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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

For those who left an abusive relationship, how much worse did it get?

18 replies

babyhammock · 02/07/2011 19:25

I finally left my abusive partner just over a month ago and things are spiralling into my worst nightmare. I don't know how much worse he can get and I can't take much more. We have one DS. Who else had this and what happened?

OP posts:

TimeForMeIsFree · 02/07/2011 19:31

I had three months of nastiness, vile texts and emails, him taking me to court, turning things around so that he was the victim. I didn't respond to anything, apart from the court, I didn't react at all and I think he must have burnt himself out because he went from being vile to totally ignoring me. Just recently, almost 17 months later, he has text me a few times re DD and has been ok. He actually phoned me today to ask my permission to buy her something .

How bad is your ex being? Bad enough to involve the police or other outside agencies?

Original poster

babyhammock · 02/07/2011 19:41

Thanks...
I don't know where to start. I have an injunction and I'm trying to move. He's attacking me I guess through the court. I thought that the injunction would mean it was finally over but I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a support worker and even she hasn't seen this before. I'm having to defend myself on every level and he just keeps getting worse. He's lying beyond all belief and I'm spending so long finding witnesses and photos and medical records to prove it and responding to statement after statement. To cut it short he's trying to get the injunction removed and has already stopped me moving.

OP posts:

inatrance · 02/07/2011 19:48

First of all well done for having the courage to get out. He realises he has lost control and that is why he is now throwing everything he has got at you to get you to crumble.

Has he been violent before? If he is hassling you or you are scared at all, don't hesitate to ring the police. They will then flag your address and will respond quicker if you need to call them. Have you contacted Womens Aid? If not do so as soon as you can. If you were married get yourself to a solicitor as soon as possible. Keep all communication, texts, emails etc and refuse all direct contact with him.

This WILL get better but right now you need to get tough and have a zero tolerance approach with him. If he won't leave you alone you can get a restraining order.

You've done the right thing and you DON'T have to take his shit any more. Have you got friends, family etc who you can call on for support?

inatrance · 02/07/2011 19:57

X-posted then just seen that you already have injunction etc in place.

Hold your nerve, he can't keep up this level of vitriol. It lasted about 6 months till my ex realised he was getting nowhere but your ex sounds particularly deranged. What is he actually saying or doing? What is happening with the injunction?

Trestired · 02/07/2011 20:24

babyhammock... A big, big hug. What you have done has taken a tremendous amount of courage. I don't have any advice, but I am thinking about you and know that (although I've only been on here for a short amount of time) there are many women who will give you great advice. Just remember, THIS is why you left him. Another hug.

lazarusb · 03/07/2011 12:44

I think my ex went on for a long time, spurred on by the woman who is now his wife. Just remember - he is doing this because it is the only way he can affect and have some control on your life. Because he is weak and is annoyed that you were strong enough to walk away.Get as much support as you can and keep going. It is ridiculously hard at times but believe me, you will be happy in the end. Stay strong...ask for support here any time, there a lot of us around who have been through similar.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/07/2011 17:46

Remember that if he breaks the injunction, he can be arrested, and if he continues to harass you he can be sent to prison. DOn't engage with him at all, save all evidence of his harassment, remember that he is not all powerful and that the law is on your side. Sorry you are having to put up with this. I think I remember your threads about this nasty knobbo before.

humptydidit · 03/07/2011 18:04

Oh sweetheart I feel for you, I really do.

Things that helped me...

First, change your phone number and don't give it to him, tell him all communication in writing, lettter or email or even better thru solicitor

second, if he is visiting kids, get somebody else to do the handover... Don't see him yourself.

third, if he contacts you, wait 24 hours before responding in any way. Too many times my x made contact with me and I responded in the heat of the moment of feeling ultra pissed off, then it back fired on me because he would turn my anger at him and twist it around to make it my fault... wtf

Finally, be confident that he will give up in the end. My x is a serial abuser, he has 7 kids by 5 different women. He has told so many lies and I was devastated to find out that our whole marriage was based on a pack of lies. But the point is that, all these other women he harassed for a while then gave up and moved on to the next one.

