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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sorry to say but AF may be right!!!

23 replies

debs05 · 02/07/2011 18:16

3 yrs post my h 3 affairs, we were getting on with it. I had a girly w/e abroad and had sex with a single bloke (out of curiosity), now realise that I do feel liberated but only from my marriage.

I have spent all week thinking about myself and my future and wondering whether I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who I no longer respect and at times dont actually lke.

The attention I received was just what I needed to stop feeling like a vicitim and realise I should of had more self respect and kicked the fucker out!!

By the way I have had numerous phone calls and texts from the other man and am loving it!!!!

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 02/07/2011 18:26

She usually is, you know.

oh and Hully, but everyone knows Hully is always right... scarily so.

abedelia · 02/07/2011 18:57

Blimey debs, good for you... I think the fact that you did what you did speaks volumes about the state of your marriage an opinion of your husband. There's another poster on here who spent 10 years and had another child with her cheating husband or partner (only one affair though, I think) then decided it had poisoned everything. These things happen, good luck and most of all make sure YOU are happy this time.

Malificence · 02/07/2011 19:32

Two wrongs never make a right.

no1idiot · 02/07/2011 19:50

abedelia have you got a link to the thread you referred to? Thanks

Ganshee · 03/07/2011 01:01

Hi Debs05 - my god - try not to feel a victim. You aren't alone out there. Infidelty is a part of life many people experience and it's not always on the male side either. Don't feel as though it's your fault at all.

It's good that you are spending time deliberating and pondering over life but please don't rush into anything. The grass is certainly not always greener.

Do you feel anything for your husband anymore? Obviously he's had affairs, but do you know if he still loves you or cares about you? Do you still enjoy your time together? Can you work it out together?

If you're of the opinion that things are tragically beyond repair then by all means move on and enjoy your new life.

It's ever so difficult to offer advice in these situations because every marriage is different, people are different and we don't really know what goes on behind closed doors. Also, you'll never truly know your partner, no matter how much you think you do.

Ultimately though, the decision is yours. You deserve happiness and I hope you find it. Best wishes (and do let us know how you get on).

garlicnutter · 03/07/2011 08:58

It's ever so difficult to offer advice in these situations - you don't seem to find it too difficult, Ganshee.

Isn't your advice always a version of "Tie on a pretty apron, paste a smile on your face and cook him a lovely meal"?

Original poster

debs05 · 03/07/2011 13:37

I'm feeling very sad that I was robbed of the chance of a trusting, respectful and equal marriage. He always holds the trump card. Yes the affairs are in the past, but the past is my memories and to realise that he wasn't there for me is hard to accept.

Starting out in married life should be a journey of love and discovery, not one of deceipt and lies. We never really stood a chance.

OP posts:

countingto10 · 03/07/2011 14:20

Do you know what you are going to do/want to do Debs ? Does your h know how you are feeling ?

I had a conversation with my DH a week or so ago, whereby I said that I was struggling to come to terms with the fact that he had done and the incredible sadness I had deep within me that he had done it.

We both agreed that I needed more time and space (he has done a lot of self reflecting etc but I haven't really had any real time to recover (4DSs, business etc) and am extremely tired, he also spent 3/4 months at his parents so away from the hard work of the DC). He did say to me that he doesn't want me coming to him in ay 5, 10, 15 years time and say sorry but I just haven't got over your affair, I'm off ! He has agreed that we will both do everything in our power to help me - he has delayed my recovery with his personal issues which he is now in counselling for (has only felt ready 2 years after the event).

I do understand how you feel - is it possible for you to take a "sabitical" from your marriage ? To find yourself etc. Life with 5 DCs is not easy ......

loopylou6 · 03/07/2011 14:27

Bit uncalled for there garlic

PfftTheMagicDragon · 03/07/2011 14:33

debs, it's good to see that you are feeling positive, no matter the reason.

Original poster

debs05 · 03/07/2011 14:38

That's exactly how I feel, need to take some time out. I started a degree course straight away and am at the end of my 2nd year. I'm thinking of maybe deferring for a year to concentrate on my recovery. I needed the distraction of the degree as I couldn't stand the time to think.

I'm truly exhausted. No my h doesn't know how I feel and I'm not ready to discuss it. I don't want to listen to the sorrys and how much he loves me, thus us about me and how I'm going to move forward.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 03/07/2011 15:20

debs, I was not aware of your story previously but it sounds like you had a rotten time - and that this has indeed started you thinking that you deserve more from life! Good for you! :)

Continue to think that - work out what it is you want to do, make plans to do it and whenever you're sure about stuff then tell your H what you want to do.

In the meantime, while the attention from the other bloke is exciting, he is probably just a pleasant distraction. Any decisions you make should exclude him completely - your decisions should be based around you and your DC, not around another man. He might be the best thing that's ever happened to you but then again he might just be a faithless charmer - you don't know, so factor him out of your plans.

Good luck!

Original poster

debs05 · 03/07/2011 15:28

He's just a distraction! My kids have and always will come first. But it's great to realise that there maybe someone out there that can love and respect me like I deserve.

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AnyFucker · 03/07/2011 22:42

Still with ya, debs

Ganshee · 04/07/2011 21:56

GarlicNutter - Hmm, only in rare cases - depends on your cooking ability, the husbands appetite and his disposition before and after eating. But they do say food is a way to a man's heart.

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/07/2011 22:01

I can think of more direct routes...

Ganshee · 04/07/2011 22:05

BelleDameSansMerci hah hah - you can enlighten us another day I'm sure.

garlicnutter · 04/07/2011 22:15

Better than turning up naked, with beer?

Ganshee · 04/07/2011 22:16

Yeah - sod the pretty apron - not sure where you plucked that from. :)

garlicnutter · 04/07/2011 22:21

Sorry for seeming to ignore you, debs. It's really good to hear of your process - making the efforts to repair your marriage, working at something new to enhance your self-esteem, having the revelation of a trouble-free good time and making the decision to review your life from the pov of what's best for you. I know what you mean about concentrating on your recovery :) I hope your RL friends will be there to support you (so you don't get 'sucked in' too hard) and I also hope you'll continue to post, because it will be helpful to a lot of people.

Sorry again. And good for you!

Original poster

debs05 · 05/07/2011 07:32

My friends in RL have always been a great support, they are friends with us both, but want me to be happy. I have the option of meeting my "distraction" next week, but not sure if I've got the bottle to do it. It has made me realise that sex is actually just sex and I'm quite able not to feel guilty about it, that gives me an insight into how men can compartmentalise their lives.

OP posts:

abedelia · 05/07/2011 14:47

Bugger, deb - I can't find it. She was called something like Kezia though. I do get where you are coming from though - despite the fact our relationship has changed for the better as H has resolved his deep selfishness (his whole family are like it...) and some controlling behaviour, I still often have that deep sadness that things will never be completely right - and that now there may be someone out there who is all round better for me and more deserving of me.

Original poster

debs05 · 05/07/2011 21:42

My h was and still is very self centred, when things are going well he's lovely but if not he acts worse than my 6 yr old. I'm actually fine with the fact that I have to look out for myself and don't expect him to as I've been so let down in the past

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