with a decision to try harder over certain things. He 'tried' for about two days and then said he couldn't do it, he felt like he was 'on trial'. I just remember thinking 'this can't be the rest of my life' and I took a deep breath and the words came out of my mouth. It was really fucking scary. But once I'd said it, I knew I had to carry on.

I was 42.

I think it is incredibly brave of anyone to admit their fears about their marriage. There are some very positive stories around MN, where people have struggled and worked things through, but there is also support for those of us who simply can't find a way through.

I wish I'd been on MN back then - I only discovered it later, once I'd retreated to the spare room and had empty evenings to fill while exH sulked downstairs.

Good luck, moo and all of you. Trust your instincts.

:( for all of you who are in this state. I sometimes wonder if I am as well, or perhaps I am still just emotionally comatose after my Mum died 4y ago, not sure.

Anyway. A practical idea - can you bring yourself to buy a house together that could be somehow split into two living areas? Or even to buy two smaller houses next to each other? I saw a programme once where a divorcing couple did this, and they linked the two loft-rooms for their DD, so she had access to both parents' house all the time. That way, you could still bring your DC up together full time-ish, but you wouldn't be together and you would each run your own household. Would that be at all possible or is it just too much money to consider? Or just too complicated?

DH and I have actually discussed buying some kind of L-shaped house - DS would live in the bend and each of us would live in the ends, have our own bedroom, kitchen, bathroom etc., but have the living room in the bend so we could all be together with DS. We're mostly joking but there is an undercurrent of "actually this is a really good idea and one day we might have to do it". I'd rather do that than actually split up, I have to say. But it might not work for you.

I hope you find a solution but yes - do try and stall on buying a new property together until you have worked out what you really want to do.

Funnily enough Thumbwitch I had thought of two small houses in an area I know where the children could go from one to the other quite easily. Don't you think at some point though you would get sick of each other and want some privacy?

One of my daughter's friends parents split, and they sold the big family home and bought two adjoining terraced houses. So daughter's friend happily flits from one to the other, and pops in whenever she wants. Great for her. Daughter's friend's mum though says it drives her up the wall - too close to him to move on properly.

Personally, I think if you split, you split. If you stay together, then it's because you are going to move hell on earth to make it work.

I think as long as you're not miles and miles away from each other it's fine. My ex is a five minute drive away, so can pick kids up or pop and see them if necessary, and they can walk to his.

Well that depends. DH and I are still friends - and we were friends before we were lovers - we still have a lot in common but it's the living together bit that drives me up the wall (not so much him, but he'd be happy living in his own muck without me whinging at him about it all the time). We have actually worked this through quite thoroughly for a hypothetical situation - in our L-shaped house, we'd each have our own front door as well, so that we could come and go without the other necessarily knowing about it.

(note - we live in Australia so an L shaped house isn't actually that unfeasible out here - we've seen one, that's what sparked the discussion! :))

So if you can sort it out before your marriage descends into bitter acrimony and hatred on both sides, and you stay friends, I guess it could work fine - but only so long as you're BOTH happy with it. If one of you still cares more about the other than the other one does, and is likely to get jealous if a 3rd party comes on the scene, then it could get a bit messy.

DH and I are pretty sure that this would not be an issue for either of us but who knows.

Mooncat

Sorry to read your posts here.

Please tell him about how you feel wrt the house move. I would strongly advise against the bigger house.

And I am a big believer in not staying together for the sake of the children.

Two unhappy parents together is far worse than one unhappy one apart or two happy ones apart.

It rarely works IME because one or both of you will get to the point where you want to move forward, have a new relationship, a new life. Resentment will set in and in some cases, the children are used as porns in an emotional game of chess.

Go to counselling if you BOTH think and agree it will lead to something positive. You both have to want that or else there's no point.

Does he know how you really feel?

Are you still having a physical relationship with him too?

No, no physical relationship since DC2 was born. Yes I think he does know how I feel, but he is choosing not to know iyswim. I could be wrong about that though as I am very good at pretending.

Think it's great that you and your ex are friends thumbwitch. I am aiming for civil politeness and courteous behaviour (from me) which so far I have managed quite well. Although according to daughter's my " cooll stare straight in his eyes" could freeze a dalek at twenty paces (do you have Dr Who in Os? Scary big pepper pots on wheels...?)

Errrr Saffy, my DH is not an ex. Sorry if I gave that impression, we are still very much together but have discussed a hypothetical situation where we might not be in the future.

Sorry thumbwitch, got confused!

just read the bit about the Daleks - yes, Dr Who is over here in Aus as well but I have only been here since 2009 - born and brought up in the UK so fully familiar with Daleks (although I only just found out that new generation Daleks can go upstairs - bastards!)

OP, can't comment on whether there's any hope for the relationship, but you say: "I don't want to only see my children half the time, I don't want to miss their birthdays/christmasses etc."
I have been through that twice. If you're on your own it's actually quite nice to send the DCs off to their other parent and get a little time to yourself without having to feel guilty. It's possible to arrange birthdays, Christmasses etc so that they spend time with both parents if you don't live far apart and are willing to put your DCs first and be flexible.
Things with one ex were quite unpleasant for a while but we managed to be civil in front of her and decent to each other in arranging access etc. He has a tendency to fob off birthday parties on to me but he is welcome to come to them and sometimes does. Ditto with DSs' father.
Now I am on good terms with both exes and confident that we did the right thing for the DCs, who are happy and healthy and have strong relationships with both parents.

Thank you quiddity I found that really helpful.

DH just back and talking about how we won't be in this house much longer. I feel as if I am slightly light headed at the moment, what's happening in my head and the reality are so far apart.

The thing is, now is a better time to split than the autumn by which time DC1 will have started school. I just am not quite ready to do it I don't think, but when will I ever be

Im so sorry Moocat

The question to ask yourself, is that can you really live without love?

Life is too short to always have to work so hard at a relationship. I can totally understand your wanting to build the perfect family life for your children. But its not real and tha lack of being loved will eat away at you.

I have saw my mother live in a loveless marriage for 40 years and it destroys your soul.

Please think about this carefully. x

Hallo again

Well, after a couple of days of us both putting our heads in the sand, DH yesterday brought it up again. I am really struggling with this, and I am clear that it's not for the children, they will be fine whatever, they are very much loved by us and by our wider families, it's for us that I really do want it to work.

I had hoped that by talking about things we might find a way through, but it isn't as if there are any big looming issues. DH says he loves me although he feels upset and angry about my indecision and I feel closer to him just because I feel that we are both being honest. But I would like to make things better by talking and I don't think that is an option, we either love each other or we don't I think. I just feel so confused.

I can't help feeling that if I was a man dithering about whether to stay with the parent of his two small dcs I would be told by mnetters to f off and that that would be right.

Hi again Moocat.

You originally said that you don't think he loves you, but he says that he does, which is worth a lot. Coming from a similar position to you, I have found that it doesn't necessarily help to talk things over with DH, but it does help to talk with friends.

I've spent time this week with a friend who is going through a divorce and I've seen how heartbreaking it can be - not a decision to take lightly. It's made me re-evaluate my situation and appreciate what I do have rather than worrying about what might be missing from our relationship.

It may seem odd at the moment, but some physical intimacy might help you both to reconnect (and get the endorphins flowing!). I read on MN once that its hard to dislike someone that you have sex with regularly and I've found that to be true! If you haven't been intimate since your little one was born, could it be worth a try? Especially if you are already feeling closer by opening up with him.