Stay strong and look after yourself. And stay safe
x

snowmama · 03/07/2011 19:23

You have loads of good advice here, I would add...write every thing down, whenever you have to call the police or women's aid get a reference number.

Don't show him that any of thus affects you.

It is tiring and wearing, but hold your nerve, it will start to calm down. Hugs to you.

Original poster

babyhammock · 04/07/2011 22:11

Thanks for your replies.
I just can't help but feel that this is actually worse than being with him. I want to give the details on what he's doing atm but I don't want to give myself away. He can't contact me directly because of the injuction, but he's trying to destroy everything in my life :(. I can't believe that after everything he's done already, he can be this evil. I really am fighting back but I can't do it much longer and I'm so scared as to what he'll do next as I think he will step it up a gear x

OP posts:

lazarusb · 04/07/2011 22:17

What support do you have in real life OP? Please don't let it wear you down (I know that it's hard). Please don't even think about reconciling because it's 'easier'. He's doing what he's doing because he is annoyed that you are building a new life. You have hurt his pride and he hates it. But you deserve so much better and it will get better. It won't be quick and easy but I promise you, it will improve, you will begin to feel stronger and you will continue your fightback...and win.

Original poster

babyhammock · 05/07/2011 00:02

Thankyou lazarusb.. My friends have been brilliant and I don't know how I would cope without them... although they can't understand how I ended up with someone like him.

He seems to have turned from nasty and abusive but getting more and more violent to total psycho..

I know I've done the right thing, but it just seems like this huge mountain to climb. Everything that I was scared he would do, and which made me stay long after I knew it was never going to be ok, he's doing and worse.

That must have been awful for you, his new partner spurring him on. I wonder how long it will be before he turns on her.. Mine has got his ex to write a load of horrible things about me and she doesn't even know me.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 05/07/2011 06:24

I was with my childrens father for ten years, when I reached thirty I decided I could take no more, and that staying with him meant my life was not worth living, I hadn't felt anything for him for nine years.

He was emotionally and verbally abusive, even to the children.

When we split he caused me no end of trouble, kept coming to the house, breaking the front door windows, coming to my work being abusive, headbutted me in front of the kids and broke my nose.

I got an injunction, in fact two one after the other, it helped.

But it took six months for things to settle down and for him to get over the rejection.

Bear with it, it is a nightmare but things do get easier I promise you, stay strong, surround yourself with people you can talk to. It is hard to start with but does get better.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 05/07/2011 06:38

He's trying to make it worse than being with him, babyh, that's his tactic. But it will be far shorter term than if you stayed.

You poor thing. I'm sorry this isn't very helpful, but I wanted to send support.

follyfoot · 05/07/2011 07:13

Havent got much time to write now as off to work, but just wanted to say that even though my XH's behaviour got much worse after I left him, despite all that, it was still the best decision I've ever made. Its tough, its scary and its so bloody tiring but it is worth it in the end. Promise.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/07/2011 09:53

Another positive thought for you: if he is bringing repeated court actions against you out of spite, it may be possible to get him named a Vexatious Litigant (this means 'person who brings repeated unwinnable court actions against other people out of spite') so that no case brought by him against you will be followed up. He will either give up and go away or he will be sent to prison. He won't win, because he is a deranged knobhead and these days people like him are regarded by the rest of society and the legal system as having forfeited their rights.

lazarusb · 05/07/2011 16:34

You have made the best decision of your life. No matter what he does now, it will stop. I have it on good authority that my ex turned on his wife but she will defend him and doesn't stand up for herself in the way that I did

Springchicken gives good advice...sooner or later he will find no-one willing to represent him at all. Hang on in there.

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 05/07/2011 17:41

Lots of good advice above.

It's really dependant on the person. Some men can keep this type of thing up for years, some can't.

My ex took about 2 years to back off. I had to put certain things in place:

no direct phone calls
no texts, unless they were about how the kids are
even then, I will only respond to one or two, not be constantly questioned
handover for contact visits is done in a neutral place
he is not allowed at my house

As you have an injunction I guess a lot of that is already covered for you.

It generally does get better.

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